Facebook is Full of Douchebags – My Dad Has Cancer Kid Edition

We all know that Facebook is the Land of Douchiness. We all have certain friends and family members that have those handful of ideals that directly conflict with our own. You know, the one that is a little racist sometimes, or the one that still believes that Obama isn’t out to steal all of the internet porn in the world. The people that have beliefs that we, as rational humans, can’t manage to align with the reality we live in. Some of those people are even outwardly vocal in their ignorance or hate, instead of just the normal “click to share” passive kind.

Then, then there is a special kind of d-bag. The kind of d-bag that doesn’t just comment on something they disagree with, they hunt down things to comment on. They throw their anger and ire at whatever they can manage to find to be angry at and really lay in.

These people should probably be euthanized, but I’m not in charge of the government around here… yet?

Today was a particularly angry type of day for me. I’m hopped up on my third cup of chocoffee and lookin’ to pick a fight. I was scrolling through my Facebook timeline, because, seriously, is there a better breeding ground for trollish activity? I was about to give up because today is a rare “everybody loves everybody” day on Facebook, when I came across this image shared by my friend:




Of course I clicked “like.” It doesn’t take any work for me to click on the little thumbs up and maybe add a virtual happy point to some kid going through something. Even if, as dozens of d-bags in the comments insist, the kid is a fake just trying to drum up some publicity. Seriously, like my thumbs up on Facebook is going to land him a billion dollar contract for handwritten sign advertising. Worst case scenario the 1 calorie and half a second it took me to click on the picture does nothing. Best case scenario a kid looking for any form of comfort gets his 4,216,069th head-nod and pat on the back. Speaking from experience, those little things can make a big difference when you’re feeling down.

The moment I clicked on “like,” though, the most recent comment showed up. And I quote:

what a idiot, likes won’t cure cancer, won’t help your father, think some other way of getting likes!!! better go and be there by his side! HE NEEDS YOU, NOT LIKES ON FACEBOOK! IDIOT!

I don’t even know where to begin. My immediate reaction was to call the CIA and find out if the drones are busy today. Since the CIA refuses to give me their phone number (although they have no problem tracking mine) I couldn’t do that. My second instinct was to start a flame war in the comments on Facebook itself. I finished my cup of chocoffee and decided against that, too. It wouldn’t help anyone.

THEN, I remembered that I own a blog. My audience my not be huge, but maybe, just maybe, I could use my platform to spread the Anti-Douche Message.

Now, I could point out the horrible grammar and spelling problems with this comment. I’m not going to because frankly, that’s a pot and kettle situation there. I could point out that more than 4 million people disagree with the commenter, but commenters that can’t read don’t generally know math either.

So what I will say is this:

Does it even matter?

Look. If this kid is legit, which I’m going to assume because I’m not quite a skeptical ass-face, than it means something to have 4 million people showing support and solidarity. If the kid is fake, it cost nothing to click the button. Is there a downside? Why does it bother you or anyone else if he gets an uplifting message today.



Have you never experienced hardship? Have you never wanted someone to tell you that they hear you and it’s going to be cool. That the entire world has got your back?


This kid isn’t asking for anything but a click on the like button.


This kid isn’t asking for anything but a show of respect for his dad’s fight.


You don’t have to give him one. You don’t have to show him respect.


But you know what?




This world really needs a lot more people that will shut the hell up and mind their own business and a lot less ass-hats.


You’re an ass-hat.


It’s not too late to do something about that… like shutting up. Forever.



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