What am I doing Wrong?

DepressionThere is a forlorn moment in just about ever day when I let my mind settle down long enough to absorb the information I’ve been shoving into it. In that moment, I find myself slipping away from productivity and into a deep, dark hole of doubt and self hatred. It’s my Achilles Heel, so to speak. I am never happy when I am inside my own head. I like to fill my day with as much busy work as possible because the truth is my own thoughts are always, always, dark and depressing. I have somehow managed to convince myself that not only am I complete and utter failure, but that there is nothing I can do to correct it.

I am a depression robot powered by self-loathing.

I don’t know how to stop myself from constantly circling back to these horrible destructive thoughts, either. It’s like I am being circled at all times by sharks made entirely of self-inflicted hatred. I can distract myself from their beady-eyed gaze for a time with mindless labor, web comics, or social media, but sooner or later, their jaws open and the lunge forward for the kill. In those moments, it feels as if great gorges of my soul have been ripped away by the fanged smiles, and all I can do is concentrate on the pain and loss. There is nothing I can do to distract my mind as the wounds callous over and I become a little bit less of myself for awhile.

Today I’m feeling like there isn’t quite enough left of me to chum the waters.

I’m not a fan of change, but change is inevitable. 

After six years of living in the same home, a home that my family has had for almost 20 of my 29 years, I am leaving it behind completely. I know that the situation I am moving into will be better for me in the long run. I know that I will eventually be more secure financially and emotionally because of it. That doesn’t stop me from hating that I am moving for no other reason than moving is horrible. The added stress of the fact that I am leaving behind a very large part of my life by doing so is boiling up inside me as well.

I feel warn out and withered.

I am stalling the move for no reason because I don’t think I’m ready to handle the emotions of it quite yet.

I feel stupid because of that. I should just be done with it and move on with my life.

On top of the stress that comes with moving, I am also carrying all this extra worry about money and my dog, and my parents, and I just can’t seem to let anything go.

So, I keep plugging myself along, looking for some sort of answer to get me motivated and alive again, but the stress I won’t let myself get rid of keeps piling up.

There are so many questions clogging up my mind and I can’t seem to find answers for any of them.

They all seem to come back to the same five words, though, “What am I doing wrong?”

I’m clearly not doing something that I should be doing. My life is not going the way it should have gone and I’m tired of trying to stay positive and focused. The goals are not any closer and the hill just feels like it’s getting steeper and steeper.

Self doubts are starting to weigh me down pretty heavily, and I’m getting worried that I won’t be able to keep going forever like this.

Something has to change.

So tell me.

Tell me what I should be doing differently.

How do I get motivated in the right direction again?

Which direction is the right direction?

How does someone be happy?

I don’t know any of that anymore. I just need someone to tell me.


7 thoughts on “What am I doing Wrong?

  1. Uncle Skip says:

    Matt, I am much older than you, but I ask that same question every day. I have come to tje conclusion it is not me that is doing everything wrong. It is the world. Same applies to you, it isn’t you, it is the rest of the world.

    1. So, what you’re saying is, they don’t make drugs to cure awesome…

  2. Stereo.* says:

    I don’t think there’s one solution to being happy. I think that happiness is fleeting and that moods change and circumstances shift and we’re in flux a lot of the time. And I think that takes some getting used to and that’s okay. For me, I do my best to engage in the things that not only bring a smile to my face but make me feel satisfied, fulfilled and stable. That means writing, that means having long conversations with people I care about, that means tucking myself up in bed with a box of Maltesers and a stack of films and sometimes it means allowing myself to get angry/sad/tired and riding that out until I come out of the other side.

    So that’s what I advise you to do, buddy. Chase the things that make you feel grounded, secure and smiley. It’s a start ♥

    1. I’ll give it a try, but I’m not sure that chain smoking and eating buckets of fried chicken at a time are the healthiest acts here. I might need to find something new to keep me grounded.

  3. Stereo is right. There isn’t a solution really. I understand the feeling. The key is knowing to not allow yourself to wallow in the depression. It is SO easy to do. I know because I allow myself to do that once in a while – most of the time for creative purposes because I know some of my best writing comes out of it but it becomes dangerous when I allow it to linger longer than I should and the longer I linger there, the harder it is to get out of the black area. What makes you happy. What do you want to be doing. And why AREN’T you doing it? Those are the questions I ask myself. One step at a time. My other big thing is I make myself laugh. I listen to music that is positive. I try to feed my brain with positive thoughts and stimuli. But everyone is different. You have to do what works for you.

    1. Given ultimate choice, the things that I would do to make me happy are the things that are impossible with the way life is at the moment. Some doors are closed forever and some door haven’t opened yet. I suppose I should work towards opening the doors I can and forgetting the ones I can’t.

  4. The good and the bad are part of us all. That doesn’t make it easier, this is true. But you can work towards remembering the small things that make you happier- the feel of your pups fur when you pet her, time with friends where you laugh so hard your sides split, feeling accomplished as you write- even when you write negative things, waking and knowing you made it to another day. It’s always these little things that matter the most. They keep you grounded.

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