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Top 9: Web Comic Writers to Bet on in a Royal Rumble

I set out to write a top 9 list of Web Comics that make you feel like you’re a horrible person when you laugh at them. I quickly realized that there are far too many out there, and while researching which ones were the funniest most horrifying, I began to realize I would never be able to get that much work done without going into a serious traction from laughing disgustedly turning away so hard. Lamenting the horribleness of my decision by complaining to my friend (@Yeti_Detective), a solution arose from a simple comment, “Too bad you can’t make web comics fight to the death… but you CAN MAKE WEB COMIC CREATORS FIGHT TO THE DEATH!”

Web Comic Royal Rumble was Born in the Twisted Regions of my powerfully insane mind.

WEBCOMIC ROYAL RUMBLE

In the year 2034, the New Earth Hive Collective has become bored and disillusioned with humorous pictures on their monitors. In response, they have sent forth robot probes throughout the planet to steal bits of DNA from the world’s most infamous criminals, the members of the “Web Comic Alliance.” These men and women, having torn the psyche of millions to shreds some 20 years earlier with their internet humors an drawings had been all but left extinct. Now it was time for them to serve their functions once again. Augmented with technology and genetic enhancements, their clones have been thrust into squared circle with one reason, and one reason only…

Total Victory…

With one representative from each web comic every created present, old alliances and grudges led to a brutal and bloody fight. Now, the field is all but clear, and only the 9 best competitors remain…

9: The Entire Collective of Cyanide and Happiness

There wasn’t much left of the crew that writes Cyanide and Happiness after the  NEHC released it’s deadliest weapon, the inappropriate joke seeking nuclear missile. As a result, all attempts to clone the insane humorists that took turns creating offensive and morally reprehensible comics resulted in clones only a few inches tall. The solution came at once, was a robotics scientist began watching old cartoons. A robot suit was built, made of collection of smaller robot vehicles, they could come together to form one, human sized and deadly fighting machine.

8: R.K. Milholland of Something Postive

Milholland had been a hero of the Web Comic Alliance during the Purging War, mostly impart of the great and epic strength provided by his most magical of beards. Unfortunately his clone has not had the time to regrow the beard, and as such, he is significantly weakened physically. His mind is still as sharp as ever, though, and that alone is a dangerous force of cunning wit.

7: Randall Monroe of XKCD

Randall Monroe was a mad genius. His knowledge of mathematics and physics was unparalleled in the Web Comic Alliance. His mind could calculate thousands of battle scenarios instantly, all the while pining for lost loves and mocking the social norms of the younger generations. Unfortunately, the scientists that recreated Monroe used images from his web comic to understand what he looks like, and thus, he is now a stick figure man. This makes it hard for others to get a good grip on him, but it also makes him light and easily thrown if they do manage to catch him.

6: Jerry Holkins of Penny Arcade

Jerry Holkins, better known throughout the world as Tycho, has a significant power. His words command the respect and obedience of thousands, and along with his partner, created one of the most powerful web comics in existence. He has created entire worlds on a whim, and brought havoc to those that would offend him. Now, however, his armies are gone, and this general is on his own.

5: T. Campbell of Several Comics

Just by reading his name, T. Campbell gains power over your mind. This is why know one will ever know what the T stands for. His insight into the lives of both teenagers and sorcerers alike is unmatched, and he is known throughout the Web Comic Alliance as a friend of all, and is regarded a bit as a folk hero. Though he is unlikely to be defeated by many in the Royal Rumble, he is also unlikely to willingly send others to their own demise.

4: Ananth Panagarlya of AppleGeeks

Though Ananth and Hawk went quite long before the start of the war, their mindless and evil devotion to spreading the Propaganda that Macs were, in fact, some sort of computer and not just a giant useless pile of  plastic never faded. Single-handedly responsible for the widespread use of iProducts that lead to near universal overthrown of humanity by the Applites, they disappeared into cyber history. Now, armed with a whole new level of iTech, Ananth has been resurrected to finish the betrayal of humanity he started.

3: Aaron Diaz of Dresden Codak

Aaron Diaz comes to the field armed in the weaponry that only he could wield, steam-punk robot lasers. With a spark of creativity and a fresh understanding of the universe around him, he is a force to be reckoned with. His mind conceived some of the best concepts for artistry and fiction in the early 21st century.

2: Tim Buckley of Ctrl-Alt-Del

In many ways, Tim Buckley is the opposing force against Ananth Panagarlya and his partner. His devotion to Microsoft and it’s products helped maintain enough instability in the computer market for Open Source competitors to arise in the aftermath of the OS Wars and eliminate both evil forces. Some considered Buckley to be a prophet, contacted by the will of the Gaming Gods to create the Church of Gaming. If his clone survives the Royal Rumble, perhaps the truth could finally be found.

1: Jeffrey Rowland of Overcompensating

The #1 contender, Jeffrey Rowland isn’t just a web comic creator. He isn’t just a millionaire-cowboy-poet. No, he is the schemer. With only a workforce of imaginary friends to aid him, Rowland managed to build an industry of t-shirt production the likes of witch the world has never seen before or sense. Some say that the imaginary friends are not imaginary at all, but ghosts he enslaved during his time in hell, bound by his connection to death through the massive brown recluse wound on his leg. A wound that would have ended a mortal man. The presence of the perpetually open wound has led many to believe that the Jeffrey Rowland in the Rumble is not a clone, but the original man himself.

 

I personally put 6:1 odd on Rowland not just winning the Rumble, but possibly doing so by smoking bath salts and eating the faces of the remaining web comic writers. Still, place your bets quickly, the fighting begins in 1/2 an hour.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.