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To Define Success with Pants

PantslessThe last few weeks opened my eyes to a whole new set of possibilities. While simultaneously being tortured by the soul-devouring 9-5 grind of my Monday-Friday, I was also listening to The 4-Hour Workweek1 by Tim Ferriss. This is the second time I’ve read 4-Hour Workweek, and I imagine I’ll read it again in a few months, but for now, this reading was serendipitous.

Now, chances are, I’m not going to ever be able to follow the advice Tim Ferris gives. Though my brain is mighty (and can fire lasers), I find myself completely incapable of considering a career track that doesn’t involve ultimate global domination.

What can I say, the only value I have to offer humanity is as Supreme Dictator of the World Nation of Mattopia. (Vote Matt in 2024)

That doesn’t mean I didn’t have something to learn from Tim Ferriss, though.

Time is a Precious Resource for the Mortal

Sooner or later, we’re all going to die.2

This is a horrifyingly depressing thought that is best sent deep into the back resources of your mind and never contemplated again. At least once you acknowledge that it means that no matter how hard you work or how much money you make, you’re going to be worm food.

I find comfort in that thought.

I know that my look might sound a bit “Shark Tank is Half Empty, OH GOD WHERE ARE THE MISSING SHARKS! CHRIST THEY’VE GROWN WINGS AND ARE COMING FOR …………,” but, for me it is a really optimistic way of looking at the world. If there are pizza rolls in my belly and lava-powered heaters keeping my giblets from freezing and falling off, then I’m probably doing something right.

It lead me to to my ultimate realization:

Responsibility

I was personally so excited about this revelation, that I insisted on sharing it with everyone that would listen. I told my co-workers, my brother, my father, and a kind elderly couple that offered me soup and a ride to a “place that can get me the help I need.” All of them are older than me, with families, lives, and in most cases mortgages. You know what they all said to me when I revealed my prophetic revelation of divine inspiration:

“Well, yeah.”

The elderly couple also asked if there was anyone they should call, and if I was on any medications I might have missed.

It was an incredible shock for me to realize that I had stumbled onto something that every freakin’ adult I knew had already concluded. It was like I’d just learned that there is no Santa Clause or Easter Bunny3

I’m officially marking this as a milestone. I now possess what appears to be one of the keys to being an adult.

Other keys I’ve collect are: “Getting up early for cartoon on Saturday morning is a sucker’s game. Just DVR that shit,” and, “Cake is just bread with too much sugar in it.”

Redefining Success

If responsibility is mental stability, then what is success?

Well, according to some people, success is having a pile of money larger than most people’s houses. For others, success is raising their kids to grow up and have piles of money bigger than most people’s houses. For a very select few, success is raising kids to grow up to raise kids.

For Tim Ferriss, success is being able to go anywhere and do anything while still making money.

I think everyone has to come up with their own definition of success.

This is a vague concept that basically means you are winning. In a game where everyone ends up exactly the same as everyone else4, is there any way you can actually be winning? Probably not in a purely objective terms. No one can have the most points, or the fastest times. No one is keeping track of the score, at least not anyone that is going to let us know who won.

Still, I’m a dude that needs a goal. I need to know why I am doing what I am doing, or I’m going to keep doing the same stupid crap for the rest of eternity. Seriously, I had to quit playing WoW1 because I was waaaaay to into grinding monsters for virtual trophies. There was no goal, and so there was no end point. I find that most of my life has been following that same basic design. No goal. No end point.

That’s why I spent six years in a job that I didn’t enjoy. Make money. Waste Money. Make more money. Waste more Money.

That’s some bullshit right there.

I’ve decided instead to give myself some easy to define and hard to reach goals.

Almost all of them involve pants.

Cannon1 – Pay The Bills – Not be Required to Wear Pants

2 – When you do leave the house, be dressed like a late 80’s comedian. This includes pants.

3 – Possessing full knowledge of how to fire myself from a cannon and land safely on the other side of the palisade.

4 – Smaller Pants but not shorter pants.

<p>I also have one Anti-Goal. Something I <em>never </em>want to see happen to myself:</p>  <p>I don’t ever want to find myself living in a way that doesn’t require me to <strong><em><u>own</u></em></strong> pants. </p>  <p>I can only see a handful of scenarios where I wouldn’t need to ever even own pants, and none of them are good. Some of them involve involuntary internment. Seriously, pants are a hassle, but they’re also a symbol for being a functional member of human society. There is a reason that wearing pants is seen as a symbol of equality. </p>  <p>Everyone that wears pants shows that they are accept a mild form of personal accountability.</p>  <p>So, I want to live a life that doesn’t require me to wear pants, but also doesn’t leave me so isolated and Howard Hughesy that I no longer see a reason to even own pants. At that point my <a href="http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Underpants+Radius" target="_blank">underpants radius</a> will be global, and I will consider myself an absolute failure. </p>  <p>I think success is a thin line between no longer being required to wear pants, and no longer having a reason to own them. </p>  <p>I will never stop looking for a reason to own pants, or I might stop looking for reasons to avoid putting them on.</p>  <p>What kind of life is that to lead, when not wearing pants is no longer the treat it should be?</p>  <p>&#160;</p>  <p>&#160;</p>  <p>&#160;</p>  <p><font size="1">FOOT NOTES:</font></p>  <p><font size="1">1 - Affiliate Link because I am a consumer whore! </font></p>  <p><font size="1">2- <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0143037889/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0143037889&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=screvoicofrea-20" target="_blank">Unless you can believe Ray Kurzwiel</a><sup>1</sup>,&#160; and I do.</font></p>  <p><font size="1">3- Shhh.. There really is a Santa Clause and Easter Bunny, but they have to stay waaaay off the grid to keep the government from controlling their sacred holiday magics. </font></p>  <p><font size="1">4- Even if you do believe Ray Kurzwiel. In this scenario we just all end up as immortal machine consciousnesses, roaming and consuming the universe. </font>

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.

2 thoughts on “To Define Success with Pants”

  1. Tracy Ann Mangold says:

    oF COURSE THERE IS A SANTA AND EASTER BUNNY! THE EASTER BUNNY USED TO CALL ME DURING HUNTING SEASON AND HE ALSO PICKED OUT OUR CHRISTMAS TREE AND LEFT A BIG RED BOW ON IT OUT IN THE WOODS FOR ME!

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I never would don’t the existence of either the Easter bunny or Santa. They are the reason that I am the man I am today…

      Well the two of them and powerful hallucinogens.

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