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Heavily Unburdened #Reverb11

December is here, and I find that I’m pretty happy with how far I’ve managed to come in the last eleven months. I’ve knocked a few goals off of my 30-Before-30 List, and am extremely proud of those accomplishments, but I still feel a bit lost with myself. I suppose there is no changing the fact that I am simply never going to be content with where I am in life. I am a nomad at heart and my emotional state is no different. It’s been a long year in some ways and a very short one in others. Some burdens have come but new one’s, hopeful ones, have found there way onto my shoulders.

This time last year I was afraid. I was stuck in a cycle of self loathing and pain, I call it the Emo Spiral, and even at this exact moment, after a year of learning how to defeat it, it’s claws are gripping into me. I refuse to give into it anymore, and thanks to some truly amazing friends, I don’t have to fight it off alone. Then, though, that creates it’s own problems, doesn’t it?

I’ve let go of a lot of the things that have dragged me down this past year. I have come to terms with the end of my marriage, and without giving away too many details, very happily moved on from there. I’ve found something in my life that I love doing, and brings me peace, here on this blog. I reconnected with the one hobby that has always made me feel special with Eldaraenth, and am strengthened by its players. The farm in Pleasant Hope where we have the majority of our events is probably my favorite place in the world.

I’ve reconnected with my family, realized that life is easier when you have them to watch your back, and extended that to some very close friends. I’ve struggled with money, but have learned to spend less when I need to and reaped the rewards of that.

It’s been a good year for me.

That doesn’t stop the darkness that lurks in the back of my head from taking shots at me, though. Nothing ever will, that’s one burden that I can never get rid of.

It throws snide comments to the front of my mind like little ninja stars with thoughts like, “If you’re doing your best, why aren’t you famous yet?” It criticizes the time it takes me to do things, and how well I do them. It claws at my dreams. It doesn’t want me to have hope or perseverance. It wants me to give up, resign myself to an empty, hollow life, and die slowly.

Only, I have no intention of dying, ever. If I do, I don’t plan on it being a quiet, respectable death, either. If the mortal coil plans on taking me down, it’s going to have a hell of a hissy-fit on its hands. I’m going out remembered.

Then, there it is. The whole point of all of this. I don’t want to fade away slowly and disappear. I can accept the fact that I might not always be here. I can’t accept the fact that I didn’t even make a dent with the time I had.

That is ultimately what I learned most this year.

No matter how small it is or how long it takes. I will make a difference somewhere.

Maybe, I already have.

Today’s Reverb11 was inspired by the 12/1 Prompt from Diana Prichard. For a list of more prompts check out the Reverb11 Page hosted by Geekin’ Hard.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.

16 thoughts on “Heavily Unburdened #Reverb11”

  1. Tracy Mangold says:

    It has been a heck of a year, hasn’t it? But you have come a long way and opened yourself up more and more. 🙂 you have graced us with your immense talents in writing, your art, your humor and just you! Thank you, Matt. I raise my glass in toast to you for reverb11!! Here is to many more years of growing and achieving!

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      It has been a crazy year, indeed. I’m just hoping I can live up to my 2011 self in 2012 and keep growing with the momentum.

  2. Jason Benoit says:

    Matt,
    Believe me when I say I know what it is like to have that creeping darkness perched on your shoulder like a tremendous bird. I live in the darkness as much as I do out and I can honestly say that I hope you someday find your way out from under it. Nobody deserves to live as such. Stay strong and keep on keeping on, my friend. Thanks for sharing this. 

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      Thank you, it means a lot to me that others can know what it’s like and learn to move past it. It can be hard, but it can be overcome with the right support. That’s what Reverb is really all about, I think.

  3. Leah Graves says:

    nice to meet you!

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      Nice to meet you, too. 🙂

  4. ***C*** says:

    Darkness can linger, it’s true. And the voices in our head can truly be fiercer than anything.  Sometimes the sun rises in spite of us.  Growth will continue, too, whether we anticipate it or not.  I appreciate you.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      Thank you. I have to keep reminding myself it all takes one little step at a time. I’ve gotten pretty lucky to have enough people around to remind me of that regularly.

  5. dominique says:

    i think, most of the time, that doing ok and keeping the darkness tucked into the back of the mind is the best most of us can do. so i applaud you for what you’ve accomplished. congratulations.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I think that there is a trigger out there for all of us. Probably more than one, and if we can find them, crush them, and leave them behind, we can become unstoppable.

  6. Kim says:

    I think you have made so much difference. And I think you will continue to do so. 

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      Thanks, Kim. Here’s hoping we’re all just getting started on making a dent in the universe.

  7. Jennifer says:

    I like very much that you’ve gone with a different set of prompts here.  I haven’t had the time to delve as closely to the “newcomers” (what I’m calling those people that I haven’t yet discovered and don’t yet follow….) but hope to this weekend.  This year’s Reverb is going to be a neat experiment in nostalgia for last year and its balance with new growth.  You’ve just pointed that out to me.  And reminded me to find perspective.  Thanks.  

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      It’s amazing to me that there were so many different prompts groups formed and yet, so many of them used the same day one. I suppose it’s what was easiest.

      I don’t know how many I’ll use from each list, but I’m hoping that I can find something from each that resonates with me and lets me just flow out well.

  8. Sara Olson-Liebert says:

    I’m really, amazingly, glad to have come to be able to call you a friend, Brotherton.What you wrote on this resounds thoroughly, doesn’t it. You also made my heart sing because, initially, I hadn’t found a prompt I liked AT ALL. Then I saw how I could put this together, thanks to you. I toast to our friendship, Taco Tuesday, Safety Dance, and meeting you, a wise bird who does indeed, write with honor. 🙂

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      Well, the important part is to reflect on the last year and make plans for the future. So, I keep that in mind. If there isn’t a prompt that really speaks to me, I kind of give it my own spin. That’s just how I go through life, though, I suppose. 

      I am glad to call you, and everyone else in the blogging community Friend, and I’m glad I share such important things as Taco Tuesday with all of you. 🙂 

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