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I Email Congress, They Form Letter Back!

Last week, I did a lot of sending emails (and tweets) to my Representative (Emanuel Cleaver) and my Senators (Roy Blunt/Claire McCaskill), all three of whom I generally believe to be bad for Missouri, and worse for the US, but all three of whom have public email address, twitter, and the majority vote from the people.

(Missouri District 5, WHAT WERE WE THINKING! CLEAVER WAS THE MAYOR THAT GOT KC SCHOOLS UNACCREDITED!)

The entire issue I was addressing in my atypically well written and polite (i.e. form protest letters) was that I was very, very angry about the SOPA/PIPA issue.

I believed myself to have been ignored completely by my members of Congress. I am often ignored completely by my members of Congress. I am, after all, the “fringe nutball” voter who generally votes third party. They know this, because if there was such a thing as a “secret ballot” in Missouri, why would they need to know your name when you vote?

So, I was actually surprised by the form letter I got this morning from Roy Blunt (who got elected because his name is BLUNT). Here is how it reads, in it’s entirety:

 

Dear Matt,

You’re right, I’m stupid.

Still, I do what I waaaan’, biatch.

-RB

Okay, that isn’t actually the form letter. It was more political, along these lines:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for contacting me regarding S. 698, the Protect IP Act.

I do not support the Protect IP Act as it is currently written.  American innovation is a cornerstone of our nation’s economic growth, and job creators have lost $135 billion in revenue annually as a result of rogue internet sites.  While I believed the bill still needed much work, several months ago, I cosponsored the Senate version of the Protect IP Act because I support the original intent of this bill – to protect against the piracy of lawful content.

Upon passage of this bill through committee, Senate Judiciary Republicans strongly stated that there were substantive issues in this legislation that had to be addressed before it moved forward.  I agree with that sentiment.  Unfortunately, Senate Leader Harry Reid sought to push forward with legislation that is deeply flawed and still needs much work.

That’s why I withdrew my co-sponsorship for the Protect IP Act.

The right to free speech is a foundation of our democracy, and I strongly oppose sanctioning Americans’ right to free speech in any medium – including over the internet.

I continue to believe that we can come to a solution that will cut off the revenue sources for foreign websites dedicated to counterfeiting and piracy that steal American jobs, hurt the economy, and harm consumers.  But the Protect IP Act is flawed as it stands today, and I cannot support it moving forward.

Again, thank you for contacting me. I look forward to continuing our conversation on Facebook (www.facebook.com/SenatorBlunt) and Twitter (www.twitter.com/RoyBlunt) about the important issues facing Missouri and the country. I also encourage you to visit my website (blunt.senate.gov) to learn more about where I stand on the issues and sign-up for my e-newsletter.
Sincere regards,

Roy Blunt
United States Senator

So, here’s the thing. Roy Blunt is a US Senator from Missouri who represents Missourians of the Republican party and got elected on the fact that a shit ton of college kids thought it would be funny for our Senator to have a name that happens to be used as a euphemism for an illegal drug, similar to the reason that Ted Gaines actually ran under his predecessor’s name, David Cox officially. Who wouldn’t vote for Cox, am I right?

Still, despite the fact that Roy Blunt is a douche and actually co-sponsored the damned bill I was protesting, he wants me to join his mailing list.

I think I might. I may even be able to be turned to the Republican Fundamentalist side, if they can do better than all of the Progressive Democrat newsletters someone signed me up for and at least remember that my name isn’t Mark.

You’d be surprised how far a little recognition can go these days.

Even if they will all be form letters full of lies and damnation. I like damnation.

Still, I like to think that there was no small impact on the existence of SOPA by my emails, tweets, and of course, the government controlling power of the Half Drunk Podcast.

Of course, I’m sure that Senator Blunt’s plan has backfired on him. All this has done is re-enforce my belief that he personally reads all of my emails and will continue to listen intently to my ideas.

If you have any experience with form letters from Senators, I’d love to hear about it. Especially if they are spicy form letters, like the kind that Anthony Weiner Sends out…

Especially if they are from Senator Barbara Mikulski.

Oh, Babs, why won’t you ever send me a form letter?

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.

6 thoughts on “I Email Congress, They Form Letter Back!”

  1. Jason Benoit says:

    Blunt must imbibe in the wacky tabacky that his name endorses, what a tool. “I am a douche, Facebook me so I can look popular. I may never get reelected but I bet I can spam the shit outta your inbox.” Jackass. 

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      The entire blunt family makes us sad here in Missouri. The only reason I can think of for their constant elections is Missouri’s massively growing meth problem.

  2. Sara Olson-Liebert says:

    Oi. You should SEE the form letters we get back here. Talk about ’round-speak’ and your representatives basically saying “I don’t care what you think or want, I vote how I like and you vote for me and stick it up your ass in much nicer terms”. I’ve never gotten one back EVER saying ‘we actually agree with you and are doing right not wrong for the country’. It’s ALWAYS ‘we’re jackasses, we like being jackasses, we fucking don’t care what you think, and LALALALA!!!’ Oi. Moving to an island.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I’m just excited that my Senator can remember that my name is “Matthew” instead of “Mark.” That puts him streets ahead of Nanci Pelosi, who has been sending me form letters for years now!

      1. Lady *S* of Glitter says:

        I’d be way freaked out if Nancy Pelosi even knew my name for a form letters sake. She freaks me the hell out.

        1. M.A. Brotherton says:

          Well, she is a bat lady, what do you expect?

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