Movie Reviews Based Entirely On Trailers

There are a handful of movies coming out this weekend that some of you might be anticipating with the anxious glee of a six-year-old with a book about butterflies. There are even a couple of movies coming out this weekend that I am looking forward to seeing. It’s one of those movie launch weeks that forces me to face the discord of being both a recluse nutjob and a dedicated geek. Normally, the idea of going to a movie theater and seeing a movie fills me with a sense of quiet dread. I don’t like theaters. The seats are too small. The prices are too high. I’d much rather wait for a movie to come out on Netflix or Amazon Prime. If I’m in a real hurry to see a movie, I might even be willing to rent it through Redbox!

I can’t really afford to go to the movies, either fiscally or mentally, but I also can’t stop myself from forming blanket opinions on the topic of mass cinema. What is a person so distraught to do? Well, I suppose that one outlet for such wanton bias is to review movies based entirely on the free trailers found all over the internet.

So.. I will do that.

Man of Steel

Kevin Costner!?

The first time I saw the trailer for Man of Steel was when Yeti Detective dragged me to see John Conner in 3D. My initial reaction was very positive:

“Man, this Aquaman movie looks pretty goo… oh…”

I have to admit that after the first few seconds, it becomes much more obvious that it was a Superman movie. It becomes more obvious that it is probably going to suck horribly.

I could wax poetic about why any Superman movie is going to suck, but my judgement on this issue is decidedly damaged. I liked Superman Returns. Besides, the entire topic has been beaten to death with the same Hockey Stick of Internet Opinion as Canadian Jokes. Bringing it up again would just be kicking a dead flamingo.

I won’t be seeing Man of Steel in theaters unless someone else is paying… and driving. Even then, they’ll probably have to buy me a Coke Zero and a box of Dots. You know, a bribe for good theater behavior. To me, Superman is pretty played out. He’s old hat.

They nailed it with Smallville, so whey do they need to keep doing it over and over again?

That statement is probably more proof that I’m not a good authority on Superman movies.

Bottom Line: I’m not going to judge you for seeing Man of Steel, because, it is Superman. I will keep it in the back of my mind anytime I hear you talking about finances, though. It is proof that you like to waste money on things you’ll regret later.


The Bling Ring

I want to Rob…

No one I know talks about this movie. In fact, I haven’t heard anything about this movie. This is probably because we all know the secret truth: This movie was supposed to be a Lifetime Special of the Week but accidently got put into the “Big Budget Movie” pile.  No one can admit the mistake, so they have to push it as hard as possible.

Maybe I’m being overly harsh. Who doesn’t want to see a bunch of modern Teen Heartthrobs stalk and rob a bunch of Teen Heartthrobs from ten years ago? Then, of coruse, it’s “based on real events,” so you know, viewers might learn something.

Bottom Line: Some of you will see this movie because it has Emma Watson and you have an unhealthy obsession. I’m okay with that. Some of you will see it because it comes from Sofia Coppola, and I’ll be forced to whack you with a 15-pound tuna for your pretentions. If you claim that the trailer excites you… you might be special.


Twenty Feet From Stardom

“Trying to Make a Success of the Gift that I have.”

A documentary about backup vocalists might not seem like it would be the awesomeness that I think this movie is going to be. I’m a sucker for a good documentary, especially one about unsung (no pun intended) heroes. Sadly, it’s not a wide release film, but I’m keeping an eye on the playbill at the Screenland (Kansas City’s local indie filmhouse). I intend to check it out if I get the chance.

I will definitely watch it on Netflix when it hits. Probably at 3 AM while eating pizza rolls and sobbing lamentations about my life decisions.

Bottom Line: Good Documentaries are few and far between. This one looks pretty good and if you get a chance, you should see it. It will improve your Indie-Underground Street Cred.

2-to-1 odds that it’s a hell of a lot better than “Exit through the Gift Shop.”

This is the End

NSFW–Seriously.. Bad Language Abounds. Don’t Click This Near Children.

Of all the movies coming out this weekend, this is the one I actually plan on seeing in theaters. That is, of course, if Yeti Detective remembers that we’re supposed to see it and doesn’t flake out on me… again.

It’s a comedy about the world ending during a celebrity party. This is a movie filled with some of my favorite comedic actors doing stupid things. It looks hilarious. If it doesn’t make more money than all of the Harry Potter movies combined… Well, no one will be surprised, but it should. It looks boss.

They had me at the line, “Then Emma Watson showed up…”