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Yeah, I’m not Alpha

White Alpha Wolf
Don’t mess with me, I’ll eat your chickens.

I am not an alpha male. I’m not much in the way of a leader, and I’m not exactly what you might call “smooth” with the ladies. I’m socially awkward and generally fairly anxious to get away from other people.

Most people scare me in general, actually.

I don’t think I’m a beta male, either, though. I’m far from quiet and non-confrontational. It could very well be my completely inept ability to follow social laws like, “Don’t tell people they smell like cabbage and sour milk,” or “It’s inappropriate to announce loudly in public that you think people should be publicly executed via crowbar for using food stamps to buy cheese cakes.”

I’m an enigma.

On the one hand, I don’t really want to start fights, but on the other hand, it has become ingrained in me to automatically say what I’m thinking. It’s probably a good thing that I’m also pretty danged big. Most of the time, no one calls me on my insane ranting.

I think as a strange social experiment I’m going to spend some time pushing the limits of what I can get away with a bit more every day. I don’t know if that’s really me trying to become more alpha, or if it is just the result of the special potion I’ve been drinking.

Giant Pile of Energy Drinks

I only take about 6 doses a day.It might seem like a healthy mixture of water, flavors, and vitamin-B, but really its a giant hormonal cocktail that makes me think about how much I should kick things. No really, I’ll be sitting at the coffee machine, you know, waiting for it to warm up or whatever, and I’ll just think to myself:

NOW IS THE TIME FOR ME TO KICK!

So I do.

Courage Wolf Meme

Surely someday soon there will be people coming to take me away to the padded rooms and locked cells, but I’ve got a plan for that, too. It involves helicopters and hot air balloons. They’ll never suspect it.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.

8 thoughts on “Yeah, I’m not Alpha”

  1. Stereo.* says:

    I can’t stress enough how I don’t have bail money for you. I mean, I want to have bail money for you but as it stands, I just don’t have it right now. So I ask that if you’re intent on causing the kind of havoc that will surely ensure from speaking very loudly about crowbar executions, you at least wait until I can afford to bail you out when you get arrested for public brawling. That’s what friends do.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      See, unless I start a mass panic, I can’t get in trouble for talking. I have a Constitutionally protected right to my opinions. I might get kicked out of places, but they can’t arrest me.

  2. Tracy Mangold says:

    Does it include farting really loudly in the middle of a quiet sanctuary filled with tons of people? Not just any fart but the really hot stinky kind ? That pushes the envelope a bit, I think. 🙂

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I don’t spend much time in sanctuaries anymore, but there are some lines I wouldn’t cross. I took an oath to respect all religions a long time ago.

  3. Brandee Baltzell says:

    You could always go the route that my brother has…he’s a big, intimidating looking guy, with long hair & a beard. He typically wears all black. He’s incredibly soft-spoken, and unfailingly polite, whereever he goes. He scares the HELL out of the little ladies at his local post office. I agree with Stereo, though. We would have to take up some sort of collection in order to gather your bail money. Just don’t.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      Hmm. I’m large, wear mostly black and have a beard…. I used to have long hair, too, until my ex-wife told me I had the intimidating stature of a serial killer. I suppose Teddy Rosevelt was Alpha as they come, and he was all “speak softly and quietly conquer Cuba.”

  4. Brooke Farmer says:

    I am *totally* with you on the whole crowbar executions for cheesecake food stamps purchases!

    Did you know that people can go to the in-store Starbucks and buy frapuccinos with their food stamps?!?! I can’t afford to drink those things but they can because the government (read: you and me) are buying it for them.

    Damn. Will someone please buy me a frap? I am all agitated now.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I’ve never had a frap from Starbucks. I used to work in the DFA warehouse where they stored it, and we got the bottles all free like. I love it.

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