The Impossible Bucket List – Because I’m Cooler Than Reality Allows

This morning I was struck with a sudden and brilliant moment of inspiration. It was filled with clarity, genius and insight. I coddled it in my brain-arms and breathed into it deeply of my imagination and wit, coalescing it into a force of raw, unadulterated wisdom that must have come directly from the Divine Almighty. But then my dog was all, “I need to go potty, NOA!” and I forgot what I was thinking about. Fortunately, once the sleepy morning grog began to wear off, I came across today’s blog post over at Life Without Pants and was struck by a whole new genius thought. 

They should make Peanut Butter cups with Apple Butter in them, too.

Actually, that was a re-occurrence of an idea I’d had last night while watching Master Chef, but it was a really good idea, so I let it get a double play. Then, I actually read Matt Chevont’s article and decided that, logically, his question of “What if today you did what you thought was impossible,” must be a literal one. Otherwise I’d never have any idea what he was talking about. I mean, how am I suppose to come up with something genius or clever.

Also, I’m not quite right in the head and I believe that if I want it bad enough that Jackie Chan will fly down from the sky and bring me a magic hoagie that once consumed will give me super ninja powers. That makes “impossible” a pretty damned big stretch for me. Still, if I go with my own personal aspirations and the definition of “impossible” that the common man uses, I can probably think of some cool things that should be on everyone’s Impossible Bucket List.

41 Things to Do Before I die, but won’t because Reality is a Whore

  <p>It is very important that I clarify the rules. There are 3 of them:</p>  <ol>   <li>Nothing can go on the list if it is <em>theoretically</em> possible for us to do it in the next 5 years… i.e. Laser Eyes and Man-Gills.</li>    <li>Physics is a lie perpetuated by a conspiracy to make the universe less awesome, and therefore, must be ignored at all costs.</li>    <li>Rules are stupid and only apply to people that can’t to do the impossible anyway.</li> </ol>  <p>So, now that you know the score, lets rock the casba, so to speak. </p>  <ol>   <li>Fly like a super hero.</li>    <li>Generate Energy Swords from my Hands and Fight an Army of Demon Robots.</li>    <li>Travel back in time and draw mustaches and goatees on all of the cave pantings to really mess with archeologists.</li>    <li>Uninvent spray on Tans.</li>    <li>Spend 37 minutes inside of Tom Cruise’s head. I feel this would be more than enough time to <em>understand</em>. </li>    <li>Make sure that Johnny 5 <strong><em>is</em></strong> alive.</li>    <li>Buy Santa lunch.</li>    <li>Ride a dinosaur across the desert in pursuit of the elusive sand-yeti.</li>    <li>Live my life as a musical for 24 hours, randomly bursting into song and detailed choreography with <em>everyone around me.</em></li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Two Words: Penguin Surfing.</li>    <li>&#160; Bring back Friendster! </li>    <li>&#160; Prevent Firefly from ever having been canceled. </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; In addition, if this did not do it on it’s own, I would ###SPOILERS###, and then kick Joss Whedon in the head for thinking about it.</li>    <li>&#160; Pet Cthulu for EVERYONE!</li>    <li>&#160; Clone myself 1000 times and force them to fight to death in <em>THE ARENA… duh duh duh…</em></li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Convince the President to say, “Over 9000” on National Television! </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Rocket Cats… everywhere.</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; MIND BULLETS! </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Spell the word “Falafel” without having to look it up on Google. </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Green light a Sequel to “<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108258/" target="_blank">Surf Ninjas</a>.”</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Fist fight The <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sharktopus" target="_blank">Sharktopus</a>. </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Storm a Castle, slaying thousands of mutant turtles, only to be told by a mushroom man that the princess is not there, man.</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Kick Glenn Beck in the nuts hard enough to launch him into orbit… Twice.</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Remove the ability for people to show up in pictures when they make <a href="http://antiduckface.com/" target="_blank">duckface</a>. </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Buy Rambo a puppy, and just be like, “It’s okay man, the war is over, this little guy just wants to cuddle.”</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Build a flying city and declare it neutral territory in the war against bacteria. </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; While sitting behind the wheel of a flying DeLorean, lower my sunglasses and announce, “Where we’re going, we don’t <em>need </em>roads.”</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Be the Pumpkin King! </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volcano_(South_Park)" target="_blank">Replace a random person’s leg with TV’s Patrick Duffy</a>.</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Create a cow that has the same powers as Thor’s goats. Also, a chicken and pig. Mmmm… immortal meats…</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Get a mule and a gorilla to breed the true race of Donkey Kongs.</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Restore the Dodo Bird to life so that we can all laugh at them as they die off again from their own stupidity.</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Replace the Evil Dayball with a more friendly and less murderous star. </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Unsee that which <a href="http://cantbeunseen.com/" target="_blank">cannot be unseen</a>…</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Build an army of Jedi Squirrels to combat the Sith Kittens.</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Create something more culturally significant than the Pizza Roll Cannon. </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Cure Stupid</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Magic Barbecue Grill…. Just saying. </li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Catch a fish…</li>    <li>&#160;&#160; Convince everyone that Speaks English to get together and come to a complete consensus on the proper pronunciation of every word, then never have anything mispronounced ever again! </li>    <li>&#160;&#160;&#160; Convert everyone to °K, and the rest of the SI, actually. </li> </ol>  <p><font color="#9e9e9e"></font></p>  <p>There you go, that should get everyone’s imaginations and anti-reality fields buzzing. Feel free to drop some comments adding to the list. 

6 thoughts on “The Impossible Bucket List – Because I’m Cooler Than Reality Allows

  1. We can make a lot of these things happen. YOU KNOW GLINDA, MAN. Your life got infinitely more magical!

    1. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO CATCH A FISH!

      Other than than, yeah, this list is pretty doable. 😉

  2. Mark says:

    I have decided that Awesome is now spelled “M-A-T-T”

    And a taco on the side.

    1. Well, that seems like the type of spelling I’d use, so, ROCK!

      Also, let’s upgrade that to a bacon shell taco!

      1. Mark says:

        Dude…bacon on almost anything (except wrapped around shrimp at budget Chinese buffets) makes it better.

        I wonder what your list would look like if you added “with bacon” to the end of every line. Think of the possibilities!

        Catch a fish….with BACON!
        Bring back Friendster!…with BACON!

        Replace a random person’s leg with TV’s Patrick Duffy…and Bacon!

        The mind boggles, yes? With bacon, of course.

        1. We would all die contentedly of delicious heart failure.

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