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Lots of hats, no real hair #Reverb10

Bowler Hats are the Kickass Duke of Fedora's Kingdom

I’m going bald.

I’m not quite there yet, but I’m starting to give Billy Crystal a challenge in the forehead department, and I can actually watch my hair thinning in the mirror. Its not really something that bothers me too much. I used to joke that I would just let my hair keep growing, and be one of those guys with a chrome dome and a pony tail. Then if anyone asked, I’d just say I pulled my ponytail back to far one day and my hair slid back. Recently, I’ve accepted that ponytails look like crap on me, and so, I’ve decided instead to ride out my remaining hair until I can rock the sexy Captain Picard waxed top.

Now, the problem I face with my steadily disappearing hair, is a physical one. You see, I’m also extremely white. I mean, I can sunburn through a t-shirt. No, seriously, I’m 96% sure the day ball is actively trying to kill me. As my hair thins out and retreats from my eyes, it leaves more and more exposed skin atop my noggin’. Sun burns are very painful, and that’s why I’ve started wearing a lot of hats, and I’ve learned something from it.

People judge you based on your hat.

Did you know that one of the fastest ways we pass judgment on a person is based on their head gear.  I mean it makes perfect sense, really, the head is where you look first at a person.  When a person sees your hat, they make an immediate, subconscious decision about who you are inherently. In many ways, a hat is very much like your name. What you are wearing on your head says a lot about who you are.

I like to wear a lot of different hats. There are a lot of different situations in life, and just like what people call me, different hats fit different situations.

My Baseball Cap

Not actually MY Baseball Cap

Let me say, I love a good baseball cap. I think they are the most utilitarian and functional of all the caps. A good fitting and worn in baseball cap can be the most comfortable hat you can own, and the brim keeps rain off of my glasses.

The problem, with the baseball cap, is not the cap itself. As a utility hat, it would be perfectly acceptable for me to wear one to work, or when I go camping, etc. The problem with my baseball cap, is I tend to wear it backwards. Now, this might not be a problem for most people, but at 27 years old, I’m the youngest guy in my office. Worse, since I took this job over from my retiring father who had worked here for 30 years, everyone here has known me since I was a baby.

This leaves me in the unfortunate position of having to prove myself to be a perfectly capable and mature adult on a fairly regular basis, or I’ll get told things like, “well, you’re still just a kid.” Dressing and behaving like a kid would just encourage that.  So, when it comes time to be professional, I’ve got to change hats.

Besides, if you wear a baseball cap backwards with sunburn prone skin, you get a funny looking arch on your forehead.

Trust me.

Also not MY stocking cap, but its identical.

My Stocking (NOT BEANIE) Cap

Its winter, and I live in Missouri. Now, I know some of you up north are going, “So, eh, what’s the prooblem then, eh?” Well, I’ve traveled North, and I’ve traveled south. I’ve got a bit east, and I’ve gone a bit west. I’ve learned 2 universal truths about Missouri.

1) No matter how hard you try, if your are from Missouri, you’re going to use the term “Y’all” in casual conversation.

2) Our winters are colder and our summers are hotter than anywhere else on the frickin’ planet.

So, what does my stocking cap say about me? It says, “This guy isn’t going to get pneumonia this year.” I also like to think it says, “Don’t mess with this guy in an alley, he spends his spare time tenderizing sides of beef, with his fists!” It probably pulls this off better when I’m carrying the Crowbar of Justice.

The hats I haven’t procured yet.

Its only been recently that I started to understand the power of the hat, and since the house fire a couple of years ago, my once proud hat collection has been dwindled down to a mere handful of repetitive pieces. As I come into the new year, and become more confident with who I am, I think its time for me to start collecting hats that really show me off.

I’ll need a new Fedora, something that says, “Like a Boss.” Maybe a fez, because after all, fezzes are cool. Maybe I’ll even invest in a swank cavalier hat that says, “This guy knows how to stick sharp things into your soft gooey bits.”

What kind of hat do you guys think I should get? What do you want your hat to tell the world?

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.