There is a forlorn moment in just about ever day when I let my mind settle down long enough to absorb the information I’ve been shoving into it. In that moment, I find myself slipping away from productivity and into a deep, dark hole of doubt and self hatred. It’s my Achilles Heel, so to speak. I am never happy when I am inside my own head. I like to fill my day with as much busy work as possible because the truth is my own thoughts are always, always, dark and depressing. I have somehow managed to convince myself that not only am I complete and utter failure, but that there is nothing I can do to correct it.
I am a depression robot powered by self-loathing.
I don’t know how to stop myself from constantly circling back to these horrible destructive thoughts, either. It’s like I am being circled at all times by sharks made entirely of self-inflicted hatred. I can distract myself from their beady-eyed gaze for a time with mindless labor, web comics, or social media, but sooner or later, their jaws open and the lunge forward for the kill. In those moments, it feels as if great gorges of my soul have been ripped away by the fanged smiles, and all I can do is concentrate on the pain and loss. There is nothing I can do to distract my mind as the wounds callous over and I become a little bit less of myself for awhile.
Today I’m feeling like there isn’t quite enough left of me to chum the waters.
I’m not a fan of change, but change is inevitable.
After six years of living in the same home, a home that my family has had for almost 20 of my 29 years, I am leaving it behind completely. I know that the situation I am moving into will be better for me in the long run. I know that I will eventually be more secure financially and emotionally because of it. That doesn’t stop me from hating that I am moving for no other reason than moving is horrible. The added stress of the fact that I am leaving behind a very large part of my life by doing so is boiling up inside me as well.
I feel warn out and withered.
I am stalling the move for no reason because I don’t think I’m ready to handle the emotions of it quite yet.
I feel stupid because of that. I should just be done with it and move on with my life.
On top of the stress that comes with moving, I am also carrying all this extra worry about money and my dog, and my parents, and I just can’t seem to let anything go.
So, I keep plugging myself along, looking for some sort of answer to get me motivated and alive again, but the stress I won’t let myself get rid of keeps piling up.
There are so many questions clogging up my mind and I can’t seem to find answers for any of them.
They all seem to come back to the same five words, though, “What am I doing wrong?”
I’m clearly not doing something that I should be doing. My life is not going the way it should have gone and I’m tired of trying to stay positive and focused. The goals are not any closer and the hill just feels like it’s getting steeper and steeper.
Self doubts are starting to weigh me down pretty heavily, and I’m getting worried that I won’t be able to keep going forever like this.
Something has to change.
So tell me.
Tell me what I should be doing differently.
How do I get motivated in the right direction again?
Which direction is the right direction?
How does someone be happy?
I don’t know any of that anymore. I just need someone to tell me.
Tags: Depression, Self Loathing, self pity