Why the Dark Knight Rises will Probably Suck

I think by saying that, I just committed Geek Blasphemy. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m usually right about everything, and I have an deep, powerful sense that Dark Knight Rises is going to be one giant pile of crap. I’ve been saying it for months, mostly based on my own instinct on the matter, and kept telling myself I didn’t want to believe it could be good, that way if it was even just okay, I’d come out of the theater thinking it was amazing. Let’s call that the GI Joe Effect.

Still, at the back of my mind, something kept nagging. It wasn’t just the fact that I can’t allow myself to become too invested in the success of a movie that will disappoint me again, but that there is a definite scientific and sociological reason to believe that DKR will be so horrible that we’ll all burn effigies of Christopher Nolan.

The Comic Book Movie Law of 3

In every comic book movie series, the third movie is the one that destroys everything and begs for a reboot. I believe that studios do this on purpose so that they can continually make money on a franchise reboot. Here’s the cycle as I have come to observe it:

1 – The First movie is good. It makes us all warm and happy because our favorite heroes get to be on screen and we like that because we’re all actually 4 years old at heart.

2 – The Second movie is absolutely, ridiculously amazing. Everything that was good with the first movie is built on and they shore up any weaknesses.

3 – The Third movie is horrible and they reboot the series or they keep making them anyway.

4 – Any Franchise that makes it to 5 movies is so broken it will take a decade to reboot it, and it may very well never happen.

For example:


Superman the Movie

Origin story is put in place, everything is cool. Fortress of Solitude, Lex Luthur bumbles his way into some kryptonite and Supes saves the day by seducing Luthor’s girlfriend. Great Movie, right? Also, Supes reverses time… So, yeah, everything is awesome here.

Superman 2

Superman gets all human, bangs Louis Lane, then comes back and kicks Zod’s black spandex wearing ass. Also, there is an attack involving a giant cellophane S.  Supes celebrates by making the outs with Louis so hard she forgets that he’s Clark Kent. Best Superman Movie ever, right?

Superman 3

The bad guy is freakin’ Richard Pryor. As amazing as Pryor is as a comedian, not exactly what you want in Superman Villains. Also, there is a fight scene in which Clark Kent kicks Superman’s ass. This is the highlight of the movie. It is probably the worst thing ever made…

At least until they made the other 2….


Supermans 3-5 were so bad they had to reboot the franchise TWICE! The pretty awesome Superman Returns (which in and of itself was actually a remake of Superman 3, following the continuity of 1 & 2 and ignoring everything after that) and now there doing it again in 2013.

Remember this was just the tip of the iceberg. If you think other movies are immune check this out:



I don’t feel I need to explain to you why this movie was awesome. If you didn’t like it, you probably have no soul or taste and thus cannot be enlightened by my actions here to save you.

Batman Returns

I blame this movie for the reason that roughly 83% of everyone I know has a B&D/S&M fetish, and it singlehandedly launched America’s obsession with leather suits that lasted well into the Matrix Trilogy.

Batman Forever

Greatest Soundtrack of any movie ever made… worst casting of any movie ever made. Everyone knows that this was the death of the franchise, and it STILL Struggled through 1 more horrible piece of garbage. This movie was so bad it MURDERED VAL KILMER’S CAREER. Seriously, Madmartigan slowly fell from grace after this career missile, only finding the strength to rebuild his career AFTER he became the voice of K.I.T.T. in the relaunch of Knight Rider. A role that can only do good things for your soul.


Spiderman 1

Peter Parker goes through all the things Peter Parker goes through and keep son heroing, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT SPIDERMAN DOES, SON! It’s about as close to the comic book as you can get while still rewriting Spidermans powers. Also, it manages to make Kirstend Dunst even hotter than she is in Elizabethtown.

Spiderman 2

Doc Oc is the greatest bad guy ever. This movie has everything we ever wanted in a comic book movie. It will forever be sung into the praises of comic book movie history.

Spiderman 3


You remember this, right?


You remember that Spiderman went so emo that he made Anakin Skywalker look like he was a tough guy that didn’t complain too much.



Now, this was so horrid that it caused a relaunch that will already be coming out this year.




Dear god, I hope they don’t give us an origin story again.

I don’t even want to get started on X-Men.


Poor, poor x-men.


Christopher Nolan is Different

This is a lie that I hear from just about everyone that I give my theory to. They swear that this is going to be amazing because Christopher Nolan doesn’t make bad movies.  This is a lie, of course.

Nolan has made very good movies, but mostly gets his street cred from 3:

Momento – Which was amazing. That’s a given.

Dark Knight Returns – Which was good because of Heath Ledger and wouldn’t have been without him.

Inception – Which everyone pretends was good because they’re afraid if they admit they didn’t like it then everyone will assume that they didn’t understand it. This is because the movie is retarded. If you didn’t understand it, it’s not your fault, the movie just sucked. You can admit this.

But you won’t.

I will admit that I too have high hopes for Nolan’s ability to make something that should suck not suck as bad, but I’m loosing faith due to the worst casting decisions ever made by anyone ever.

First of all, if you read the cast list for Dark Knight Rises you might notice something:

It basically reads like every hipsters wet dream.

If I read that cast list to you, you’d assume I was giving you the guest star line up for Zoey Deschanel’s  new show.

You can basically assume 2 things about anything with Joshua Gordan-Levitt in it.

1) It’s going to be both pretentious and preachy.

2) It’s going to be acclaimed by every hipster in the universe as the greatest thing they’ve ever seen.

Oh, you can also assume that the new bat-suit looks like this:

I’m just saying… be ready for hipster batman.

19 thoughts on “Why the Dark Knight Rises will Probably Suck

  1. Mark says:

    Except…it’s already been stated that this is the concluding chapter in this series of movies.  There isn’t an incentive to make it bad to reboot.  That will already happen, so on its face your premise lacks gravitas or even merit.

    And the first Batman movies, the Tim Burton ones, were so uniformily god-awful I won’t even use the DVD’s as coasters.  And everyone with any sense knows that the soundtrack to Supergirl is the best film score ever (and one of the most disgustingly bad movies made…)

    So, I win.  I f-ing win!  And if you ever say ‘hipster’ Batman again, I’ll break all your pencils!  Grr!  I can’t believe I actually read this….

    1. “And the first Batman movies, the Tim Burton ones, were so uniformily god-awful I won’t even use the DVD’s as coasters.”
      This saddens me… I must make it a life goal to enlighten you about how amazing those two movies were.

      “Except…it’s already been stated that this is the concluding chapter in this series of movies.”

      Actually, this was Nolan’s statement. The Studio tried to get Bale to sign on for 3 more movies. That gives Nolan even more incentive to tank the series, to prevent it from being bastardized by a different writer/director/producer.

      At least it is Warner Brothers and not 20th Century Fox… otherwise, I’d actually boycott the movie altogether instead of holding onto the tiniest sliver of hope against all evidence to the contrary that it will be decent enough to end the trilogy with.

      Also: Hipster Batman is a thing people are expecting: 

  2. Am I supposed to knit the scarf for Hipster Batman?

    1. No, that’s Alfred’s job. 

  3. Hahahahahaha!  I was NOT expecting Hipster Batman.  That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen all day.  I will agree with you…toss in Star Wars & you’ve got a mighty, mighty argument.  Empire Strikes Back?  BAD.  ASS.  Return of the Jedi?   Teddy bears.  Enough said. 

    1. I’m not saying it wasn’t, and I’m not saying that this article was just an excuse to draw hipster batman. 

  4. I still need to know if I have to knit that fucking emo Batman scarf.

    1. No Emo Scarf for Batman, he already got one from Hot Topic. You can do one for Spiderman, though. I’ve heard he has a hard time paying rent. 

      1. *mumblinng and bitchy* But I fucking hate Spidey.


  5. Tracy Mangold says:

    I’m of the mindset that it will rock. Spiderman movies – the third SUCKED so bad we nearly walked out. Should have.

    1. A) The Evil Dead Movies are not comic book movies and thus are not subject to the Comic Book Movie Law of 3.

      B) Army of Darkness was not Evil Dead 3, it was Army of Darkness 1. I’ve seen the “official” Evil Dead 3, and it was not worth every watching by anyone ever.

      C) Joshua Gordon Levitt… I’m just saying.

      I hope I’m wrong, but I’m probably not.

      1. Tracy Mangold says:

        There, fixed. Now I’m cranky. I realize they aren’t comic book movies. I know ALLLL about the Evil Dead movies and YES I know technically Army of Darkness was not Evil Dead 3. WELL AWARE.

        1. Tracy Mangold says:


  6. Dicksaplenty Smith says:

    Here’s what I see: all those movies you pointed out don’t end the series, their just sequels that do the same thing. But Nolan will END IT. I dont doubt him and he has like 50 ideas in his mind at once

  7. Will Hyland says:

    You hated Inception, bash TDK, and then say you like freakin’ Superman Returns?

    1. A lot of people hate on Superman Returns, but I think it was an under-appreciated movie.

      I don’t bash TDK, either. If it wasn’t great it wouldn’t be threatening us with the Comic Book Trilogy curse.

      Trust me, I hope I’m wrong.

  8. Whatever, you just don’t get Batman. He’s too underground.

    1. I new Batman’s parents, but they’re completely underground.

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