So, I’ve been having a problem getting into the spirit of reverb this year. It isn’t about the prompts, they’ve been great, and the diversity of them pretty much ensures that there is always at least one that speaks to me. The problem comes from something inside myself, some part of me that isn’t willing to look back on the past anymore because it seems so selfish to continue to indulge that part of me. It feels damaging, not because it really is, but because I am intent on it being that way. When I look back on my past, it is an exercise in self-pity, and I refuse to allow myself to do that anymore. I’ve come too far to fall back on that. I’m better than that.
There is a reason I can move on from that, though, and that reason is because I have faced down that part of myself, and in the end stabbed it repeatedly with a very large, wicked knife. I did that over the course of the last year, and that’s the point of Reverb, to see how far you’ve come in the last year, and get ready to propel yourself even farther in 2012.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that, too, and what that means. I love the reverb community, and I am grateful to all of the people that have worked hard to put together prompts so that everyone would have something to write about, but I don’t think I need it anymore. I think what I really need to do is follow the spirit of Reverb. I need to reflect on the past year, and prepare for the year ahead.
So, I’ve come up with a bit of a plan.
Starting tomorrow, I’m going to spend the rest of December going back through my archives for 2011 (and including reverb10) looking for the moments when I’ve triumphed and faltered. I want to look back on them now, detached and separated from those feelings and see what I can learn from them.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the next level is, and I think I’ve come to the conclusion that this is it.
I think it’s time for this little boy to grow up, and become responsible for himself.
Otherwise, I might never make it there.