This morning I was struck with a sudden and brilliant moment of inspiration. It was filled with clarity, genius and insight. I coddled it in my brain-arms and breathed into it deeply of my imagination and wit, coalescing it into a force of raw, unadulterated wisdom that must have come directly from the Divine Almighty. But then my dog was all, “I need to go potty, NOA!” and I forgot what I was thinking about. Fortunately, once the sleepy morning grog began to wear off, I came across today’s blog post over at Life Without Pants and was struck by a whole new genius thought.
They should make Peanut Butter cups with Apple Butter in them, too.
Actually, that was a re-occurrence of an idea I’d had last night while watching Master Chef, but it was a really good idea, so I let it get a double play. Then, I actually read Matt Chevont’s article and decided that, logically, his question of “What if today you did what you thought was impossible,” must be a literal one. Otherwise I’d never have any idea what he was talking about. I mean, how am I suppose to come up with something genius or clever.
Also, I’m not quite right in the head and I believe that if I want it bad enough that Jackie Chan will fly down from the sky and bring me a magic hoagie that once consumed will give me super ninja powers. That makes “impossible” a pretty damned big stretch for me. Still, if I go with my own personal aspirations and the definition of “impossible” that the common man uses, I can probably think of some cool things that should be on everyone’s Impossible Bucket List.
41 Things to Do Before I die, but won’t because Reality is a Whore
It is very important that I clarify the rules. There are 3 of them:
- Nothing can go on the list if it is theoretically possible for us to do it in the next 5 years… i.e. Laser Eyes and Man-Gills.
- Physics is a lie perpetuated by a conspiracy to make the universe less awesome, and therefore, must be ignored at all costs.
- Rules are stupid and only apply to people that can’t to do the impossible anyway.
So, now that you know the score, lets rock the casba, so to speak.
- Fly like a super hero.
- Generate Energy Swords from my Hands and Fight an Army of Demon Robots.
- Travel back in time and draw mustaches and goatees on all of the cave pantings to really mess with archeologists.
- Uninvent spray on Tans.
- Spend 37 minutes inside of Tom Cruise’s head. I feel this would be more than enough time to understand.
- Make sure that Johnny 5 is alive.
- Buy Santa lunch.
- Ride a dinosaur across the desert in pursuit of the elusive sand-yeti.
- Live my life as a musical for 24 hours, randomly bursting into song and detailed choreography with everyone around me.
- Two Words: Penguin Surfing.
- Bring back Friendster!
- Prevent Firefly from ever having been canceled.
- In addition, if this did not do it on it’s own, I would ###SPOILERS###, and then kick Joss Whedon in the head for thinking about it.
- Pet Cthulu for EVERYONE!
- Clone myself 1000 times and force them to fight to death in THE ARENA… duh duh duh…
- Convince the President to say, “Over 9000” on National Television!
- Rocket Cats… everywhere.
- MIND BULLETS!
- Spell the word “Falafel” without having to look it up on Google.
- Green light a Sequel to “Surf Ninjas.”
- Fist fight The Sharktopus.
- Storm a Castle, slaying thousands of mutant turtles, only to be told by a mushroom man that the princess is not there, man.
- Kick Glenn Beck in the nuts hard enough to launch him into orbit… Twice.
- Remove the ability for people to show up in pictures when they make duckface.
- Buy Rambo a puppy, and just be like, “It’s okay man, the war is over, this little guy just wants to cuddle.”
- Build a flying city and declare it neutral territory in the war against bacteria.
- While sitting behind the wheel of a flying DeLorean, lower my sunglasses and announce, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
- Be the Pumpkin King!
- Replace a random person’s leg with TV’s Patrick Duffy.
- Create a cow that has the same powers as Thor’s goats. Also, a chicken and pig. Mmmm… immortal meats…
- Get a mule and a gorilla to breed the true race of Donkey Kongs.
- Restore the Dodo Bird to life so that we can all laugh at them as they die off again from their own stupidity.
- Replace the Evil Dayball with a more friendly and less murderous star.
- Unsee that which cannot be unseen…
- Build an army of Jedi Squirrels to combat the Sith Kittens.
- Create something more culturally significant than the Pizza Roll Cannon.
- Cure Stupid
- Magic Barbecue Grill…. Just saying.
- Catch a fish…
- Convince everyone that Speaks English to get together and come to a complete consensus on the proper pronunciation of every word, then never have anything mispronounced ever again!
- Convert everyone to °K, and the rest of the SI, actually.
There you go, that should get everyone’s imaginations and anti-reality fields buzzing. Feel free to drop some comments adding to the list.