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Existential Quandary, Roaming the Identity Wastelands

Confused-Face

Earlier this week, my friend and fellow blogger Stereo* over at UncleTypewriter wrote a though provoking post on the nature of blogs and bloggers. More specifically, on her own nature as a blogger and why it is she’s blogging. You can read that specific piece here.

Ever since I read it, there have been some things running around in the back of my head about my own nature as a blogger, writer, doodler and man. I suppose that these thoughts of doubt and shady, unfulfilled insights are old and deep ones. I’m sure that there is more to them than I can properly address and deal with on my own without the aid of a professional therapist, but, since I don’t have eye or tooth doctor insurance, let alone brain doctor, I’ll just to cope with the next best thing.

The not-so-silent judgment of nearly anonymous strangers on the internet. Nothing can go wrong with that, right?

So this is where I’m torn about my own life at the moment, and moments long ago, and moments to come in the future, I’m sure. I’m fairly certain this one question is hardcoded into my DNA, and probably the DNA of the majority of humans:

What the Hell am I doing?

It would probably be best to break it all down into the different categories of my life so I can examine them and start to see how they all fit together. There is a lot of crap going on up in this giant brain dome, and more often than I care to admit to the general public these different parts of myself engage one another in mortal combat with guerrilla tactics and urban warfare. Seriously the inside of my mind is like a super crappy version of Modern Warfare where the different parts of my head are lobbing grenades at each other during a trip to the mall. It’s messed  up in here, and you probably don’t want to be part of that. Too bad. Keep reading anyway, me ego demands it!

Blogging

I started this whole, official Blog thing roughly 18 months ago and had some sort of delusion in my mind that by doing so I would give weight to my voice, beliefs and words… and make a crazy pile of money while I did it. I’m not going to lie, blogging isn’t just a hobby or a passion for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing it. I don’t think I’d be in nearly as good a place in life if it wasn’t for the outlet of blogging and the friends that I have made in the blogging community. The truth is, though, that I want to do it professionally. No, I don’t expect to become super rich and famous from writing on the internet, and I’ve definitely given up on the thought that it is possible to follow the prophetic vision of Card and conquer the entire planet through blogging. Well, maybe I’ll never really abandon the idea that I can conquer the world with just my ideas and words, just back burnered it in favor of more important things.

The idea that I can blog professionally isn’t just a thing that I believe should happen of course. I don’t think I can just jump on the internet, write a few words and be off to swim in my insanely large pile of inexplicably liquid-esque coins. I know that it is something I have to put time into, and so I do. Hours and hours and days and days of time each week are consumed with the firery passion of a thousand tiny suns burning into the pages of the web. It’s a full time job on top of my full time job.

I do it because it’s what I dream of doing forever.

The sad part is, between a full time job, and a full time hobby, there isn’t a ton of free time left in my life. I try to make more of that by multitasking, but really, it drags the entire world down.

Writing

I haven’t really written anything in a long time. I haven’t even worked on doing a book in any earnest capacity since November. I just put too much of my word-forming mind into work on blogging, which really shouldn’t be getting as much attention from that part of my brain as it is. There just isn’t enough creative thought to go around. I think that part of my brain is dying, slowly but steadily.

Drawing

Drawing has gone from something I did when my hands were idle to something I do… period. I doodle almost constantly, sketch whenever I have a few seconds, and GIMP it up whenever the opportunity presents itself, no matter what else I could be doing.

I’m not complaining about this, mind you. I just think it’s interesting the turns our lives make when we start engaging more with the world as a whole. I never thought I’d legit be a guy people look to for art. I don’t think of myself as artistically talented so much as dedicated to scribbling pictures in my spare time. I never thought that my doodles would become a part of the blog, and now I think maybe they aren’t a big enough part.

LARP

I feel like I’ve been neglecting Eldaraenth a little bit lately. Running the game is yet another full time job, though. For those counting that’s basically 3. It’s hard to keep myself focused and working towards the betterment of the game right now, too, because it seems to be going pretty well. I know that seems like it should mean it’s time to relax and let it run itself, but really when things are going well is when you need to refocus and build upon the momentum, not let it fall apart and rebuild. That’s a lesson I’ve learned the hard way over the years of the game. I need to focus on it a lot more and get a lot more things done, or at least get a lot more people to help me do it. I feel a bit like I over burden the players that volunteer to help now as it is, though.

That’s a balance I’m still trying to learn.

 

I’ll go a bit more in depth on Monday into my life right now and why I keep pushing through the very loose sand of creativity as a kick off to the guest post series “Why, God, Do I do this to myself,” that will be up next week. (It’s still not too late to join it by the way!)

Until then, enjoy your weekend.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.

One thought on “Existential Quandary, Roaming the Identity Wastelands”

  1. Tracy Mangold says:

    It’s good to look back and answer those questions. I think it is important to live creatively in the moment and ride the wave when it presents itself to you. You are a remarkable artist. You have your own unique, wonderful style. Stay with it. I’m so enjoying what you offer here and to us as your friends. I think each blog is special. I’m not someone who is going to write in my own blog what a blog should or should not be. To each his own. I write what I feel. Sometimes it is in photographs. Sometimes it is in poetry and oftentimes it is just writing. That’s the beauty of the blogosphere. It’s incredibly diverse. And your blog is one that stands out -incredibly so – to me.

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