So, I’ve been pretty lazy lately, and it’s starting to eat away at me a bit. I’m not sure how to go about getting over this slump, but I really have to do something different than what I’ve been doing. I think I’ve come to one of those cross roads where you have to examine everything and make a decision on which path you’re meant to be walking. The problem is, that life is way more complicated than I really want it to be, and yet, it’s simpler than it has been for years. The truth is that I’m just not that great at making decisions. Actually, I pretty much suck at it all the time.
I don’t know if you’re here to read about the existential quandary of my soul, but that’s pretty much what I have to share with you these days.
I’m stuck in that same rock and hard place that everyone finds themselves in sooner or later. I guess I’m having my midlife crisis already, or perhaps it’s another quarter-life crisis. I can’t really be sure. I suppose there are those out there that say we have until December to live out and enjoy ourselves, so maybe it’s an end-of-life crisis.
Maybe I should look at it like that. I mean, I could get my face eaten by a bath salt zombie tomorrow. I sure hope not… that’s not a very dignified way to die. If I’m going out being eaten by zombies, they had better at least be real zombies.
Here’s the thing, I’m really bad at my job. I mean, like, if I were my boss, I’d probably fire me, and then replace me with a poo-flinging monkey. Trust me when I say, I’m 93% sure it would be a step up. Now, I’m not my boss. My boss doesn’t fire people, ever. It is incredibly detrimental to his business, but that’s how he is. So, I just keep going into work feeling a bit more guilty about how much I suck at my job. I’m not good at sucking at things, it’s why I don’t play first-person-shooters or run marathons. I suck almost as bad at both of those things as I do at my job. So, I really do go into work everyday with the intention of being better than the day before, but the truth is, I’m just not built for what I do. My brain isn’t really wired for it…. literally. I work with a lot of numbers, and I don’t do well with numbers. This has been a curse for me my entire adult life because I really only have one practical skill, and that’s an incredibly fast typing speed. Unfortunately, that generally means doing data entry, and that is inevitably numbers. The worst part is that I know that everyone I work with is completely aware of my nigh-incompetence. It’s a very… depressing environment to work in.
Still, it’s not like I could just quit my job and become a beach bum or something. Responsibility pretty much has me in a straight jacket. I find that it is both comforting and disheartening to be in this situation. It’s like I could just float along though life and be fine, but I also know that I’m never going to be anything more than just that: The guy that floats through life.
I’ve spent most of my life just waiting for a sign or moment to do something different than drift. As I’m pushing in on my 29th birthday, with 30 just around the bend, I’m beginning to realize that those moments don’t just pop up. Life is not a coming-of-age comedy. It’s a series of remote, dramatic moments pushed apart by years of boring tedium.
What I’m saying is, I’ve been waiting for this giant denouement but I’m still stuck in the montage.