“I’m Not Ready”
Three words I’ve used a lot this year. Three words I’ve clung to as an easy excuse for avoiding letting go of the past. Three words I’ve used to avoid accepting the present. Three words I’ve used to push off the future.
One phrase that I’m striking from my vocabulary.
The truth is, I was very, very afraid of myself and my emotions for most of this year. I think that I didn’t realize how far I had grown, and how much I had put behind me. At some point, I had gotten so used to being in emotional pain, that I became a little numb to it, and forgot what it feels like without it.
When I sat down to write about the healing process, I honestly hadn’t realized yet how much better I was feeling. The act of writing it all out made me realize that I was carrying a giant chip on my shoulder for absolutely no reason at all. You see, I found out recently that my ex-wife has started dating someone, and the revelation that I had when I heard the news was something incredibly profound, I was happy for her.
That was when it hit me. I wasn’t jealous. I wasn’t hurt. I had always known intellectually, that despite the love, that our marriage had simply not worked, and we were better off as just friends. She had realized it earlier than I had, and she had been right. It wasn’t until that moment that my emotions caught up with my mind. In that moment, I finally did what I should have done long ago. I let go.
Now, I’m looking forward to the future. I’ve put a big burden behind me, and I’m moving on. Now comes the tricky part. I’ve been out of the world for about six years. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my mojo, and I’m going to have to learn to talk to people all over again.
Who am I kidding, I never had any mojo to begin with.
But, I can finally say, with a little bit of confidence:
“I am ready.”