Roadmap to My Heart, A Playbook

I am easily swayed and even more easily placate. Most of my close friends now that I can be bought fairly easily, and a couple of them even keep the means to buy me over handy, in case I get too into a rant or if they just want me to shut up for a few seconds. Apparently I’m fairly easily distracted by things both shiny and delicious. If you had a cupcake with those reflective chromelike sprinkles on it, I’d pretty much be gone for a few minutes.

Placating me is easy, the hard part, though is earning my devotion and affection. My heart is pretty scarred, so it can be difficult to get me to open up enough to actually win me over. I’m not sure if sharing them with the world makes me brave for sharing things about myself or an idiot for exposing all the chinks in my armor. Either way, I’m doing it.

Start Off By Asking Me Questions

I’m an egotistical madman and I love to explain things, especially if they’re things that either A) I know a ridiculously incurable amount about, or B) something that doesn’t really have a true explanation, like why people insist that mayonnaise is actually an enjoyable condiment. Either way, you’re catering to my ego with my two biggest and least useful skills: absorbing encyclopedic knowledge of obscure topics through the magic of osmosis or talking about things long enough that people around me think I know what I’m talking about. Of course, once you get used to being around me, you’ll realize I don’t actually know anything. It’s cool. That’s my cross to bear.

Mock My Friends in a Playful and Clever Manner

I’m pretty close to the select friends that I have. If you want to worm your way into my inner circle, you’ll have to gain their acceptance also. I hang out with jerks. Typically speaking our conversations involve no less than 90% insults. This is how we roll, until we get drunk and wax poetic about how much pain and suffering we have living in the suburban middle class. You would probably consider us hipsters, and pointing that out is pretty great because we consider it an insult. Insults are good in our circle as long as they don’t cut too terribly close to home. Deep insults usually lead to deep, meaningful conversations and we’re just not comfortable with that, unless there is rum or whiskey involved.

Challenge Me To Be Better Than I am

It’s easy for people to be complacent. I get stuck in a rut pretty easily because I’m a creature of pure comfort. I hang on most tightly to the people that frustrate and confound me into making myself better. This is especially true of people who know more about things than I do. I see people as tasty repositories of knowledge. I love to learn new things and I like to keep people around me that can teach me new things. Plus, you get double points if you have a practical skill that can be utilized after the collapse of technology by the giant EMP generator we built on the moon activates.

Be Open and Honest with Me

I’m pretty tired of playing all the stupid games people want to play. I’ve been left pretty jagged and jaded by people who never really told me what they were feeling. As much as it pains me to say it, I can’t actually read your mind… yet. I like to know what people are thinking. I’m pretty good at reading people most of the time, but sometimes I blatantly ask what someone is thinking or feeling, and although I’m willing to accept “I’m not ready to talk about it,” hearing, “nothing,” drives me completely insane. Don’t do that. It triggers the part of me that thinks you’re plotting to kill me in my sleep. I don’t like being killed in my sleep.

For the Love of God, Ignore it when I Say something the wrong word but you know what I meant

I know it’s funny to the outside observer. It can almost seem like I’m a character straight out of a vaudeville act. It gets annoying though when people point it out over and over and over again. I strive to be a better person, and I’m happy to have someone support me in fixing the things that I can control, but there are things about me that I have absolutely no power over. Those are the things that make me a unique snowflake full of passion and love. Please don’t make me feel like a giant useless freak because of them.

Sometimes I can be Clingy, so Be ready to be Clung To

It’s not very often that I feel the need to be around other people, but when I do, I get pretty danged insistent on it. I become sullen as a neglected puppy dog if I don’t get the right amount of attention when I need the attention. Other times, though, you should probably be ready to be sometimes ignored. I like being clung to on occasion as well. I guess really, we all do sometimes, don’t we?

Be Lazy With Me

One of my favorite things in life is to just veg out. We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded with so much information and garbage that sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to just sit around and do nothing. I enjoy just sitting on the couch watching TV, reading the internet and petting the dog. Life is fast and angry, sometimes I want to slow down and just relax.

Get in Good with My Dog

I don’t think she’s ever met a person she didn’t like, but if she ever does, I will automatically assume them to be demonic in nature. The truth is I’ve gotten through some pretty rough times just because she’s been around to make me remember that I am relied on, even if it’s just for head scritches and kibble. When it comes down to it, given the choice between my dog and another person, I don’t have to think about it.

2 thoughts on “Roadmap to My Heart, A Playbook

  1. Canaanlilli says:

    Hey! I’m not a jerk….am I???

    1. You are the exception that proves the rule.

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