The Impossible Bucket List – Because I’m Cooler Than Reality Allows

This morning I was struck with a sudden and brilliant moment of inspiration. It was filled with clarity, genius and insight. I coddled it in my brain-arms and breathed into it deeply of my imagination and wit, coalescing it into a force of raw, unadulterated wisdom that must have come directly from the Divine Almighty. But then my dog was all, “I need to go potty, NOA!” and I forgot what I was thinking about. Fortunately, once the sleepy morning grog began to wear off, I came across today’s blog post over at Life Without Pants and was struck by a whole new genius thought. 

They should make Peanut Butter cups with Apple Butter in them, too.

Actually, that was a re-occurrence of an idea I’d had last night while watching Master Chef, but it was a really good idea, so I let it get a double play. Then, I actually read Matt Chevont’s article and decided that, logically, his question of “What if today you did what you thought was impossible,” must be a literal one. Otherwise I’d never have any idea what he was talking about. I mean, how am I suppose to come up with something genius or clever.

Also, I’m not quite right in the head and I believe that if I want it bad enough that Jackie Chan will fly down from the sky and bring me a magic hoagie that once consumed will give me super ninja powers. That makes “impossible” a pretty damned big stretch for me. Still, if I go with my own personal aspirations and the definition of “impossible” that the common man uses, I can probably think of some cool things that should be on everyone’s Impossible Bucket List.

41 Things to Do Before I die, but won’t because Reality is a Whore

It is very important that I clarify the rules. There are 3 of them:

  1. Nothing can go on the list if it is theoretically possible for us to do it in the next 5 years… i.e. Laser Eyes and Man-Gills.
  2. Physics is a lie perpetuated by a conspiracy to make the universe less awesome, and therefore, must be ignored at all costs.
  3. Rules are stupid and only apply to people that can’t to do the impossible anyway.

So, now that you know the score, lets rock the casba, so to speak.

  1. Fly like a super hero.
  2. Generate Energy Swords from my Hands and Fight an Army of Demon Robots.
  3. Travel back in time and draw mustaches and goatees on all of the cave pantings to really mess with archeologists.
  4. Uninvent spray on Tans.
  5. Spend 37 minutes inside of Tom Cruise’s head. I feel this would be more than enough time to understand.
  6. Make sure that Johnny 5 is alive.
  7. Buy Santa lunch.
  8. Ride a dinosaur across the desert in pursuit of the elusive sand-yeti.
  9. Live my life as a musical for 24 hours, randomly bursting into song and detailed choreography with everyone around me.
  10.    Two Words: Penguin Surfing.
  11.   Bring back Friendster!
  12.   Prevent Firefly from ever having been canceled.
  13.    In addition, if this did not do it on it’s own, I would ###SPOILERS###, and then kick Joss Whedon in the head for thinking about it.
  14.   Pet Cthulu for EVERYONE!
  15.   Clone myself 1000 times and force them to fight to death in THE ARENA… duh duh duh…
  16.    Convince the President to say, “Over 9000” on National Television!
  17.    Rocket Cats… everywhere.
  18.    MIND BULLETS!
  19.    Spell the word “Falafel” without having to look it up on Google.
  20.    Green light a Sequel to “Surf Ninjas.”
  21.    Fist fight The Sharktopus.
  22.    Storm a Castle, slaying thousands of mutant turtles, only to be told by a mushroom man that the princess is not there, man.
  23.    Kick Glenn Beck in the nuts hard enough to launch him into orbit… Twice.
  24.    Remove the ability for people to show up in pictures when they make duckface.
  25.    Buy Rambo a puppy, and just be like, “It’s okay man, the war is over, this little guy just wants to cuddle.”
  26.    Build a flying city and declare it neutral territory in the war against bacteria.
  27.    While sitting behind the wheel of a flying DeLorean, lower my sunglasses and announce, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
  28.    Be the Pumpkin King!
  29.    Replace a random person’s leg with TV’s Patrick Duffy.
  30.    Create a cow that has the same powers as Thor’s goats. Also, a chicken and pig. Mmmm… immortal meats…
  31.    Get a mule and a gorilla to breed the true race of Donkey Kongs.
  32.    Restore the Dodo Bird to life so that we can all laugh at them as they die off again from their own stupidity.
  33.    Replace the Evil Dayball with a more friendly and less murderous star.
  34.    Unsee that which cannot be unseen
  35.    Build an army of Jedi Squirrels to combat the Sith Kittens.
  36.    Create something more culturally significant than the Pizza Roll Cannon.
  37.    Cure Stupid
  38.    Magic Barbecue Grill…. Just saying.
  39.    Catch a fish…
  40.    Convince everyone that Speaks English to get together and come to a complete consensus on the proper pronunciation of every word, then never have anything mispronounced ever again!
  41.     Convert everyone to °K, and the rest of the SI, actually.

There you go, that should get everyone’s imaginations and anti-reality fields buzzing. Feel free to drop some comments adding to the list.

There Is a Word for When You Stop Growing…

So, there is an NPR article floating around the twitterverse today. It’s all about how important your 20s are to the rest of your life. The entire article quotes all kinds of statistics, and is and of itself, inherently wrong in every possible context of the word. Of course, we all already know this. We all have floating around in the back of our minds this brilliant understanding that no matter what we’re doing at the moment, we could conceivably do something else entirely at any point. Basically, we all know that we have options, no matter how old we are. Still, articles like this have a certain, powerful sway over people because as much as we know that we can always change directions, we are completely terrified to do so.

Society Benefits from You Being a Coward

Let’s face it. Our entire social structure is built around the idea that you are going to decide what you want to be at age 18 and then spend the next 47 years of your life either working towards becoming that or doing that. We also rely on roughly 90% of people giving up on the big dreams of being successful and wealthy and going for the small easy to obtain goal of being average… which in the modern context means almost able to survive if you work two full time, dead end jobs.

We need the vast majority to suck, or else there is no top. That’s the secret, magical power that the top 1% has over the rest of us. Our entire culture, indeed our very genetics, are built on the idea that some of us are more awesome than others, and thus we create barriers and roadblocks to stop anyone but the select few from jumping into the heights of awesomeness. Some of these roadblocks are much more powerful than others, it’s much easier to go from upper middle class to lower upper class than to go from poverty stricken to middle class, for example, but they’re all real.

The idea that you have a 10 year window (only 1/8th of the Average American lifespan) to decide where you’re going to be in life is one of those barriers. Like most things that keep society structured, this is a bold faced lie.

Seth Godin and The Dip

It’s pretty amazing timing to me that this topic comes up so soon after I read Seth Godin’s awesome book, The Dip. The Dip is a neat little book that talks all about the road blocks that are put in place to maintain the scarcity of success and keep the people who aren’t really meant to be as awesome as me from succeeding. If you haven’t read it yet, you should be reading it right now, it might just help you understand how to get what you want in life and how to not get stuck sitting in a cubicle doing something you don’t enjoy for 40 years and then dying of asbestos poisoning. Basically, it’s a book about quitting stupid crap and sticking with awesome crap even when it gets so hard that you think you’re going to explode, because right before it crushes you into powder is when you reach the top of the hill and suddenly realize you’re a God King.

I’m paraphrasing.

Seriously, read the damn book.

The Bottom Line about Age

Here’s the bottom line: You only stop growing when you die.

Flat out, that’s that. You don’t stop changing and evolving until you die. The idea that you have to spend 1/8th of your life determining the next 50 years is stupid. It’s a dinosaur belief hanging around from 80 years ago when people only lived to be 60 and your life was half over by the time you hit 30. The cold hard facts are that you never have to stop striving for what you want in life. You shouldn’t stop looking to make your life better, or the lives of your family and your community better.

There are a ton of great people that didn’t even get started until they were already in their 30s or later.

I mean, even Jesus was 30 when he gave up on the whole Carpenter thing and decided to follow the “Son of God” Career path, and he had divinity in his DNA. If he didn’t know what he was going to do with his life until age 30, what makes you think you’re so special?


If that’s not enough of a convincing argument, here are a couple of links to some further reading on people that didn’t let a little thing like “Conventional Wisdom” get in the way of being Awesome:

10 Famous Accomplishments Made Later in Life

50 Famous People who Failed at First

Never let a little thing like “age” stop you from being the most awesome person on the planet. I don’t. Hell, some people didn’t even let a little thing like being DEAD stop them from becoming super cool.

Of course, I don’t actually plan to die, so it’s not like, a big deal here.