Ronald McDonald Didn’t Make Your Kids Fat

Don’t Blame The Clown

Now, don’t get me wrong, I blame clowns for a lot of things. In the deepest recesses of my mind I think I am permanently warped by Steven King into believing that clowns are giant, alien spiders that exist to feed off of fear and death. They are here for no reason other than being just creepy enough that it is socially acceptable to use them as the dark scapegoat of the night. The problem is, like most scapegoats, the clowns aren’t really at blame here. It’s not Ronald McDonald’s fault that you fed your kids nothing but french fries and processed chicken meat for the first 6 years of their life.


"I did not force that child to eat those big macs!"

I am a fat man. I think you need to understand that right away. I am 6’1″ tall and weigh in right around 350 pounds, and that is after losing almost 30 pounds. I’ve been bigger than other people most of my life. This is my burden that I struggle with, and it offends me when I hear things like Corporate Accountability International decide to take responsibility for my weight away from me and place the blame on something like Ronald McDonald.

You Should All Be Pissed

Basically, instead of doing something important, like going after the people who are actively poisoning our drinking water and air, CAI is spending billions of dollars to tell us all that we have no free will, that we are all controlled by harmless media icons, and that we are too stupid to eat one of the dozen things or so that aren’t going to kill you at McDonald’s. Of course, that’s assuming that you feel the need to eat out at all. Anytime someone tries remove the blame for your mistakes from you, they are trying to say you don’t matter enough to affect the world. Own your consequences, they are proof that you matter.

Accountability Should Be There

When I was a kid, I very rarely ate out at all, the occasional, rare pizza night was pretty much the only time we didn’t eat home cooked meals. I can remember thinking about how mean my parents were that I couldn’t have a Happy Meal, because all I wanted was the damn toy. You know what, they didn’t buy it for me anyway, because they were  my parents, and they made the decisions.

So, let’s just say that maybe your kid wants to eat the McDonald’s because they want to see Ronald, in my experience the playland equipment is much more a factor, but we’re assuming. Now, you have two choices: You can either take your kids to McDonald’s because they want to go, or you could choose being a parent.

This is an easy decision for me, I’m an uncle, so if the Monkeys want McDonald’s, I take them. That way I’m never the bad guy, and my brother and his wife have to deal with the sugar high from the McFlurries, bwa ha ha ha.

So, maybe CAI should stop their witch hunt against innocent (and charitable) Ronald McDonald and start doing something bigger, like bitch slapping some parents into realizing it’s okay to say “Hell, No!” to their kids.

If there was any one thing this world needs more of, its bitch-slapped parents.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go buy a 50-piece chicken McNuggets. Not because I’m fat, but because a clown is holding me at gunpoint.


Criminal Behavior should Have Criminal Consequences

Let me just start out by putting it out there plain and simple. I can solve all of our current economic and political problems with one simple solution:

Eliminate all Civil Lawsuits

That’s right. It is that simple. The court system in this country is overtaxed and over burned to by civil lawsuits. Our medical costs are outrageous because every time someone isn’t miraculously cured by a doctor, they get sued. We all know about the woman that won millions of dollars because she was too stupid to drink coffee. I could probably win a lawsuit against KFC because eating fried chicken has left me a giant fatty. These things drag down our legal system and cost our government millions of dollars a year.

But what about the legitimate civil cases.

There are some legitimate law suits. There are times when doctors do make some serious mistakes, and they should be held accountable. There are times after a traffic accident that an insurance company doesn’t want to pay out. These situations have their appropriate place in another court. Criminal Court. If a doctor messes you up bad enough that you feel he should be punished for his actions, you should be able to press criminal charges. If your insurance company is screwing you over, then it goes into business litigation with an arbiter instead of a civil trial.

The civil court was put in place to settle disputes between civilians in a fair and unbiased way. What it has become is a place where anyone can attack a corporation. The concept of civil disputes has become a bit of a running gag with a shining paycheck in the United States. We’ve even already replaced our small claim civil cases with no less than 10 different television shows. Why not go a little farther and just replace all civil courts with half hour sessions with an arbiter. Each side gets 10 minutes to plead their case and then the arbiter looks over the evidence for another 10 minutes and decides one way or the other. Boom. Streamlined the system and saved the government millions of dollars right there.

Anything that goes beyond a small claims court probably is bordering on criminal behavior anyway. If a criminal trial finds someone guilty, then it should come with a reparations claim for the victim. Your doctor caused you to be paralyzed by leaving a scalpel in your spine. He goes to jail for being criminally negligent, you get some money to help you deal buy a new wheel chair and a robot penis. Famous Athlete allegedly kills your daughter and is found not guilty in a fair trial. You shouldn’t get all of his money for the rest of his life. Seems pretty straightforward and simple to me.

Frivolous lawsuits are killing America, and we need to bring them to an end.