I wasn’t going to write about the weather in Kansas City again, but I haven’t been able to leave my house for two days, so you’re going to have to read about my snow-woes again, and you’re going to like it.

Trust me. If you can read this, you should be extremely thankful.

Surviving a Double Snow Day

So a few days after the first blizzard, Kansas City got smacked by another round of man-hating death snow. It crept up on us from the south, exploding its foul powders across the lands. This time, I was ready for the snow. I was home, safe and warm. I had a freezer full of microwavable taquitos. I was ready to ride out the storm in comfort and happiness.

The storm came down upon us, smashing the roads closed again. It didn’t matter. I curled up into a ball, wrapped myself in a blanket and went back to sleep. Several hours after when I would normally be awake, I crept forward from my crypt of happy warmth. I cooked some pizza rolls, popped open a Cherry Coke Zero, and began my day of lazy internet browsing. I clicked onto my first website of the day and…

The Power Went Out

I didn’t panic. I finished my pizza rolls in the pitch black of my basement and then headed upstairs to see what was going down. Outside, the snow was heavy, wet, and perfect for snowballs. It seemed like there was much less than what we had been warned. Instead of the knee-deep hell-snow, there was a light, fluffy wonderland of perfect packing snow. It barely came up past my shoes.

The storm was not what we had expected. Even though our power was off, we weren’t worried. Surely, with the lightness of the storm and the lack of real snow, it wouldn’t be off for long. We gathered everyone together for a light lunch, and then went out and shoveled all the snow away from the driveway. It was beautiful how clean the driveway was. There was mud. MUD! IN WINTER!

Eventually, we all began to realize that the cold was setting in and the power hadn’t come back on yet. That’s when we came up with the greatest plan ever.

We all gathered together in one room, and covered all the exits in giant heavy blankets. Two adult men, one adult woman and two hyperactive children all gathered together in one living room. The adults had spent the day shoveling all the snow away and had pretty much gotten all of their energy burned away. That left three sleepy adults and two hyperactive children locked away in a tiny room.

I’m not sure what your definition of hell is, but mine has recently been redefined as an endless pool of writhing, massive children with all their sticky children fingers clawing greedily at my flesh, a constant stream of knock-knock jokes, puns, and nonsensical riddles pouring from their gaping maws!

The room kept getting smaller and smaller, so I fled. I went out to the car and spent close to two hours running the engine to simultaneously stay warm and charge the cell phones. It was peaceful, warm, and snuggly. Eventually, my RoomLord came out and joined me, such was the draw of my cocoon of solitude. Alas, we eventually had to head back inside to the darkening, chilling house full of cranky, energetic children.

That’s when we hatched a sinister plan. We’d risk a trip into town to get supplies and warm food!

The road leaving home was terrible and frightening. The snow was powdery and slick. We slid and bounced and nearly died a dozen times. Eventually, through raw determination and pure testicular fortitude, we managed to smash our way into the real world, and found a city cleaned of all signs of death.

We drove into town and picked up the necessary supplies of powerless living:

• Cases of Soda
• Snack Cakes (including Oatmeal Cream Pies)
• Bologna
• A Barbecue grill with charcoal
• Actual Boots

Now, the boots were incredibly important because I only owned one pair of shoes before last night, a pair of Chuck Taylors. I love my Chucks, but they’re not very snow friendly. They soak through very quickly and then they freeze and your toes turn black and fall off. I wouldn’t have remembered to buy the boots if we hadn’t passed a boot display, so let that tell you about how resistant I am to subliminal advertising.

We piled all of this stuff back into the car along with a pile of pizzas and headed back home. The slippery, sliding doom was nothing for us this time. We floored the gas and plowed through pounds and pounds of snow.

I’m here to tell you that really the only way to properly deal with death snow is to floor your accelerator and pray that you can hold your car in the middle of the road. That’s the key to survival as far as I’m concerned!

Back home, we were once again all slotted together in the dark room, candles giving off a surprising amount of warmth. I’m serious there. With the room sealed by blankets and heated only by candles and body heat, it was easily 10 degrees warmer than the rest of the house.

We consumed the pizza and talked about fleeing into the city for the night, but none of us could believe that the power would stay off overnight. So, warm and full, we all curled in to sleep.

This morning, we still had no power, and our road was in worse shape than it was the night before. I called my office and told them that I wouldn’t be in. I am still worried about making it tomorrow. I will, though. It’s my last day.

The family gathered for a meeting, and it was decided that my RoomLords would pack up their kids and make for the city, calling me to let me know if the roads were any better than the night before. If they were, I’d head into work and find a warm, powered place to sleep. If not, I’d stay behind and make friends with the cat.

The family packed their bags and we made jokes that now the power would come on because we were abandoning home. Lo and behold…. the heater clicked on and the lights illuminated.

Our jokes had been prophetic.

Now, I’m warm, cozy and happily watching television. In the morning, I will risk the drive into town, and never need to worry about it again.

Sadly, we never did get to use the barbecue grill.

I was looking forward to snow-chops.

 

Tags: Kansas city, Snow, Winter