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Keep the Kids Safe – Ban Hazardous Materials like Sunscreen

The world is a dangerous, horrible place. It is literally filled with an unimaginably high number of things that want nothing but death and destruction for humanity. Our survival as a species depends on our ability to identify and eliminate every possible threat. We cannot afford to be destroyed by our most dangerous enemies and we have an obligation to protect our young people. This is why, I for one support the ban on Sunscreen that so many schools have pushed through in recent years.

Sunscreen is an evil conspiracy, created by our Corporate Overlords for the sole purpose of making us think that it okay to go out in the sun! We cover ourselves in a layer of greasy, smelly goop and believe that we can then be protected from the damaging rays of the giant, hate mongering demon in the sky we refer to as, “The Sun.” Let me tell you this: No amount of sunscreen can properly protect you from the ravages of the Day Ball. It will burn your flesh until your skin peels off tiny sheets, and then when you are least expecting it, BOOM, extensive melanomas!

Sunscreen can be even more sinister than that, apparently. Going beyond it’s mere corruption of our youth into the evil realm of sun worship, it also has an extremely rare and dangerously adverse effect: 1% of all people could develop an allergy to it! YES! 1 in 100 people HAS THE POTENTIAL TO DEVELOP AN ALLERGY TO SUNSCREEN. A dangerous allergy, one that causes them to break out with pimples.

You see, this is clearly a reason for us to ban them from use in our schools. We could be potentially exposing 1 in 100 kids to the development of an allergy that will give them a mild rash! These numbers are clearly unacceptable to me. The dangers simply are not worth it.

Of course, Sunscreen is just the tip of the iceberg. The world of potentially annoying allergies is huge, and we have to be ever vigilant to protect our children and young people from exposure to these potentially irritating substances!

If we want to truly protect everyone in our schools from mild to moderate skin irritation, we’re going to have to eliminate everything we know can potentially cause an allergic reaction in our students, like anything made from Trees, Plastic, Nickel or Water, all of which are just as common and generally much more dangerous than sunscreen, and yet, we find them in every classroom in the country!

Our kids are constantly bombarded with the threat of finding themselves exposed to significantly annoying skin irritant. This danger, if left unchecked could lead to entire schools full of teenagers with acne.

There is only one way we can save our children from this horrifying fate:

We must react quickly and decisively with extreme force and prejudice.

WHO’S WITH ME!?

LET’S BURN ALL THE #2 PENCILS!

FOR THE CHILDREN!

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.

13 thoughts on “Keep the Kids Safe – Ban Hazardous Materials like Sunscreen”

  1. Rachael says:

    You crack me up! I was surprised to learn that it is actually against the law for schools to allow sunscreen in every state except California. I guess I should be in jail, because I’ve put sunscreen on my students for our field day every year I’ve taught. However, I’ve always worried that some parent would end up getting me fired because they didn’t like the fact that I tried to protect their child from harm.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I have no doubt that 99% of all civil court cases are the product of humanities boundless ability to be both greedy and stupid.

  2. Lithium Ion Junkie says:

    Sunscreen also causes premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Sometimes both at once.

  3. Lady *S* of Glitter says:

    Why aren’t we banning backpacks? CLEARLY some kid will strangle themselves!

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      Obviously we should also ban anything with refined sugar or processed grains. We don’t want ’em to get diabetes, right?

      1. Lady *S* of Glitter says:

        And grains. Someone may have gluten intolerance and celiac disease or Hashimotos.

        1. M.A. Brotherton says:

          I’m lactose intolerant and allergic to coconut.. both of those have to go!

          1. Lady *S* of Glitter says:

            Exactly. Also lactose intolerant and can only handle red meat on a rare basis. So, really, we just feed them kiddos celery.

          2. M.A. Brotherton says:

            Nah, Celery is a leafy green, meaning it can be dangerous to people with blood conditions.

          3. Lady *S* of Glitter says:

            Zohmigawd you’re so right. We need to ban the world, really.

          4. M.A. Brotherton says:

            It’s for the children…

          5. Lady *S* of Glitter says:

            So do we blow the world up or go fight club on it. There are two pills here.

          6. M.A. Brotherton says:

            We take the red pill, see how deep the rabbit hole goes, and then we start a robot fight club to destroy the planet with a disintegration beam. Quick, and painless, right?

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