Blog, Deep Archives

Guest Post – Streetlight’s Imagination

bettertohopeOne of my favorite blogging friend’s, M.A. Brotherton, issued out an invitation to guest blog for his site.  I am happy to do so for him because I respect his writing talent a great deal.  I also am in awe of his drawing abilities, which he calls his “doodles”.  I hope you all will take a moment and check it all out.  He’s amazing.  Matt wants us to consider:  “Why, oh why, do I do this to myself?”

Clearly, as I am human, there are many things I can beat myself up over in answering this question.  Why do I complain about my weight yet do nothing about it?  Why do I start projects around the house but never finish them?  Why this, or why that?  I could probably begin a whole new blog series just on all that I do to myself.  And yet, as I try to focus on one I find myself falling back on the same theme.

I have been relentlessly pushed down in the last three to four years.  I have been the woman who has been told her integrity is worthless and that her humanity was lacking.  I was the woman people gossiped about behind her back but was welcomed with open arms by the very vipers who spread rumors about her.  I was the woman who a small minority of people feared because she symbolized changed and questioned conformity.  The woman who didn’t fit in?  That was me.  I was the one who was told she wasn’t trustworthy and who was perpetually betrayed by those she should have been able to trust.  The last four years should have formed me into a bitter and caustic woman.  I should have come out of the oven over-cooked with distrust and a charred heart.  When the sun set, should have my heart.

And yet, every morning I would wake up and wash the disgust off my face and reapply hope.  I’d get dressed in my clothes with battle gear underneath.  I’d leave for the day with my head up high and ask myself in the rear view mirror, “Why do I do this to myself?” Why do I relentlessly keep trying to find any good?  Why do I refuse to give in to the darkness that wants to creep inside me?  Why do I allow myself to hear people whispering while I show them that I don’t care what they say? Why do I do this to myself?

It was a daunting question and one that has many answers, some disjointed and some consistent.  I couldn’t allow myself to believe that the faith I had in humanity was wrong.  I wouldn’t believe it.  I couldn’t give in to the temptation of pajamas, elastic waistbands, and my bed and think that this would solve my problems.  Somewhere inside me, I knew I was another kind of woman.  I was also the woman who didn’t care what other people thought or said.  In the shadows, the real woman in me was waiting for her time to show that I stood by the truth, and it didn’t matter what other people thought about it.  The woman who wouldn’t back down because a few people didn’t like the truth? That is also me.  And finally, I am a woman who is also a mother.  My son still saw me volunteer with PTA, he watched me interact in the community, he saw me model kindness and turning-the-other-cheek.  He saw a woman who maintained her faith even if she didn’t understand why all the time.  I needed to be a mother who showed her son that even when the world is falling apart, his mother would not. This is why I did what I was doing.

It was dark times, those days that are past.  Exhausting times.  Days are brighter now and people have moved on to other gossip, as I knew they would once they realized they wouldn’t provoke a reaction out of me.  My son is happily playing at the moment while the baby is sleeping.  He is playing with a neighbor kid and they’re using their slingshots.  Even now, my son said, “Oh yeah, well I bet my mom could do it!”

I bet I probably could, too.

 

Be sure to head over and check out Streelights Imagination and read all of her amazing writing. You owe it to yourself. (Also, follow her on twitter and like her on Facebook.)

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.

16 thoughts on “Guest Post – Streetlight’s Imagination”

  1. Brandee Baltzell says:

    What an inspiring message.  In this time of such divided ideologies and such heated discourse, the idea that we can and should continue to look for the good in people, starting with ourselves is one we should all embrace.

    1. ***C*** says:

      Thank you so much Brandee; I appreciate you tremendously.

  2. jo miller says:

    You are an inspiration  ~  You are love, you show by example strength, courage and an appreciation of the importance of continuing to care, despite the odds.  Family is your cornerstone ~  it helps us to want to do better.
    We love your big heart, your compassion and your magical use of words.  You offer us your honesty, truth and respect for life.
    Christine, thank you for you and for what you do.  this is huge.  You rise above, even if it takes all you have to move forward.  This is a shining example of love.  What a luminous star you are.
    We have learned about forgiveness, taking back your power, and letting go with intent.
    I celebrate and give thanks for you.
    and your wonderful sense of humour and remaining open provides an extra gift of the wow factor.
    Quite simply, we love you, and will always support you.  I am grateful for your friendship. This is valued and respected.
    xoxo   jo 

    1. ***C*** says:

      Jo! I only hope I can live up to half of what you say of me. I am grateful for your friendship as well.

  3. Mark says:

    I’d bet big bank you could…

    1. ***C*** says:

      I have no doubt, Mark :p

  4. Lady *S* of Glitter says:

    How I love my fire branded Cristina and lil bro, Matt.

    1. ***C*** says:

      Love you, too!

  5. Jason says:

    You’re all the better for it too, strength isn’t afforded us all, and the ones that have it should hold it high and dare anyone to take it. Which is what you have done, good job. 

    1. ***C*** says:

      Thanks, Jason. It’s true that strength is something that shouldn’t be taken for granted. I’ve learned to cherish mine.

  6. Tracy Mangold says:

    I can’t imagine anything holding you down or holding you back. You have so much tenacity, love and a fire that burns hot within that you are capable of anything you set your mind to. You are indeed an inspiration. I’m so glad to call you friend.

    1. ***C*** says:

      Tracy, you too, have been an inspiration to me. Thank you.

  7. d smith kaich jones says:

    “i would . . . reapply hope.”  man.  perfect.  i’m gonna write that on my bathroom mirror.  reapply hope.  thank you.

    1. ***C*** says:

      No, thank you. For this and more.

  8. Mrsmediocrity says:

    I’m certain of it. I’ve never doubted you for a second.

    1. ***C*** says:

      You never doubt me, even when I doubt myself.  That’s the best kind of friendship!

Comments are closed.