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I am a Consumer Whore, And HOW!

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I’m big enough a man to admit that I’m a whore.

That’s right, I sell my time, ideas, and in some cases my various bodily fluids in exchange for somewhat small piles of money that I can then turn around and use to buy stuff that I think is freakin’ awesome.

I’m fairly certain that this system of exchange is similar to any system you might be part of, unless of course you are just rich because someone handed you piles of money for being born, in which case instead of being a whore, you’re a pimp.

Good on you, ol’ chap.

The rest of us sell whatever we can of ourselves so that we can pretend that one day we’ll be a pimp, too.

It’s especially hard for a guy like me, because I don’t have any practical skills. Although, arguably my ability to just bullshit my way through life is the most practical skill of all, and the primary requirement to be a Republican Presidential Candidate.

I kid… I kid….

(or do I?)

………

So, in honor of my current status as not only a cubical potato, but also as a consumer whore, I’ve decided to share with all of you a bit of my Amazon Consumer Whore Wish list.

Why? Because by whoring my creativity and talent to Amazon, I get a little bit closer to one day owning the things I’m whoring myself for.

Isn’t that obvious?

The List of 3 Random Things Matt Sells His Life and Soul For!

First of all, let me just say, if you only want to know what’s on my Amazon Wish List (for example if you’re my mom and you want to buy me a birthday gift) then you can just go there now and save yourself a lot of time. I’m verbose, It’s what I do.

1) Annoyingly Pretentious Lama Li Leather-bound Journals

“Look unto them and know how sexy they are. You know that when you sit in a coffee shop sipping on a Fappalate and writing in one of these with a nice sharp quill pen that you’re going to get some good make outs later with that chick that sits in the corner and plays Facebook games on her MacBook Pro. You know, the one wearing the horn-rimmed glasses with her hair in a bright purple pony tail? Yeah, her. She’s going to be all over you when you are writing your novel in these notebooks.”

That’s what my subconscious mind tells me all the time, anyway.  Then it sighs dramatically and calls me a poseur.

 

2) A Sword made out of Carbon Fiber and Awesomeness

I’ve talked about the training swords before, and I own the katana. The problem is, I’m not exactly in shape as a swordsman anymore and there is a really good chance that sometime in the next, oh, let’s say 8 months, that governments will collapse and we’ll have to fight space demons or have them use our heads in their ancient Soccer-Basket-Ball rituals. The only real way to get back into the shape I need to be in is some hardcore training, which I’m not doing, and probably wouldn’t do if I did have the tools.

On the other hand, I think it would look awfully wicked awesome strapped to my back, possibly with a bad ass wool duster underneath as I marched around downtown Kansas City.

I probably wouldn’t get shot for 3-4 minutes.

 

3) The Coolest Spaceship featured in a Sci-Fi series that isn’t the TARDIS.

Firefly, why’d you have to leave me. My world has never been the same since you’ve come and gone. I understand the space cowboys now more than ever, and I would almost rather live in your universe than the Space Samurai universe of Star Wars, but let’s face it, Laser swords are just more awesome than anything else in existence. Someone should create a series merging the two.

I’m looking at you, Ghost of George Lucas’s Creativity.

I’m going to say something right now that could very well start a geek war that will bring about the Mayan predicted apocalypse everyone has been all excited about:

Malcolm Reynolds is a much more badass space cowboy smuggler than Han Solo.

There, I said it, you can all deal with it.

It’s the truth and YOU KNOW IT.

Also the Browncoats were way cooler than those crappy uniforms that the Rebel Alliance wore. I mean, poorly camouflaged plastic rain ponchos and penis helmets? Really? You guys should have been crushed by the Empire so hard.

I hope this has encouraged you to embrace the consumer whore in yourself.

We all need to just come to terms with it already and spend all our money all the time and not worry about the future.

It’s what’s good for America.

Right, Mitt?

PS: I am a consumer whore comes from the amazing Don Hertzfelt Cartoons.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.