Well, Valentine’s Day has come again, and once again, I am a single schmuck just looking for love in all the wrong places.
Note: The list of wrong places now includes gas stations, the back of my refrigerator, under the bed, and that place by the train tracks where they found the dead skunk.
Okay, maybe I’m not trying very hard. That’s okay.
Maybe you’re not trying very hard. That’s also okay.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. As hard as some industries want to make you feel guilty about it, there is nothing wrong with being content on your own. Happy even. Some might even be downright joyous. Trust me, as much as I miss touching my naughty bits to someone else’s naughty bits, then snuggling and watching shitty 90’s cartoons afterwards, I don’t miss the judgment, fear, or constantly overwhelming need to meet artificial expectations.
Now, I’m not against relationships. As a general rule of thumb, I might even encourage them. But I don’t believe they need to define who we are. I don’t believe I am less because I am alone.
That’s why I’m back again this year to tell you about the greatest holiday of all time. Single’s Appreciation Day.
You’re Worth It
Today, while others are spending ridiculous amounts of money in an effort to stem the rising tide of loathing in their relationships, you should feel free to spend a moderate amount of money on the most important person in your life. No, I’m not talking about your cat. I’m talking about you.
I arose at the ass crack of dawn this morning. Actually, It’s freakin’ February in Montana, so when I got out of bed at 2 minutes after six, dawn was still an hour away, but that’s not the point. The point is, I got up, did my morning routine of making an abomination in the rest room, and then headed out to face the day with a spring in my step and a goal in mind.
I wanted some damn chocolate and I wanted it now!
I went to my local gas station. I didn’t find love, but I did find a large, hairy man willing to sell me two chocolate peanut butter protein bars and an energy drink. He never once mentioned the giant red display covered in the mummified corpses of plant genitalia and chalk pretending to be candy. He didn’t ask me if I needed to get a card or any of that shit. You know why? Because no one really gives a fuck about the fact that I’m single. Not even you, and you’re reading my open rant about singlehood!
After that, I drove around for a bit listening to the To Be Read podcast. Interestingly enough, despite my shameful and blatant holiday themed attention grab, the topic of this week’s TBR was book slumps–what causes them and how to overcome them. Still, nothing about feeling guilty for being single.
At this point, I came home to indulge in my favorite self-appreciation activity: Ranting on the internet.
As I write this, it’s about 8:30 am, so I still have another… quick math… 15 1/2 hours of SAD to get through. That’s a lot of time to devote to me as a person.
No, and that isn’t in a dirty way… but if that’s your thing, I’m not judging you.
Go, Do Something Fun
I will probably spend most of today at my computer. I’ve finished my outline for Seven Keys 5 and am ready to jump into hammering out that shit. I love doing it, so for me, getting to devote and entire 3 day weekend to making Terry Howard’s life a miserable train wreck of self-loathing and poor decision-making skills is empowering. As an added bonus, Book 5 is all about ruining relationships… but enough spoilers. See what I did there, I’m a dick.
You might be tempted to imitate my awesome, and if you’re into it, I totally dig your vibe. If not, I’ve come up with a short list of other things you can do today to celebrate you.
- Read this blog post – You’re already doing that, so don’t act all high and mighty about my shameless self-plug.
- Consider reading this other blog post I did a few years back. It has a picture of me as cupid and other ways to encourage irresponsible binge-drinking!
- Play all the video games. If, like me, you have a mild-to-moderate Warcrack addiction, you can go murdering all those people trying their damnedest to get their little flying goblin pet. I believe this is the ultimate social commentary. It’s like saying, “No, Blizzard, we won’t even put up with your ironic interpretation that holidays were created by literal money-hungry goblins!
- Actively mock people in Relationships.
The Smug Truth about Romance
Romance is not a one-time thing. Speaking as someone that royally fucked up his own marriage, I can tell you a very simple truth: Valentine’s Day is complete bullshit.
In fact, I’ve learned that the truly happy couples barely even acknowledge its existence. Sure, they do sweet things for each other, but they don’t do it because it’s VD. They use Valentine’s Day as an excuse to do something sweet for each other.
My parents have been together forever. Well, that’s not entirely true, but since they’ve been together for more than a decade longer than I’ve been alive, I’m going to consider it as close to true as possible.
Now, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. One that probably isn’t very secret to people who know them.
My parent’s are a sickeningly cute couple. They are always making out in the living room, or kitchen or hallway… and they’re both almost sixty. My dad buys my mom random jewelry. My mom buys my dad random diabetes-fuel. They find excuses to give each other gifts, compliments, and attention.
They’re pretty much ignoring Valentine’s day.
Why? Because they don’t need Valentine’s Day to be romantic.
They’re happy with each other.
Now, I’m not a psychologist, but I think part of the reason my parents work so well together is the fact that they work well alone. They prefer to be around each other, sure, but they are also fully capable of spending time with themselves.
That’s no small task. That’s no easy feat.
My personal relationships have all crashed and burned because I’m not good with me. How can I possibly hope to every be good with someone else?
That’s why Single’s Appreciation Day is so important. We all need to learn to be okay alone before we can learn to be okay together.
And damn… this turned into something much, much different…
Fuck it. I’m going to go watch Lifetime Movies and sob into some pizza rolls…
Damn you, Hallmark. YOU WIN AGAIN!