I’m sure by now most of you have heard about Jenny Hausch, the woman that was attacked by a flying 300 pound death machine we casually refer to as “Sting Rays.” Basically, the suicide bomber of the ocean, the Stingray hurled itself up out of the water, sailing on its alien wings and smashing the woman against the deck of her boat. I’m no marine biologist, but I believe the sting ray does this as part of its natural life cycle. You see they reproduce by injecting human hosts with their larva, and a few hours to a couple of days later it will burst out of her chest and begin the cycle anew.
Despite being basically a giant, flying death blade of doom, the Stingray is actually one of the least horrifying animals in the world. On a scale of Kitten to Cthulu, the Stingray pretty much ranks in at a 2, or on the official scale is equal to a porcupine.
Nature’s still full of Monsters
Don’t get me wrong, nature is a loathsome breeding ground for the long forgotten demonic offspring of the elder ones. All of nature exists for one insidiously Darwinian reason: To create the perfect murder machine.
The only reason animals exist at all is to kill one another until, in the end, one monstrous mutation reigns supreme as the ultimate biological death device. Don’t even think about fooling yourself into believing that humans are actually in the running in the long term. We’re not even that scary. It’s taken us like half a million years to even be able to compete with some of the death dealing that the beta test phases some of natures weapons had. Let me tell you, most of those deadly monsters aren’t even in beta anymore. Most of them are pushing towards their first upgrade patch.
I know, it’s nightmare fuel all over.
The Solution – Nuke Nature
I could sit here and make list after list of the abominations that make up the animal kingdom, from the Saltwater Croc and its 30′ 2200 pounds of man eating hatred, to the Loa Loa worm‘s ability to swim into your eyeball, or the GIANT FREAKING MAN EATING SQUIDS, but really Damn Nature, You Scary already has that covered.
WARNING! DAMN NATURE, YOU SCARY IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART, WEAK OF STOMACH, OR THOSE WHO ENJOY SLEEPING WITHOUT THE ENDLESS NIGHTMARES OF THE DAMNED.
I have a solution to the problem of nature constantly trying to kill us though. It comes in the form of DAARPA’s “eater” robot. Since the dawn of time, man has been using technology to keep itself above the rest of the cold blooded killers in the food chain. We’ve never really remembered the most important part of proficient professional assassin status:
Habeas Corpus – No Corpse, No Crime.
Other animals are hip to this one governing rule of right and wrong. If you consume all of the remains, you can never be punished by God for your crimes of genocide. As fat as we are, we’re never going to actually be able to eat all of the elephants, but dang it, the E.A.T.R. can. Release a few packs of these things into the wild armed with a shot gun and a plasma cannon, and we’ll be safe from the animal kingdom in no time.
Until, then, though. I recommend doing like I do. Stay inside your home, avoid direct sunlight, and enjoy a great video game and get some Chinese delivered. Tip well, though. Deliver guys are risking their lives to bring you those Crab Rangoon.