I Feel Bad for Prince Charles

Prince Charles will probably never be King of England.

It isn’t because he’s a giant dork. The modern world loves giant dorks. I mean, if Britain could choose anyone to become their monarch, they’d probably choose The Doctor, and everyone knows that The Doctor is the nerdiest nerd in an alien race made entirely of Nerds. No, if anything, Charles’s geekdom probably serves to endear him more to his people.

Now, I’m not British, so I’m not exactly an expert on British Royalty. I just feel bad for Charles because it seems to me like he’s getting the raw end of the Royal Stick. You know, the end that used to clean up after the Royal Puppies. The poopy end is what I’m saying. Do I have to spell everything out for you people?

Why I feel bad for Prince Charles is simple. The man get’s no respect and he’s never going to have any respect. He’s the PRINCE OF WHALES! That’s the second highest throne you can still sit on, and yet, I only know 3 things about Prince Charles:


One Artist’s Rendering of

Charles, Prince of Whales

1) He was Married to Princess Diana.

2) His kids are considered to be extremely attractive despite also looking somewhat like trolls. I’m not sure, but I think they might have once formed a boy band.



Now, maybe it’s because I’m an American, and in America we don’t have a Royal Family of our own. The closest we have is the mega-rich and they seem to exist only for the purpose of being mocked. Maybe it’s because when I was in High School, every girl I had a crush on seemed to think that Princes Harry and William were the hottie mchot-hots of our generation, thus I wanted them eaten by sharks. It might have to do with the fact that I am incapable of holding reverence for anyone.

Okay, maybe I’m a bad  person…

BUT, I feel like I’ve been conditioned my entire life to not respect Prince Charles specifically.

I know nothing of substance about him. I don’t know if he’s a good Prince. I don’t know if he’s a good person. I don’t even know if he is actually capable of speaking. I only know that he’s pretty much been a media butt-monkey my entire life. I can not think of a single time I’ve seen a reference to Prince Charles on TV that was not actively making him look like a moron with mutant huge ears and teeth. I don’t even know why. Did he do something horrible? IS he actually a moron? I doubt it. You don’t get to wear suits that sharp if you’re going to chew on the sleeves of them. I know that first hand.

Near as I can tell, the only reason people are actively cruel (myself included, see above) to Prince Charles is because he’s the Prince.

Now, if that’s what it means to be the prince, I’m sure Charles can take it with all of the eloquence and grace befitting his station. He only has to put up with it until he becomes KING!

(Side Note: Life is a million times more enjoyable if you do your very best James Earl Jones impression every time you say the word KING! Seriously, it’s been scientifically proven.)

Too Bad The Queen is an Immortal Robot

Queen Elizabeth II is 860 years old and counting…

No… that can’t be right. I think there’s a problem with my notes…

… Oh… Yeah… That’s probably a typo… Let me start over…

Queen Elizabeth II is 86 years old and counting. She is in amazing health, and shows no signs of having aged in at least the last 30 years. She has repeatedly stated over the course of her life that being a monarch is a life time gig. You don’t ever get to retire from being Queen. You are queen until you die, preferably in a valiant fight against Space Vampires. Those are her words, not mine.

I might have paraphrased a little.

The point is, Queen Elizabeth II is never going to stop being queen unless she is forced into a noble and heroic sacrifice for the good of mankind, probably during some sort of interstellar war. That would still suck for Prince Charles, since we’d all get an inspirational and awesome hero (as if she wasn’t already one being a pretty bad-ass queen), but he’d loose his mom. That’s some tough feels there.

Fortunately for us and unfortunately for Prince Charles, it will take an Interplanetary War for Queen Elizabeth to step down because she’s a type 1 Synthetic Humanoid.

Exhibit A:


Queen Elizabeth was a smoking hottie back in the 50s. All of the early prototype synthoids were made über-attractive. There was Dick Clark, Dolly Parton, Bob Barker, and today, I discovered Queen Elizabeth II. She might be a slightly different variant, though, because she seems to have aged until she was about 50 and then stopped. She actually looks to me to be a bit younger than her son.

Which is even more reasons to feel bad for him.

And brings me to my final point.

Prince Charles is 64 years old. He’ll be 65 in just a few months. At this point, HE is old enough to retire!

Does that mean that Charles will never be king? It might. If we assume that Queen Elizabeth II will live to be 150, a seemingly safe assumption at this point, since her nuclear robot batteries don’t seem to be even waning, he’ll be 130 when he becomes king. It seems to me that the second century of life isn’t the coolest time to be king.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Charles will live to be 9000 years old. According to Ray Kurzwiel, it could happen. The singularity is nigh and immortality is just around the corner. Maybe I’m getting all worked up over nothing. It’s very possible that the reign of King Charles will last until entropy conquers the universe and humanity goes off in search of a new universe in the form of energy beings.

In which case maybe we should feel bad for Prince William.

Never feel bad for Prince Harry. He’s got this suave cool thing going on. He might be a wizard.

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