December is here, and I find that I’m pretty happy with how far I’ve managed to come in the last eleven months. I’ve knocked a few goals off of my 30-Before-30 List, and am extremely proud of those accomplishments, but I still feel a bit lost with myself. I suppose there is no changing the fact that I am simply never going to be content with where I am in life. I am a nomad at heart and my emotional state is no different. It’s been a long year in some ways and a very short one in others. Some burdens have come but new one’s, hopeful ones, have found there way onto my shoulders.
This time last year I was afraid. I was stuck in a cycle of self loathing and pain, I call it the Emo Spiral, and even at this exact moment, after a year of learning how to defeat it, it’s claws are gripping into me. I refuse to give into it anymore, and thanks to some truly amazing friends, I don’t have to fight it off alone. Then, though, that creates it’s own problems, doesn’t it?
I’ve let go of a lot of the things that have dragged me down this past year. I have come to terms with the end of my marriage, and without giving away too many details, very happily moved on from there. I’ve found something in my life that I love doing, and brings me peace, here on this blog. I reconnected with the one hobby that has always made me feel special with Eldaraenth, and am strengthened by its players. The farm in Pleasant Hope where we have the majority of our events is probably my favorite place in the world.
I’ve reconnected with my family, realized that life is easier when you have them to watch your back, and extended that to some very close friends. I’ve struggled with money, but have learned to spend less when I need to and reaped the rewards of that.
It’s been a good year for me.
That doesn’t stop the darkness that lurks in the back of my head from taking shots at me, though. Nothing ever will, that’s one burden that I can never get rid of.
It throws snide comments to the front of my mind like little ninja stars with thoughts like, “If you’re doing your best, why aren’t you famous yet?” It criticizes the time it takes me to do things, and how well I do them. It claws at my dreams. It doesn’t want me to have hope or perseverance. It wants me to give up, resign myself to an empty, hollow life, and die slowly.
Only, I have no intention of dying, ever. If I do, I don’t plan on it being a quiet, respectable death, either. If the mortal coil plans on taking me down, it’s going to have a hell of a hissy-fit on its hands. I’m going out remembered.
Then, there it is. The whole point of all of this. I don’t want to fade away slowly and disappear. I can accept the fact that I might not always be here. I can’t accept the fact that I didn’t even make a dent with the time I had.
That is ultimately what I learned most this year.
No matter how small it is or how long it takes. I will make a difference somewhere.
Maybe, I already have.
Today’s Reverb11 was inspired by the 12/1 Prompt from Diana Prichard. For a list of more prompts check out the Reverb11 Page hosted by Geekin’ Hard.