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I… am losing my mind.

FrustrationFor the last couple of days, I’ve been feeling a little worn down and beaten. My emotions tend to bounce back and forth from irrational numbness to complete, violent, overwhelming frustration. I just can’t seem to get my head around my heart, so to speak. I haven’t ever felt something like this before. It’s not depression. Depression I’m familiar with, it’s more of a cold, clammy hand squeezing gingerly on my soul.

It has to be related to depression, though, because it has that familiar odor of hopeless angst that flavors all of those emo-spirals. I have this feeling that no matter what I do, things are going to just keep getting worse. I’m filled with dread. All. The. Time.

I just keep getting angry. I get angry because the computer is too slow. I get angry because I can’t find something I’m looking for.

I get angry because everything I write sucks giant dung-piles.

 

I really just feel like life is continuously kicking me in the crotch.

Every time I think I’m about to make a break for it and be in the clear again, another wave of crotch-kicks comes rollin’ in.

I don’t really see any end.

 

Maybe I should try investing in a metaphysical cup.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.

10 thoughts on “I… am losing my mind.”

  1. Tracy Mangold says:

    You are reacting to feeling powerless. You aren’t powerless but you’ve gone through a lot lately. Reach for something you CAN control and work from there. I know this anger. I know this frustration – from a different place but I know it. It won’t last. But it is difficult while you are going through it. Find an outlet – anything…but try to constructively use this energy to help you. I care, my friend. We all care about you. So vent. Keep us in the loop and know we are here for you. Okay?

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I’ve found myself working way too much on trying to fix a single line of USB serial code for an outdated version of Ubuntu… does that count?

      It’s a hobby, I guess. I should just upgrade, then the damn thing would work… but.. I don’t want anything new.

  2. Robin Brotherton says:

    Perhaps it’s grief, Matt. You just lost one of your best friends. Time will help, but until then, remember you are a special person. One that is loved by many. Hang in there. It has to get better.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      Thanks, Aunt Robin. I’m sure it will get better. I just keep trudging along.

  3. Lady *S* of Glitter says:

    Anxiety, Brotherton. It’s a worse enemy than Depression. It does this. And, you know this HAS been very stressful, this LIFE THING lately. You need a break. Let yourself have one.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      If it is anxiety, then I’m headed in a bad way. I’ve always had social anxiety, and now, if it’s going to hit me on the side lines… I don’t know.

  4. Brandee Baltzell says:

    Honey, that’s grief. You lost your friend. Everything that you’re dealing with is completely normal, understandable and expected. There’s no quick fix; but, the good news is that because you’re letting yourself feel these feelings now, you’ll find your way through to the other side sooner than you think.
    We are here for you. It’s not much, coming from the ether like this, but it’s heartfelt.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I appreciate that. I really do.

  5. Stereo.* says:

    I’m with Brandee on this, MB. I think that losing Abbey has knocked you for six and I agree that it’s healthy to express these feelings and admit that right now, you’re not okay. Sometimes, we just need to be not okay for a while. Keep writing, keep grieving and soon things will start to look a bit brighter; a little sunnier. In the meantime, we’re all here ♥

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I’m afraid I haven’t really been okay for a very, very long time.

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