Blog, Deep Archives

10 Things you do that Justify Me Hitting You with a Crowbar

I’m not a petty man. I don’t just go about swingin’ corwbars (or rods of power) all willy nilly. I have reasons for the things I do. It’s all perfectly reasonable when you look at them from a calm, objective position. In fact, it’s so reasonable, that if it weren’t for the corrupt insanity that controls our government, these would all be laws punishable by public crowbarring.

Of course, you may ask yourself, “Why aren’t more heinous crimes on this list, surely the justify crowbarrings?”

Well, that’s because crowbarring is a fairly minor punishment, much to simple for child molesters, terrorists, or people who just disagree with me for no reason other than to be contrary. For people who commit those dark crimes, there is always the punishments of being fired from a cannon directly into a wall of spikes or being locked in a glass cage full of flesh eating bacteria.

Crowbar 

1) Refusing to understand that if you’re doing something the same way it was done 10 years ago, there’s a good chance your practices are obsolete. It’s okay to admit this. It’s even okay to be retro. It’s not okay to fight the future tooth and nail.

2) When traffic is too heavy for you to get through the intersection before the light turns red, you insist on pulling out and blocking the intersection. ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE A FUCKING COP!

3) Duck Face – Seriously, for the sake of humanity, stop doing duck face, otherwise, the human race will die out from lack of breeding.

4) Angry mumbling about how your life sucks because of (Ethnic Group/Subculture/Slightly Different Culture). Seriously, I’m seconds away from trachea destroying swings pretty much all the time thanks to some people.

5) Evangelizing, Religious or Scientific, keep it to yourself. All you’re doing is creating drama where there shouldn’t be drama.

6) Putting Glass Bottles in a campfire. Actually, most trash put in the camp fire pisses me off. Basically, I if there is any chance of it leaving any part of itself behind, don’t burn it. So to reiterate… paper can go in the fire. I HAVE TRASHBAGS!

7) Believing a single word spoken on the Fox News Network or MSNBC. Please, please, learn to decide things for yourself. These opinion slingers don’t want you to think because that’s the opposite of how they make money. You shouldn’t listen to anything they have to say without hunting down a legitimate news source and verifying. Oh, and then you can make your own opinions on these things. That’s kind of the point of journalism.

8) Passive Aggressive Facebook Posts – and passive aggressive Facebook posts about passive aggressive Facebook posts, and people who less passive aggressively will point out that I am writing a passive aggressive blog post about passive aggressive comments on passive aggressive Facebook Posts. THE CYCLE MUST END HERE, PEOPLE!

9) Uttering the phrase, “(Christopher Paolini/JK Rolwing/Stephanie Meyer) is the best writer ever!” – No, they’re the most popular writer at the moment, but clearly the sacred crown for “Best Writer Ever” goes to one Mr. John Steinbeck… Hahaha, just kidding. No one is better than me. The important thing to remember here is that popularity isn’t the same as being good, and that can apply to everything in life. So, basically when I hear this it triggers the same reaction as someone saying, “They used to be cool.” It’s all about your public image. CROWBARRED!

10) Calling yourself a “Geek” or “Nerd” without having the foggiest clue what those terms actually mean beyond “wearing glasses.” Also, wearing glasses you don’t need. That’s just being a douche. This is offensive behavior, and should really be treated as what it is, the mocking of a culture. Felicia Day wrote a song about it:

This is the face and voice of perfection…

That’s pretty much all I can think of at the moment for crowbarring, so I’ll cut it off at 10… this time…

 

I reserve the right to add crowbarring offenses to this list at anytime, in anyplace, and without warning.

 

Have a good day.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.

4 thoughts on “10 Things you do that Justify Me Hitting You with a Crowbar”

  1. Lady *S* of Glitter says:

    This is pretty spot on and could probably bring about universal peace.

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I am an enlightened being that was sent by God to make all your lives easier.

      At least that’s what I tell myself.

  2. Joshua L. Brotherton says:

    I would like propose the addition of talking on cell a phone while checking out or ordering at a restaurant to the list of crowbar-able offenses.  I don’t understand why people can’t show as much respect to the person in front of them as they do to the person on the other end of the line. 

    1. M.A. Brotherton says:

      I did reserve the right to adjust and add to the list as I saw fit. Actually, in the age of text messaging, you should limit your phone call time altogether. Noise pollution is bad for the environment, too.

Comments are closed.