Starting Over in 2012: The Lament of a Giant Fatty

Okay, this time last year, I was full of hope and change. I had these big plans to not be a fat kid anymore. They didn’t last too terribly long, of course. I am at FatMattNowheart a very, very fat guy. I mean really, I kind of enjoy being a fat guy.


I can’t keep being a fat guy anymore. It’s killing me, and I hate that I worked hard all year, and even lost 35 pounds, only to gain almost all of it back since Halloween, most of it in the last few weeks. I feel worse than I ever have before. I will not be beaten by my own stupid body. Doughy and round though it might be.

I’m tired of getting out of breath from eating.

That’s how fat I am. I get out of breath while eating.

It’s a horrible situation to be in.

This time last year, I had set 3 goals. All of them seemed so easy to achieve, and all of them have been cast aside like corn in my kitchen. I don’t eat corn… I have reason to believe that it is an alien parasite that uses your body chemistry to rebuild itself, and as we all know it has Zero nutritional value and destroys the environment1. So, here I sit, January of 2012, back at square one, and with no real idea exactly what it is I’m going to do to get better. Well, I have a vague idea.




BLAM! I’m going to get superhero buff.

Oh, and probably grow some sort of magic pony-tail. I haven’t figured that part out yet.

What I do know is that I have a goal now, five of them actually, each is a weight milestone, and when I reach each one, I’m going to reward myself with something awesome.

I don’t know for sure what I’m going to reward myself with, so if you have any suggestions, I’d love to hear them.

Also, if you have any suggestions on exercises a morbidly obese dude can do, or recipes that taste like fried chicken but are as healthy as salad, I’d love to hear about them in the comments below.

If not, just knowing that I now have an entire Internet worth of people who will ask me daily, “Have you swung your kettlebells yet?”


1- Corns Nutritional Value is a Lie, perpetuated by the Great Corn Conspiracy. Tequila used to know the truth, but Corn has slowly eliminated it. You have to believe me, I’m on your side… I am… I promise.

14 thoughts on “Starting Over in 2012: The Lament of a Giant Fatty

  1. Leslie says:

    Also. 3 Nice Things. EVERYDAY. 3 Nice Things. Tell the mean voice to shut up and tell it its wrong with 3 nice things.

    1. I will try to remember that, but it isn’t always easy.

      Thanks, though, it’s good advice.

  2. Stereo.* says:

    I FEEL your pain my red-haired friend, trust me I do. I set these goals every damn year and then try not to hate myself too much when I fail but I stand with you when it comes to shedding of the excess this year. I will spur you on and hope that you will do the same for me.

    1. We can’t let it stop us, though! This is our year, the year in which we make the entire world our bitch, including ourselves!

  3. Meredith says:

    I invite you to join me in cultivating yourself. I’m also planning to cultivate better eating habits, better exercise habits, and a small size. I’d prefer to take up less space than I currently do. You can definitely tailor the Cultivate 2012 project to suit your needs. Also, expect me to be sharing Foodie Friday posts that have healthy, tasty food as the year goes on. Weight loss shouldn’t mean we have to give up decent food (or switch to overly processed artificial garbage). My first recipe recommendation? Buy a whole chicken, season that bad boy up with tons of spices and only a teeny, tiny bit of salt, drizzle it lightly with olive oil, roast it in the oven, and eat it with some mashed sweet potatoes and steamed veggies. That chicken will stretch into several meals, and then you can turn the carcass into a delicious, healthy broth. Who needs that junk in a can when you can make it healthier and cheaper at home? And those mashed sweet potatoes are simple, too. Wash, stab with a fork (insert evil laughter while doing so to burn some calories), bake in the oven with the chicken, peel (use caution — steaming hot potatoes hunger for human flesh), and mash with a masher, in a blender, or in a food processor. No additions are necessary as the sweet potato is tasty all on its own. And if you’re super brave, don’t bother peeling it. Extra vitamins and minerals! Personally, that’s going to be a common meal around here pretty soon when I experiment with a gluten free lifestyle.

    1. I think 2012 is definitely a year all about finally cutting through the crap and doing the stuff that I’ve been putting off for far too long. I’m excited that it seems like everyone is feeling that way, too!

  4. Tracy Mangold says:

    Matt, this is what I’m working on myself – “The goal is to keep the goal the goal.”-Dan JohnWe need to keep the goal in sight and focus. You can do it. You can and you will! Never lose sight of the goal. I’m telling you this just as much as I’m reminding myself. Oh and get swinging those kettlebells, dude!

    1. This is my ultimate goal, right here:

  5. Laura W. says:

    *Cheer!* You can do it, you have a whole year! A friend of mine (a chef) had the same problem. He started walking every day, drank nothing but water for 2 straight weeks, and then drank only green tea. Must be working for him, because he’s lost a lot of the weight.

    1. I honestly believe that if I go back to drinking the amount of water I used to that I should drop 10-15 pounds very quickly. The rest is all hard work and exercise. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food, and it’s going to be tough to overcome that, but I’m not going to quit. My older brother has even challenged me to announce my current weight every Wednesday on twitter, just for added accountability.

      It’s like our own version of Biggest Looser.

  6. First of all, know that I, for one, am 100% behind you in your desire to get healthy.  I made the same commitment last year.  I haven’t really lost much weight, but I am so much stronger and I’m in better shape than I’ve been in maybe 15 years.  I’m using derby as my motivation to get my butt into the gym.  I really can’t compete with girls half my age if I’m twice their size, you know?  I don’t see myself as heavy in my mind.  Unfortunately, the mirror, the scale, my blood pressure and my clothes all tell a different story.

    So, hang in there.  We can sort of do this together.  You’re too cool a friend to not have around for a very long time. 

    1. Part of my problem, I think, is that I have no clear cut goal in mind other than to “be healthy.” I’ve set some weight milestone goals, but they’re pretty arbitrary. At least I’ll have some accountability by keeping track of my weight loss online and letting everyone know what I am I doing. Still, weight loss is hard, and most people who aren’t suffering from being obese don’t seem to understand that. People like Jillan Micheals. who have personal image problems and take them out on other people, don’t help matters much.  It isn’t as simple as treating the body. There are serious genetic and psychological issues that have to be addressed. I’m working on the latter, you can’t do much about the former.

      Shows like “The Biggest Loser” make me realize how damaged our culture is. We poison ourselves into being fat, with food that is as addictive as heroine, then torture ourselves, and those around us, for being above a physically unhealthy percentage of body fat. 

      I know I’m in bad shape, I need to be in better shape, have more stamina and things like that.

      What bothers me is that I hate myself for being fat, and always have, even when everyone around me thought I looked like a skeleton because I was popping 10-15 diet pills a day.

      There are bigger issues here, and someone needs to really address them.

      Instead, we’re giving a fake Psychologist like Doctor Phil, and a self-hating bitch-queen former-fatty like Jillian Micheals.

      Sorry, I have no idea what brought that rant on, but it feels good to get it out. 

      1. Brandee says:

        I really think that we all have issues. We have become so accustomed to instant gratification that when we don’t see immediate results, it’s too hard to quit. I still have moments of dread, thinking that I’d much rather sit, watch tv & eat ice cream, rather than go do something that I know is going to hurt in the short term.

        People keep saying it gets easier, but I haven’t seem that part yet.

        1. I hurt all the time these days. I think it’s a marker that I need this more than I thought.

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