Let’s see…. the anti-reverb prompt from deverb today is all about creating your own winter holiday. That’s probably something normal people don’t think about very often. I mean, what type of crazy person would spend large portions of time thinking about how the world should celebrate things?
…
This kind:
LET’S TALK ABOUT MATTMAS!
As far as I can tell there are three important pieces of any holiday celebration:
1) Special Holiday Foods
2) Special Holiday Clothing
3) Special Holiday Activities
Independence Day has grilled foods, patriotic outfits and explosives. Halloween has candy, costumes and a chain of government sanctioned harrasment of your nieghbors involving a combination of the two. Christmas has a plethora of chocolate, gingerbread and peppermint treats. It’s got Santa hats and ugly sweaters. Finally, it’s got so many traditions coming out it’s jolly wazoo that you can’t possibly list them all.
So, let’s get down to the business of replacing the most crap-packed day of the year with something a little more awesome.
HOLIDAY FOOD
You might be expecting me to go to a few staples here, like pizza rolls or tacos. Of course, these are everyday foods, not special treat holiday foods. So, for now, we’ll put them to the side. The special holiday food of my ultimate extravaganza is even better:
Fried Chicken.
Fried chicken is the greatest food of all foods. If you disagree with me, it’s because you have a brain abnormality that cannot be corrected by magic or medicine. Of course, you can’t have a truly great feast on fried chicken alone. No, you’ll need multiple types of chicken for that. You’ll eat your body weight in chickens of all flavors: fried, roasted, buffalo’d, cooked with noodles, shredded into a salad. If you can chicken it, it will be chickened. The day will be the greatest of holidays for humanity and shall be known to all game fowls as the darkest day of the year. It will make Thanksgiving’s turkey slaughter look like a vegan tea party.
Of course, man cannot live on meat alone. No, that would be too awesome to exist in this universe. Thus, you will have sides with your chicken.
Sides like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Milkshakes. Actually, indulgence of food will be allowed in just about any form. I’m not a picky holiday symbol. I’m a kind and benevolent symbol, like Odin. The only rule on sides shall be thus:
THOU SHALT NOT CONSUME EITHER CORN OR CAKE!
I know what you’re thinking, “But, Matt, I like cake.” Well, I’m sorry. You’ve been brainwashed into eating sugar bread. We all know that the vastly superior desert pastry is pie. Pies of all kinds will be consumed along with the bird slaughter.
CHICKEN AND PIE!
You know, that sounds like a great idea for a restaurant. Someone get on that.
HOLIDAY CLOTHING
For reasons that will become apparent in a few moments, the holiday clothing of my holiday shall be chainmail. Everyone shall wear their best chain on the high days. Chainmail and long coats… and of course, hats.
You can’t have a holiday without some sort of special hat. For my holiday there shall be two.
Pink Trilbys. Firstly, I want people to wear pink trilby fedoras. Not just pink, but really gauche pink. With a long feather in the brim. Why? Because I’m probably insane.
No, I have reasons. Though I believe the trilby to be the King of Hats, I think that there are far too many people that take them far too seriously. It’s just a freakin’ hat people. I think neon, dayglo pink hats are silly and will remind people that their hats are silly, too.
Secondly, I would like people to wear star-topped wizard hats. Again, wizard hats are silly, and it is impossible to not be silly while wearing one. Especially if they have a star at the point… and possibly floppy dog ears mounted from the sides. Everything about this appeals to me and should appeal to you.
Yeah, this is starting to sound like a pretty sweet holiday.
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS
Traditions are the trickiest part of any holiday. They’re supposed to flow organically from their ancient origins. I mean I’m sure that there is a perfectly logical explanation of how we came to celebrate a month of impossible torment from a certain religious icon with boobs. It’s logical, right?
My traditions will make just as much sense.
Firstly, the annual Battle Royale.
For the entire holiday season of Mattmas, which will begin the moment someone puts Christmas decorations on a shelf inside any retail store in the world, true Mattmasians will begin engaging in armed combat. They shall fight one another with padded weapons in one on one combat until in the end there can be only one left standing. It’s one part Highlander, one part Boffer combat, and three parts war on boring holiday shopping.
Secondly, there shall be the Day of Silent Chuckling.
In honor of the way in which I randomly think of things, chuckle and then receive stares from passer-bys like I might eat children for fun, everyone shall participate by doing the same. Further, because I think people should spend more time thinking about themselves and the world they live in and less time just spouting whatever bullshit comes to mind, it shall be a day spent entirely in silence… both physical and digital.
That’s right. 24 hours spent without talking or posting anything on Social Media.
This holiday is already looking like it will make the world a better place.
Finally, there will be the Feast of Passive-Aggressive Friendship.
Everyone will gather in their homes or the homes of their closest friends. During this time they will participate in the obvious evolution of Festivus’s Airing of Grievances. They will anonymously write whatever they want about their dearest friends on slips of paper, feast on chicken and pie, and then gather around as they read the slips aloud. Each time your name is written on a slip, you will take a shot of vodka.
Why vodka? Because plastic jug whiskey is just too terrifying and tequila causes fights.
THERE YOU HAVE IT!
The Celebration of Mattmas is ready to be celebrated. It just needs a date and a powerful, wealth-consuming, international religion to legitimize it.
I suggest December 26th, because what the crap is Boxing Day anyway?