I know there are still a few days left to January, but screw those days. They smell bad anyway.
If this is your first round of “You Found Me How,” allow me to familiarize you with the rules.
Two: We look at our analytics and examine the keywords people used to find the site.
Three: We mock them. For Funsies.
And if you just said, “But doesn’t that mean you’re mocking me, your reader?” Obviously I’m not talking about YOU. You’re special and awesome. Everything you do makes perfect sense.
The Top 5 (plus Honorable Mention)
For the first time in a long while, the search term “Castleville” has over taken “Google Music Icon” as the #1 keyword people use to find my website. Sadly, it’s still not something I’ve written about more than once. I do still suffer from a Castleville addiction, though, so there is a correlation. On the other hand, I’ve also started using the Google Music app on my cellphone, so there might be more articles about both of those things in the future. Maybe…
But I doubt it.
Other top keywords included “Goals before 30” and “In 50 years We’ll All Be Chicks” which elude to my 30-before-30 list and my book review of Adam Corolla’s Bestseller. Finally rounding out the top 5 in my searches is “zuma addiction,” which is a serious topic that we should discuss with the FDA.
HONORABLE MENTION: Goes to term #6 – “Ecosystem NoteBooks” Which is great because I love them, and you should too. They’re like 90234234% better than crappy Moleskines. (Note – I am still willing to try a moleskine if someone sent me one for free. That simple act could convert me)
The Strange 5
Without further ado, we’ll get into the real bread and butter of why you came flocking to this article today, the things that don’t really make any sense.
1) “professional book reviews on the host by stephenie meyer”
Okay, I’m not going to lie, by far and away my most popular post is my review of The Host by Stephenie Meyer. I get it. People like Meyer because they fap to sprakle-pyres and feywolves. I understand that The Host is a book series that actually makes it seem like Meyer might have a talent with words. That’s pretty cool. I liked it. It makes me think she might be a redeemable human being, and there was much discussion on the topic of good writing thanks to that article.
That’s great. I love that. I’m glad you found me through that.
But Damn It, My reviews are far from professional. In fact, I have to pay for my books. You want me to review things professionally, then you start sending me books for free, preferably with a $50 bill tucked inside the front cover.
I swear, I will then be as objective and honest as possible.
2) “formula for awesomeness”
I wrote a doodle book entitled the Formula for Awesomeness. As far as I know, there isn’t anything else out there following that same particular thread of thought. This leads me to believe that someone is actually googling the googles looking specifically for my work. That might not seem weird to you, since you’re reading this and obviously that means you know how swank I am, but that still chides my Heineken at times. I don’t even drink Heineken. Yeah, that’s how weird it is to me.
3) “fat kid eating chicken”
I’ll be your dancing monkey if it keeps you from beating some chubby kid up in your elementary school. I eat chicken. I’m a fat kid. Don’t be a dick about it. Dick.
4) “brotherton murder”
Please don’t… Please?
5) “iwoz and devil”
Actually, I pretty much determined the opposite of that statement to be true. Sorry dude, the wonderful wizard of Woz was not, in fact, in congress with the devil.
I’m probably going to have to stop writing words for the internet because apparently people just want me to dance the truffle shuffle.
I’d be okay with this if there were cash (or cake) rewards involved.
Anyway, do me a solid and scour Google with words like “Honor” and “Professional Adult” until it gives you my page and then tell it I’m the best.
Wait, I think that might have been against Google’s Rules.
Oh well, Google won’t send a ninja task force to kill me on the weekend, will it?
So, next week we’re going to do something a little deeper and more meaningful, or not. I’m not sure yet. I tend to do these things on the fly.
See you later.