As I put on my pants this morning, I was stricken with a sadness that is unimaginable. This horrible feeling overcame me that something was just wrong with the universe, and it needed to be addressed. There are far too many people in the world ignorant of some very basic truths about society, reality, and the oppressive forces that control them. I’m here to remedy that with today’s top 9.
Top 9 Mundane Objects Responsible for the Downfall of Mankind
This might get confusing, try to follow along. This list was, of course, compiled from years of research into human history, combining the work of literally fives of bored people in their mid-twenties and dozens of adult beverages. There is a lot of hard work and raw acheology here. The details of which would be hard to explain in anything shy of a million page book and at least a fifth of Bacardi O and a 2 Liter of Sprite.
Do not try this level of research at home, it was conducted by professionals.
1 – Pants
It has been theorized that if Greece had never fallen, that man would have evolved into energy like beings with near infinite power by now. It is said that Rome was the greatest Empire ever to walk to Earth. The Mayans possessed greater knowledge of astrophysics than all of the world’s modern space research institutes. So, what happened?
All of these ancient races of freeballin’ super men were killed by lesser mortals wearing pants.
You see, airing out your junk has a significant effect on the development of your brain goo, but it is not particularly practical in battle. If it were not for the discovery of pants, no one could have exploited the weakness of not wearing pants, thus wiping out the greatest minds of all times.
2 – Cows
Going beyond the fact that cows are basically soulless monstrosities that exist only to maintain the methane content of our atmosphere, they are also directly responsible for the destruction of human innocence and the creation of all evil on the planet. Seriously, look into the eyes of a cow and all you see is pure, unadulterated evil. That’s what goes into your body when you eat a delicious, juicy, mouth-watering steak-burger. Pure evil…
The Cow Conspiracy is an extremely detailed and complicated one, and I will do my best to get the world’s foremost expert on Cow Mind Control to explain it to you in the next Half Drunk Podcast, but it basically boils to this:
Cows are pure evil. They are addictively tasty and also unbelievably stupid. The discovery by early humans of these two traits led directly to the discovery of Agriculture and the creation of early civilization. If you find out just how far this rabbit hole goes, you too will understand why cows are evil and the only chance we have for survival as a race is to eat all of them.
ALL OF THEM!
3 – Mtv’s The Real World
Reality Television… Reality FREAKIN’ TELEVISION! Do I need to point out the myriad of ways in which these garbage shows are destroying our culture? If you have ever asked yourself, “Why do people seem so stupid now?” you should be aware that the answer is extremely simple:
You see, once upon a time, Television was scripted and penned by men and women who used brains and creativity to create compelling, though often quaint, scenarios that twisted and boiled inside the minds of the viewer. It might have all seemed simple at casual glance, but in the end, it would fester for a few days and blossom into something brilliant and inspired.
The work was subtle, because Censorship, one of the most evil and dastardly beings in existence was powerful in those days, and took it’s primary function, keeping people ignorant, very seriously. It made the work harder, and increased both the understanding of the human psyche and the empathic condition we all share.
Then MTV discovered that it could make a lot more money by murdering television and replacing it with assholes living in a studio apartment. The trend continues today.
This could have been a great concept, in theory, highlighting the human condition, but instead, it has become entertainment for the lowest common denominator.
Very few Reality Shows have done what the Real World Set out to do originally, and that was show us interesting cultures and real human behavior.
Most are just less expensive versions of cheap 80s T&A movies.
4 – House Cats
If you have never interacted with a House Cat, then you are lucky, as your soul is probably still intact. House Cats are the miniaturizations of the worlds largest predatory mammals. Though they have used evil feline magics to turn themselves into a tiny race of spies and level 1 mage assassins, they still know that they are truly the largest, most badass monsters that roam the Earth1.
Seriously, watch the way a cat looks at you. It knows that it owns your soul and can make you do it’s bidding. If it’s subtle mews and purrs don’t control your actions efficiently enough, it will come to you while you sleep and use a combination of suffocation torture and cat-reiki to alter your brainwaves.
Flee while you have the chance, or better yet, make
1 – Cat’s do not believe in reptiles.
5 – The Remote Control
Once upon a time, if a person wanted to know what was going on around him, he had to go and look. Then we invented the radio, which let us know, but most of us don’t like to believe just words, so we’d go and see it for ourselves. Then along came television, and finally we could just ignore the outside world while still seeming informed around the water cooler at work.
All of this led to us sitting around more, but then, THEN the final nail in the coffin came into being:
The Remote Control.
Before the remote we had to get up and walk across the room to change the channel, or at the very least, lift a heavy stick to poke the kid into doing it. After the remote, no more physical labor was involved ever again…
6 – Guns
Some of you might think I’m anti gun because guns kill people. I’m not.
You see, the gun, in its self-righteous and sexy way, made some things obsolete. Primarily, it made the sword obsolete.
The integrity of mankind took a hit the day that we stopped carrying large, expensive blades strapped to us on a daily basis. It slowly but steadily made the world a more dangerous place.
People should not only be encouraged to carry weapons everywhere they go, they should be encouraged to do so openly.
It scares the piss out of muggers.
Something about guns just isn’t as effective at that as a morning star or a machete.
I’m not sure why.
7 – Flip Flops
Shoe: n an external covering for the human foot, usually of leatherand consisting of a more or less stiff or heavy sole and alighter upper part ending a short distance above, at, or below the ankle.
Flip flops are NOT shoes.
They are disgusting, disease spreading monstrosities that serve one purpose and one purpose only: To make everyone around you sick at the sight of your horrid, disgusting, sweaty, unsocked, swollen, jam-filled, corn-covered, toes.
There are 2 times it is acceptable to wear flipflops:
1 – When bathing in a public shower.
2 – When you are too pregnant to wear shoes anymore.
If you are wearing fipflops at any other time, you should rethink EVERY DECISION YOU’VE EVER MADE, because, clearly, you’re bad at making them.
8 – Clown Wigs
Ah, the noble profession of the Clown. The witty genius who’s job it is to keep the snooty and powerful from ever thinking themselves perfect. Once upon a time it was the clown’s job to sit around with Kings and Knights and make fun of their flaws. Basically, a clown was a professional asshole. Not only that, but they were generally the only people respected enough to get away with making fun of the King’s pimple or the Queen’s incessant facial tick.
Then they started putting on stupid hats. It’s hard to respect someone in a stupid hat, and they began to loose their rank as the wise-guy of the court. People stopped thinking of them as funny, and without them, we went a long time without anyone telling the king that he was a dick.
This led to the French Revolution.
Once clowns realized how far they had fallen, they tried to get back into the good graces of the Noble Courts, however, no one found them funny anymore. This led to them going the opposite direction, hoping to save humanity through fear.
The clown wig, nose, and giant shoes were born from that concept, and humanity has been cringing in fear of clowns ever since.
The problem is, fear is the mind killer. It only leads to more and more fear.
Until we can rescue clowns from themselves and restore humor to the world, we slowly drift towards nuclear war…
9 – Pizza Savers
Pizza was a miraculous invention. Much like the Sacred Taco it combined all the tasty and wonderful foods of the world together into one easily eaten form. No silverware required. (BUT IT’S STILL OKAY TO EAT PIZZA WITH A FORK IF YOU WANT TO, NO MATTER WHAT SOME OTHER JERK MIGHT TELL YOU!)
It was a glorious, amazing time in the world, shortly after the birth of the pizza. Then, darkness came down and tainted it.
By adding a single plastic tripod, the pizza that had once required you to go and find it in it’s natural, fresh, wonderful form could be delivered to you at home.
All it cost was the integrity of pizzas everywhere.
Just like the television remote, it would leave us with no reason to move to get food put in our mouths.
It would also destroy the joy of biting into a slice of pizza.
Until you have had a real pizza, served properly, you can never understand the pain of that loss.
I hope that this has enlightened you to a handful of the real dangers that we face as humans. We shouldn’t spend so much time worrying about things like bath salt zombies, impending pandemics that will wipe out humanity, or the spreading corruption of the American Government.
No, humanity needs safeguarded from real threats like these.