Ego and Fear

Lately, I’ve been quiet. I’ve been stewing in my own bitter thoughts, forcing myself to just keep walking. I’ve been incredibly busy with both my day job and my overwhelming need to bask in self pity. While I toiled in the mines of my own insecurities, the world continued to turn around me. Horrible tragedies came to pass, political turmoil bubbled across the globe, the world didn’t end… again.

I didn’t start blogging to bask in self flagellation. That’s just a natural development of depression and narcissism. I have to admit, I probably did start out of a love for my own words. I like to rant and lecture wirh a fervent and often false belief that I know something other people don’t, or that I have some insightful wisdom to embue.

The truth is I am often stupid and almost always arrogant.

I think that’s the nature of being human.

Maybe I’m wrong, though, maybe it’s just me.

I’ve been coming to terms with some things in my life lately. I’ve been dealing with the weight of the last few months, and it has me reflecting.

That’s a lie.

It has me hiding.

Just before the New Year, I had a conversation about making changes in my life. 2013 was going to be the year of living dangerously.

So far, I’ve failed to follow through on that.

I don’t know exactly how to jump off the cliff. I’ve never lived life without a parachute, but I think I’m going to learn.

There are some big possibilities for me in the future, a lot of heavy things to hang on the back of my mind for a while, decisions to make.

I’m not sure where my life is going.
No one ever is.
I just have to keep going one step at a time.

2 thoughts on “Ego and Fear

  1. Stereo.* says:

    I think a lot of the time you’re too hard on yourself, Matt. All this guilt and self-analysing (self-analysing is cool but too much of a good thing sometimes makes things bad) leads you to believe you’re doing this or that wrong. I think the business of putting one foot in front of the other is a skill that nobody every really perfects. You’re doing your best and learning from mistakes and I think that’s all any (reasonable) person can ask of you ♥

    1. I’m not sure I’m learning. I think I’m getting dumber, actually.

      I will say that today, my ego outweighed my fear and I’m feeling pretty liberated.

      I should actually say, my anger and frustration outweighed my fear.

      For the first time in a long time, I let myself rant at someone that deserved it.

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