For weeks now, I’ve been trying to find out who the left-wing progressive version of Glenn Beck was. I scoured the internet, burned through page after page of deeply insane rightwing blogs looking for who they thought of as their enemy.

The answer I got from those nutjobs was pretty predictable, all of them. You see, the majority of right wing asshats are basically all sheltered private school trust fund babies that only know 2 things, what the church tells them, and what spews forth from Sarah Palin’s facehole.

Tonight, I decided to try a different approach to the issue, I decided to immerse myself in left wing media until my brain melted into a fine goo. It didn’t take long for me to find the king of progressive Asshats:

ED SCHULTZ

The Scorecard for Ed Shultz’s Douchedickdom:

Political Pundit: CHECK

Dreamweaver Graphics on show: CHECK

Chalkboard: No

Logical Opinions: No

Buzzword of Choice: Psycho!

Overall Douche Score: 7.9

An Evening With MSNBC’S The Ed Show

In the name of social research, I decided I would spend the evening watching MSNBC. I’ve spent evenings with so-called “news stations” in the past, and found that there wasn’t enough brain bleach in the world to make me fully capable of putting together logical statements ever again. I though, maybe, just MAYBE, MSNBC would be better.

I should have remembered that, like all Microsoft products, it was probably going to drive me to at least drink, and possibly homicide… jury’s still out on which.

5:00 PM – The Ed Show Begins

Alright, starting off tonight I’m already drawing the parallels between Ed Schultz and Glenn Beck, and the guy has only been on the screen for about 30 seconds. QUE BAD GRAPHIC!

ED’S HOT BUTTONS!

• • THUG STOMPER WANTS HIS VICTIM TO APOLOGIZE!?
  • DEM SHOWS FOX, TEA PARTY GOONS HOW ITS DONE
  • ANGLE WHIPPING UP FEARS TO VOTER FRAUD

Yes, its in all caps, just like that. I have to warn you, if you watch The Ed Show, you’re going to have to look at bad power point on the screen all night…. its like Schultz’s version of the chalkboard. It will get annoying, and it will make you cry the last remnants of your sanity into your Smirnoff Ice Strawberry Acai flavored adult beverage and wait for the sweet release of death.

So the graphic is up, and Shcultz immediately tirades into the first “hot button” calling it, “the most psycho thing [he’s] ever heard,” and that he has a message for “Mr Paul,” apparently, its time to “Man up, Buddy!” Ok… so, psycho instead of wingbat, nutjob, whackado or whatever, and “Man Up.” Two sides of the fence, same jackass statements.

The second headline makes me think, yay, someone’s getting smashed in retaliation for the smashing at the debate. Soon, the world will fall into escalating gang violence and we’ll all feast on the hearts of our opponents to gain their power! But, no, once again referring to the whacko TeaPartiers (which is interchangeably used with TeaBaggers through out the program for a double entendre that I’m 100% sure was intended), he goes on to talk about “Fox News Goons” trying to ambush a Democrat party meeting in Wisconsin… because… you know… Wisconsin is where the cheese comes from.

Third Headline – “Sharon Angle, well I think she’s officially lost her mind.”

DING DING DING! 3 MINUTES, 3 REFERENCES TO MENTAL INSANITY, HE HAS PULLED OFF THE HATRICK!

Sitting on my couch, I’ve devised a brand new “Ed Show Drinking Game.” Will remember to play it the next time I feel the need to subject myself to MSNBC.

FIRED UP!

Alright, meat and potatoes of the show. Lets see if this guy has anything to say. We’re pissed about Profitt, well duh, who isn’t? Lets make sure we only use this photo of him with Rand Paul, and put it up there as much as we possibly can. Ok, I can’t disagree with you, Schultz, the guy is a scumbag, thug, coward. I mean, I’m calling for his public execution via curb stomping, which is ironic because its a skill he fails at.

Oh, wait, a joke comparing debate turnout to college basketball, hahahaha, I get it, because if we care about politics, we’d just watch your show, instead of actually seeing what politics have to say. After all, this crucial Senatorial election will only decide the fate of the Nation and Kentucky, but this is “just a debate.”

And, fuck! He’s got me yelling at my television like a crazy cat lady.

How am I still able to watch this… how much time can I possibly have left in this hour?

10 minute mark

Schultz is ranting about the “low educated” tea party, and basically referring to them as animals beyond their own control, like a dog that’s been raised for dog fighting attacking the neighbor, its not the dog’s fight it killed that old lady, his owner (in this case referenced as Glenn Beck by another Power Point graphic on the screen) is to blame.

I should point out that by the has marks I’ve made in my little comp book, the term “Rand Paul’s Thugs” has been used 10 times already.

In a show of complete blindness, by never once mentioning Kenneth Gladney, Schultz now makes a veiled threat that the Teabaggers are lucky that MoveOn.org doesn’t travel with those kinds of “Rand Paul Thugs” (11)

IT’LL BE ANARCHY IN THE STREETS! RIOTS IN THE COURTROOM! IT’LL BE… IT’LL BE…

Europe after every Soccer match ever.

Expert Panelist, Mike Papatino (Radio Show Host), is now telling us that they “would stomp on decency, stomp on intellect and democracy.” That this “psychopath” should “have charges pressed”

No fucking way? You think? He should get arrested? Really?

But then why hasn’t he been yet! Since, you know, there is video proof of him trying to murder a woman with his foot, and he came on local news, without showing his face (because it matters when you give out your name), and told the world he’d smashed her because she was a MoveOn.Org pro advocate!?

Well, Shcultz tells us, the Tea Party is controlling everything in the country and they all want you to die in their armed overthrow of the gubbment.

Use of the catch phrase Psycho is now up to 14, 15 if you count me calling Schultz that just now.

In the next 30 seconds, the count goes up 5 more.

Schultz likes his catchphrase as much as Beck likes crying giant fake tears.

Saved by the commercial break from killing my television, pouring a gallon of gasoline on myself and dancing in a bonfire of my own sanity.

MSNBC, brought to you buy Rich white people that don’t give a fuck about anything other than their own Alzheimer’s. (Yes, the Ed Show is sponsored by the AARP)

PSYCHO TALK!!!

Does naming your section after your buzzword count towards its usage tally? I think it does (15)

Now, Schultz spends about 5 minutes visually aroused by his seething narcissistic hatred of Glenn Beck, and explaining to us about how he’s written a HoYay slash fic with Glenn Beck and Tom Tencredo. We’re reminded that if Tencredo gets elected to Governor of Colorado, Glenn Beck will use Denver as the starting point for his armed march to kill all Americans and start a [REDACTED FOR GODWIN’S LAW]

Ironically, this leads into his next section about how the “Tea Part Psychos” are trying to militarize their campaign tactics, in a segment Schultz calls, The Battleground.

Now we get to listen to him talk about all kinds of meaningless crap that doesn’t effect anybody, like how some fox reporters showed up to a democrat meeting and… did nothing. Now of course we’ll cherry pick some redneck comments from a website that has about 55 billion on there, and point out that the guy running the meeting looks like a terrorist ourselves about 15 times to show how racist the other side is.

I’m asking myself why Chheda decided to go on this show in the first place. He seems nice, and he was nice to Fox news guy. I’d bet he’d buy us all an ice cream while we drove over his flowers, he’s that type of guy.

Now Schultz spends forever talking about how we shouldn’t talk about Juan Williams anymore. Okay, I get it, shut the crap up already. People get fired, people get jobs at another place. When its media people they GET PAID TO BADMOUTH OTHER PEOPLE. Juan Williams is doing his 2 million dollar job.

Hey, Fox, for 2 million dollars and a sweet contract, I’ll badmouth myself, my dog, and I’ll do it wearing a ninja outfit! *Wink wink*

Then, they go on to pick on Christine O’Donnell for her bad radio show. Ok. I have to say, O’Donnell is so retarded, that Sarah Palin thinks she stupid, okay? Picking on this chick is not just mean, its like throwing a basketball at the kid with Down’s Syndrome, even the other asshole jocks will think your being a fuck douche.

At this point, they pretty much recap all the batshit things they’ve been saying all night and I think they must have a catchphrase quota, because they really knock that count up to 30 in the last few minutes of the show.

I think for about 30 seconds about watching “Hardball with blah blah blah” and decide I’d rather pour Veet my pubic hair.

For the fairness, check back Friday for part 2 of my horrible scathing decline into madness, an evening with Glenn Beck.

Until then, do yourselves a favor, stick to John Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Its scary, but at least they know their supposed to be funny.

Tags: MSNBC