I am not an organized person. I am about as focused as a broken movie projector, and it is really starting to hamper my ability to get things done. I know I have talked about my chronic procrastination in the past, and I’ve found a couple of ways of doing things that have really helped me stay productive in my day job, but for the most part, I’ve been ignoring them in the parts of my life that really matter. The career I want to pursue and the goals I have that will get me away from a boring, hopeless life spent in monotony.
I have too many pokers in the fire, and pretty soon something has got to give. I’m going to have to spend some time seriously analyzing my current projects list and trimming the fat from the things that aren’t working, or need more attention than what I can give to make work. I have to spend the time to find my priorities, or everything is going to come crashing down around me. Once you fall too far behind, there is no catching up. There is no pushing the break through and making the big play that saves everything. Some things just get dropped and left behind, no matter how little you want to loose them.
That’s the story of my life, though. I’ve always pushed myself to do everything on my own, and never allowed myself to realize that I can’t keep going like that. I just push myself, a little harder, a little longer, and then one day, I just give up.
Here’s the thing, though: this time, if I give up, it isn’t on a project or a hobby or a craft idea. If I give up this time, it would be loosing the dream I’ve held onto my entire life.
I don’t know how to get better at what I am doing. I feel entirely like I’ve hit a brick wall, and that no matter what I try, it just doesn’t seem like there is anyway around it. I think the problem stems from the fact that I am built inherently wrong for living in the modern era. I love and embrace the culture of the Digital Age, and I can see the world I was meant to be part of on the horizon, but we aren’t in that world yet. I was built to live in some sort of utopian society like Star Trek, where people live lives based on their own personal pursuit of happiness, and the resources are available to keep everyone going in what they were meant to do.
We don’t live in a world like that, though. We live in a world where someone is allowed to do what they are meant to do if they can find a way to make money from doing so. That is the only thing that makes our world go round, and for a person who’s mind lacks any kind of business sense, it is pretty much pure hell.
I hate money.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t necessarily believe in the ideals of a communism, and I don’t begrudge capitalists or the like. I just can’t find it in myself to care enough about money to really push to go after it. I really would just be happy if I had enough of it to do the things that make me happy while keeping a roof over my head and my stomach full.
Some people might say that I lack ambition and greed.
I suppose in some ways that I do, and that might be my own downfall. I just can’t bring myself to care. I think my fatal flaw isn’t a lack of ambition, it’s a complete ambivalence towards the ideas for a goal that most of the world sees as “success” or “failure.” I don’t think I see those words as being defined the way that the rest of society sees them.
I believe myself to be a failure.
The reason for that is simple: I had a goal when I started my blog, and I have not achieved it.
I didn’t go into writing thinking that I was going to become rich and famous inside a year, but I did have a pretty defined goal in my mind as to what I wanted to achieve.
It was simple, there were milestones, and on a reasonable timeline I might add, and I let them go because I didn’t have it in me to push them to far.
I was supposed to have a book finished and ready to publish by now. I was supposed to have hit the 100 subscribers plateau. I was supposed to have accomplished so many things, and I just didn’t push to get them done.
I’m still procrastinating.
By writing this article right now, I’ve put off working on the things that will help me grow as a person.
So, yeah, I think of myself as a failure, because the most important goal, the one where I taught myself to achieve goals and move forward is the one I let drop.
I’m not growing, I’m stagnating.
That’s pretty much the same thing as being dead.
I refuse to be dead anymore.