I’m Hot and Sweaty, This isn’t as Sexy as it Sounds


Okay, look, I’m not saying I’m “anti-science.” I’m well aware of the fact that man is responsible for the horrendous climate change that has stopped me from having my glorious, tick-killing winter. What I’m saying is it would be much easier to just kill the Sun.

Look, he deserves it.

The sun is an asshole, and we should really stop treating him with respect.

Seriously, Earth, it’s like you’re an abused spouse that just keeps coming back for more.

I’m over it.

Let’s move to a different planet with a less violent sun.

Maybe one that’s blue.

There are blue stars, right?

That’s a thing that exists.

So, if you didn’t know, it was roughly 92°F (or Roughly 33.3°C) today in Kansas City. Today was also April 25. This means that our weather is continuing it’s pattern of being TOO FREAKIN’ HOT! It was in the 60s all winter, and at this rate will be well in to the 120°F range by July. Which is the temperature at which I will literally explode into a thin vapor of death and dismay. For the last 5 years I have been mocking my parents for their quaint little lives in the mountains of Montana, where summer lasts for roughly 56 minutes. Now, I am ready to move north, into the vast wilds of Canada to escape the fact that I suddenly live in the tropical rain forest, minus the life saving tree canopy to block out the deadly Day Ball.

It’s almost enough to make me wish I didn’t have my protective layer of blubber. I mean, it’s a great tactic for fighting off colds and burglars, but in this heat, it’s like I’m melting.

Fortunately I have a magic beard that balances out all the elements.

This is science. You can’t refute me.

Anyway, I’m going off to sit on a pile of ice cubes and eat some orange sherbet.


That’s the only rational and sane thing to do while waiting for the Scientists to come up with a way to kill the Sun.

6 thoughts on “I’m Hot and Sweaty, This isn’t as Sexy as it Sounds

  1. So, Nolan has gladly accepted you as his brother in law for this post.  In fact, he wants to move with you to Northern Alaska to fight zombies in the cold, icy, northern darkness. He is willing to kill zombies with you. 30 Days of Night Style. Also he wears a Magic Beard too.

    Also, Safety Dance.

    BTW, I read this AFTER I took my morphine. Which probably made me reopen all my sutures due to its hilariosity. And probably also made me think everything was way way way way funnier than you can imagine. 

    1. I am best taken while on morphine. Got it!

      Also: We will fight SOLAR ZOMBIES! They’re like normal zombies but they’re powered by the sun! We will use the power of our magic beards to defeat all the creatures of the night! 

      1. Solar Zombies? Gawd. Thank hell we already live so Northernly. UGH. Solar zombies aint gone nada on yo beards, boys! You need to come visit us!


          1. And yes. Blue Stars do exist.

          2. Not to be racist or anything, but I bet blue stars are a lot less likely to beat their planets.

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