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The Serious Consideration of Starting Over

“Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah”

-Leonard Cohen, Halleluja

I have a strange relationship with music. It’s infectious to me, almost controlling. I don’t purposely let it get to me like that, it just does. I can’t help it. There is something about certain songs that either triggers and emotional response or a serious memory. It’s so engrained in me that the opposite is also true. The emotions, the memories, they also trigger the song to pop up inside my head.

It’s been useful to me in the past because I can use music to elevate my mood, but I find these days that it spends much more time swinging the other way. My mood dictates the music I am craving. I think it’s pretty obvious from the last few weeks of the blog that my mood hasn’t exactly been the highest and most cheerful, either. I’ve been fighting it by listening to some seriously upbeat music that is impossible to be sad to.

You know, No More Kings, Lonely Islands, MC Lars, you know, people that rock in a way that is supposed to leave you either uplifted or broken from shear laughter. In times past, this would have been enough. It’s a distraction from what’s bothering me.

But it isn’t so much that any one thing is bothering me. It’s more like my soul is wounded and angry and needing me to desperately change something about how I simply look at the world, otherwise it’s going to keep on kicking me in the heart until I can’t keep going.

It’s probably got a point.

“I’m walking down the linelonelyman
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone”

                                                                 -Greenday, Boulevard of Broken Dreams

 

I think I might need to start over. I might need to head back to the beginning of all of this and figure out exactly what it is I’m looking for in life. I might need to take a journey to the beginning of me and really figure out why I’m so damned unhappy all of the time.

Maybe I need a blank slate.

I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Just burning away all of the memories of the past.

What do you guys thing, readers?

 

Do I cut my losses and float away, or is it better to build up the history like a ladder and climb to the farthest reaches of the sky?

 

I don’t really know, to be honest.

 

What I do know is that there is an answer out there somewhere, and I will find it.

I will make it my bitch.

I will force it to make me waffles.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.

8 thoughts on “The Serious Consideration of Starting Over”

  1. Stereo.* says:

    I think you might just need to take a break. Book some vacation days and run away for a little while and do some of the things you love doing most. A few responsibility-free days can do the world of good. We’ll be here when you get back.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      You might be right. The problem is, I think the thing I love to do more than anything else is whine about being a loser on the internet. Not very helpful though. I could definitely use a vacation. My last few weeks have been pretty damned stressful. 

  2. amanda says:

    It’s pretty impossible to burn away memories of the past- so I say, build up the history and climb, climb, climb. (“climb” is weird word. It looks funny.)

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      It’s not impossible, but I’m not a big fan of irreparable brain damage…. I guess I will have to climb above the noise and confusion. Sorry, Wayward Son is stuck in my head this morning.

      Also, English in general is a weird language. Our words are stupid at times. We should all work together to universally fix English! 

  3. Lady *S* of Glitter says:

    Sometimes you and your blog need a vacation to sort things out. Or sometimes you need to have one of those dreadful ‘state of the union’ talks with each other. Because writing is one of those relationships that needs that.  Sometimes my writing and I stare each other down malevolently, sometimes, I have a cup of tea, and just sigh as we do our own thing for the day. I have stopped projects, not necessarily canned them,m but when we weren’t growing or going anymore, we stopped, and I went on. Others I let rest until I can plug away again.  I do say that Stereo makes sense- vacations can do wonders.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I think I need to kick it in the head and tell it to behave. My brain doesn’t have room for two of us!

  4. Inkytwig says:

    I feel the same about music. I have to have just the right songs to fit my mood. I don’t think you are alone in your feeling, Matt. This year has been off to a crappy start for many of us. Take a break. We aren’t going anywhere. If you need us, we are here. If you don’t, well, we are still here. You’ll figure it all out. You WILL!

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      Yes, this year has been super crappy. I think it’s making strategic, targeted assaults on my psyche. It’s okay though. I made a special hat to protect myself from the crazy waves.

      It’ll all be fine. It’ll all be fiiiiine.

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