George W. Bush, or rather Dick Cheney and his league of Demon Suits, destroyed our Economy with a giant, meaningless war.
Barrack Obama, fighting tooth and nail to get anything done in Washington with the most corrupt Congress to ever exist, has managed to make it look like it hasn’t been fixed through a series of incredibly convoluted and short sited policies designed to make you feel all warm and gooey inside.
You see, the real reason we’re all broke and unemployed is because we tried to fix things. America is a great country, full of all kinds of pseudoliberty and false hope. Its great that anyone in the United States is able to stab their way cunningly through the corporate muck and event, and through a series of wacky hijinks involving magical imaginary friends, eventually become king of America… or something like that.
In truth, the American dream was killed by the three things Glenn Beck masturbates to the idea of giving you nightmares about: Illegal Immigrants, Socialist Government Programs, and Science. Worse than all those things, they do it by combining into a MegaZord of anti-Blue collar workforce. Don’t worry, I know the solution.
In Henry Ford’s America, a person could get up, go and work his ass off, and, if he worked hard enough and long enough, get promoted from Peon to Grunt. Then if he wasn’t fulfilled with his job as Grunt, and who wouldn’t be, he could keep doing the cycle all the way up to the highest rank of the time period, which was John Wayne.
That system ruled for 30 years, then Bill Gates put a hit out on it. A contract that was fulfilled by a professional named Steve Wozniak, or at least thats how I tell it. Suddenly, we had computers, and all the wonderful porn they could bring us. After that, who would want to go smash rocks with bigger rocks for 4 ruplahs an hour?
The computer began to change the way businesses were run. Suddenly, just working harder didn’t mean you got ahead. You also had to know stuff, because to do the job above Grunt required the ability to converse with the demons inside the magic box. Now, not everyone started out as a peon, instead we all decided that we would go to college and get fancy degrees that were really only for the oligarchical elite before. The Blue Collar worker went from being the noble backbone of the American Economy to being the noble backbone of really stupid jokes. Git-er-done!
As the white collar workforce began to rise up and take the majority, and the middle class began to really swell like a nice vodkamellon, the people began to want more money than they were getting before, oh, and health insurance, and a 401k, and profit sharing. So the unions that came into existence to make sure that newsboys were able to feed themselves and buy new shoes or something like that said, “Lets demand more needless crap in the name of almighty GREED!”
Enter the illegal immigrant workforce.
The Nation was reeling with social change, and we were looking for a new group of people to exploit, so we started importing Mexican laborers, you know, because our buddies the coke dealers thought they were a great idea. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the exchange rate between the US Dollar and the Mexican Taco, but its something like 500 Tacos = 1 Dollar, so these people came to America where they heard they could earn like 50 Tacos an hour, and went to work. Since the United States government only likes to exploit people, and this whole new Civil Rights Movement was totally killing that, they made it practically impossible for these immigrants to get citizenship and, you know, legal rights under the law. What that means is, while the minimum wage you get paid has risen over the years, the immigrants are still making the same amount of tacos.
Wait, is my use of the word Taco to represent Mexican money not quite obvious enough of an allegory for slavery? I might need to come out and say it, WAGE-SLAVES.
Well, the immigrant workers were slightly better off enough to stay here, and they took whatever jobs we couldn’t convince citizens to take because they’re really shitty jobs, like shoveling manure. Slowly those jobs became a little bit more of the blue collar workforce, and pretty soon, everything that wasn’t being built by a robot, and didn’t require any real training to do was being done by an illegal, underpaid slave army workforce.
So, we had this line develop, where you could get a job if you had skill and talent, and everything below that line disappeared. That pretty much meant that everyone had a lot of free time. Since back then, if you knew how to use a computer to find porn, you could use one well enough to get a job, all those people just did what Juno has taught us people do when they’re bored… make babies.
Suddenly, we have everyone making babies, but not having jobs. What’s a well meaning government to do? Something sane and rational, like giving them condoms or promoting anal sex? NO! We’re going to GIVE THEM MONEY! Woo!
FREE MONEY FOR EVERYONE FOREVER! If we run out, we can always print more.
So we glide on the government’s free money, food and cable television for another 10 years or so, all while watching bank after bank decide that to get their hands on some of that free government money, they could trick these people out of it in what they officially call the “Sub-Prime Loan” market and what I’m pretty sure is referred to at the water cooler as the “Rape ‘Em While they’re Broke” market. Banks were happy, because they made a fuck load of money. People were happy because they were mooching clean off the government. The Government was happy because of the awesome “project investments” they were getting from the banks.
Then, along comes this douche bag called the “housing bubble” and what that is, is a really simplified way of basically saying, “George Bush Sr fucked up everything Regan started, Clinton was too busy getting his knob polished to notice, and GWB is actually a Chimpanzee-Man Hybrid, so you can’t really blame him for not seeing it, because money resembles leaves, and that’s what he uses to wipe his ass.”… I suppose a better way to say it would be, “Gubment done fucked up.”
Suddenly its 2008, and none of the banks can trick each other into buying out the “Rape ‘Em” loans, because people got wise to their jive talk and just stopped paying them, and now that they’re not getting that fat conman money, the banks aren’t so happy. They start taking people’s houses, cars and useless shit from them. That makes the citizens not happy, because, “Hey, even though I spent way beyond my means and haven’t made a payment in 3 years, its the economy’s fault I’m losing my house.” Since the banks were getting all pissy, they started complaining to their Congress friends that they needed fat kickbacks or their bonus wasn’t going to let them buy another third world country to finish their pacific rim set.
Then GWB said the worst possible thing in the world, “Um… Bank’s out of toilet paper.”
“WHAT!?” We all cried, “We’d better print some more and give it to them before the universe implodes and my dog gets herpes!”
So that’s the bailout we’re always bitching about.
Then, things get a little bit better, but right about the time Obama is ready to take office, the band-aid gets wet in the shower and instead of just not picking at it and letting it heal, the banks demanded a new band-aid, and some of that gel that makes it heal quicker because its really itchy.
Obama’s like, “Well thats not really a good idea, but here are some good ideas.”
And Congress is like, “Dude, we need the bank kickbacks, so go shove your FDR crap back into the 30s”
And Biden’s all, “What, I’m not Truman. I don’t have an unlimited number of horse heads to put in senators beds for you to control them with.”
So, basically, we get fucked again.
Now, two years have passed, and a week ago, Economists declare that the recession actually has been over for 18 months.
It still doesn’t mean shit to us, because all of our money keeps being given to save the banks that fucked us all over in the first place, presumably so they can have their immigrant laborers build them new robots.
THERE IS A SIMPLE SOLUTION TO ALL OF THIS THOUGH!
Open the border.
That seems pretty damn simple. All these people want to come here and work, make them citizens. Pay them minimum wage. Charge them taxes. That pretty much eliminates the problems of both underpay for them, and makes citizens competitive in the work force again.
The Second solution, stop telling people to go to college. Its meaningless most of the time, because these days everyone wants “experience” and doesn’t give a shit about your Art History degree, and instead of 4 years of building debt you can take an 18 month course on having a skill, like welding, or robot repair, and suddenly you have a place in the world.
Plumbing would be a good field to get into right now, it’ll be a while before you’re replaced by robots.
The Last solution, is stop panicking, and learn to say, “Fuck Rich People.” They don’t need you to worry about them, and as long as you are living within your means, however meager or extravagant that is, the shit that happens to them at the top won’t ever fuck you over at the bottom.