I don’t want to be one of those people that says that music is evil in and of itself, but there are songs that definitely border on the completely and utterly psychotic. You know, the songs that you would expect to find on Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer’s iPod. Songs that just make you feel like your blood has turned into a hot, angry acid and started burning it’s way through your veins, clearing out the built up piles of cholesterol and fueling every vile and violent tendency that you’ve banished to the far, dark shadowy corners of your mind. You know, the kind of music I listen to while I’m writing.
What’s the point in writing if you’re not going to torture an innocent character to death in violent and obscene ways, right? It’s what my high school guidance councilor told me, anyway.
Now, I am not endorsing the act of Ritualistic Murder. I find it to be… um.. icky. What I think I’m trying to say here, is if you’re out on a date with someone, and they bring you back to their place, put on some music and this is their playlist, you might want to start looking for the chilled room with soundproofing, because you’re about to get bled out like a fatted calf.
1 - Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit
THE 90s TEEN ANTHEM OF ANGER AND RAGE…. packing a chainsaw. If you’re around someone who is still listening to Limp Bizkit in 2012, chances are they have, at the very least, some really bad taste. You should probably start to examine some of the choices you’ve made in your recent life, and then you should think, ‘Nah, Matt’s still a pretty cool guy, even if he’s got the most horrendous choices in music ever.’ I’d seriously appreciate that. I’ll do my best to not listen to my bad music in your presence.
Now, you might not be thinking that this chaotic, fast pounding song about loosing your mind and slashing someone in the streets is a great fit for a ritualistic killing, but that just tells me that you didn’t go to high school in the late 90s and see the emergence of a new and sinister cult… the cult of “Anger Rock” and “Nu-Metal.” I mean, the fields of white t-shirts and backwards, red baseball caps where nigh endless, and war between those kids and the kids with crow make up and ankle hems measuring in the triple digits in diameter was epic, with lasting psychological effects on all of us that survived. It was a time of great darkness and terrifying possibility. It would be easy for anyone that still clung to the old ways of Durst to use this song as their battle hymn as they sacrificed their victims upon and altar made of crystal cases and tiny, tiny cell phones.
There would be horrible rap-rock clichés everywhere!
2 - Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin
A ritualistic murder doesn’t have to be a knife on an altar. I’m pretty sure we can also include cult suicides, and I’m 100% sure that Bobby McFerrin has driven more people self-induced murder than any other musician in the history of music…. counting, of course, for the fact that Morrissey is actually a pity demon, and not a real person. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” is the most annoying song in the history of the planet, trumping out “Everybody must get stoned” and “The song the Never Ends” in a close but brutal free-for-all. Everything about the song screams, “JUST LET ME DIE!” That’s why I figure those people that believe things like the moon is a secret base for alien overlords or that pizza isn’t delicious probably listen to this as they drink their Kool-Aid.
3 - The Future by Leonard Cohen
What type of person would kill while listening to Leonard Cohen? A just and righteous killer, slaughtering “Vampires” in the name of God. Or… someone looking for payback. With this guy, there’s going to be a bunch of candles and holy symbols, but most of the work will be done with an “enchanted” shotgun that whispers wisdom to the murderer. Seriously, this is probably the guy that’s gunning for me right now.
There’s a good chance that this kid started out as one of the goth kids being sacrificed to Limp Bizkit and ascended into some serious Lost Boys stuff before going full bend into the whole John Constantine thing. The comic, not the movie.
He’s probably also harboring a collection of comics by Neil Gaiman and has rigged a trap on his bedroom door to fling ninja tools at people that try to come in.
4 - Good By, Earl by the Dixie Chicks
Power to her. I’m not going to get in her way.
5 – How Soon is Now by the Smiths
The other side of the Gothic Murder Coin. These are the kids that decided they were going to be Vampires or Witches and cast hexes at their enemies. They don’t actually murder their intended victims, of course, just bystanders they can use to cast their spells. Mostly, their inspired by the t.v. show Charmed, a complete and powerful self-delusion, and brain damage caused by all the hair dye.
6 - Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas
Ah, Kansas, the power ballad band of choice for all murders. You don’t think these lyrics are all about finding the rest at the end of a long day’s work, do you? Well they are… a long days work chopping people’s heads off with heavy axes, then piling the corpses up to burn on a giant bonfire. There is a reason this song has such a giant body count in movies and t.v. shows. It sings to the mind to stab, smite, and destroy, all while saying a prayer to the Lord above.
Also, beating someone to death with a Louisville Slugger.
7 - The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel
I know, you’re asking me, “Who could possibly kill to the Sounds of Silence?” The answer is quite disturbing: a calm, sinister mind. Sound of Silence is one of the creepiest songs out there if you think about it a certain way, and I bet there are a lot of people out there that do. They don’t listen to Simon and Garfunkel for some sort of religious ceremonial reason when they slice people up, but it is part of their ritual none the less. Think more like Dexter Morgan or Jack the Ripper here. It’s a song that lends itself well to an organized and methodically sadistic mind.
In fact, the person who uses this song is so frightening that I can’t even draw them humorously, but you can’t bet they would have reflective shades.
8 - The Flower Duet by Léo Delibes
Opera is a classic serial killer move, and that’s why it’s so low on the list. It’s almost a cliché, really. This is the type of killer that sets up elaborate traps and then dances around with a machete while chopping people up and singing along with the old timey phonograph. Imagine a giant mansion with white marble columns and you have this guy’s lair. Truly a monster, you probably are already dead if you end up in his trap, so just go with it. He’s the type of guy that wants you to scream as part of his song, so if you just lay there and let him kill you, he’ll get really upset and miffed. Really, it’s probably the best you’re going to be able to do.
9 - ANY Chanting Monks
Let’s face it, if you’re strapped to an altar, surrounded by a circle of candles and hear the chanting of monks, you’re not going to think, “Oh, fun times.” This is THE ritual music, I mean, literally, it was music invented for rituals, and it can be both pleasant and creepy, which makes it perfect for those people that have lost the part of their brain that says, “Maybe I shouldn’t carve sacred runes all over this person’s body with an exacto knife for no good reason.” It just screams out, “Sacrifice someone, and do now… with extra blood on the side, please.”
The absolute best music for this is Benedictine monks, because those guys have got that inflection thing down to a science.
Now remember, this article was written for your own protection, and if it ever saves your life, you can thank me in the form of pizza rolls, chicken wings, or piles of cash.