I don’t think it comes as much of a shock to many of you that I have a secret desire to conquer save the world using the immense and awesome power of my freakishly broken and mutated brain. I see things a little bit differently than most of the world, and I think that is because my brain highways have like 3 or 4 Grandview Triangles1 in them. All together… like a Grandview Dodecagon. Anyway, it’s steeled my resolve that I clearly am the only person still kicking that is completely capable of perfecting human culture and leading us to a utopian era, out amongst the stars… or perhaps I’m just completely insane. Either way, I’m still right about a few things, and all the science and philosophy in the world won’t convince me otherwise.
However, after my most recent failed attempt to seize control of the world through use of psychic powers2, I’ve decided that perhaps instead of becoming the Emperor of the Entire World (EotEW) and then fixing it, I’d just show everyone how to fix it for themselves.
I’m going to start by telling you how to solve a ridiculously huge problem, at leas here in the United States:
If you’re not familiar with the American Legal System, then chances are you’re normal, and not a lawyer. You see, lawyers have spent that last couple of hundred years doing their best to make our legal system as complicated and insane as possible so that they’re the only people capable of understanding it. The reason they do this is because they can then charge you somewhere between $100-$500/hour to keep you from potentially becoming intimately acquainted with your large and scary looking cell mate. His name is Charles… his friends call him UpChuck. He’s innocent, but he couldn’t afford a lawyer, so now he takes out his aggression on the people around him. He’s working on that with his therapist, Big Carl.
Now, I’m not saying that there is anything inherently wrong with Lawyers. That entire cliché is actually something that really chives my martini, actually. Lawyers are really just Law Geeks, really. They’re people who dedicate themselves to the subtle and wonderful nuances of contracts, affidavits, precedent, and prima facia, or whatever, and that’s perfectly great. I’m not even really complaining that they get paid in one hour what I make in a week, either. I’m not geeky enough to turn my hobbies into giant piles of money like they are, or else I would. I can admit that I am just as susceptible to need for piles of cash as everyone else. I do not begrudge the wealthy.
The real problem is that we pay lawyers to know things for us and then we are left in their hands to the fates they decide on our behalf. Really, there is no good way for a layman to pick a lawyer. You can either go with my method of opening the phone book to “Lawyer” and tossing matches to see which one is most flame retardant (and therefore most closely tied to Satan and capable of putting mean juju on the court) or you can use a less practical method like their win-loss record, recommendations of your peers, price range, etc. That all takes exhausting research, though, so, it’s a bad system.
This actually wouldn’t be a bad system if it weren’t for the fact that all of these insanely complicated laws are basically meaningless thanks to trial by jury. Statistically speaking the most successful lawyer is the one that can convince 12 complete morons that they are the smartest, or barring that, the one most likely to sleep with them.
Seriously, that’s our legal system, and whereas the elimination of the obsolete, barbaric, and foolish practice of “Jury of your Piers” is obviously the primary point of contention in the failure of the American Legal System (as anyone lacking a mental handicap can see), it’s not the only slow down. We also have a lack of judges and a stupidly high amount of frivolous lawsuits.
I’ve talked a bit before about my belief that most civil lawsuits could and should be sent to criminal charges, but I’ve come up with an even better solution that I think is more genius, if you can believe that.
Code Duello – the laws for settling a dispute in the most ancient and civilized manner, with swords.
If your grievance isn’t good enough for you to see a man dead over, it’s not important enough for the courts. If you want your law geeks to talk to their law geeks and settle the dispute, then I see no reason for a trial. That’s simple contractual mediation. Just like any other business agreement, and probably 9 times out of 10 how most civil litigation with the big money is settled anyway. I just don’t see why we could waste literally thousands of dollars annually on petty courts. If it’s less that $500, why is there even a trial. It’s a waste of tax payers money. I have a suspicion it would be cheaper for the state to just pay $500 and move on. But this isn’t a perfect world.
A perfect world has duels in it, with swords.
I don’t just say this because I lack any real or practical skill but have a semi-decent sword swinging ability, thus creating for myself and several of my friends a new niche market of being a professional champion of the wronged, but also because it would be totally sweet.
The Rules are Simple:
1 – The Offended Party formally challenges the defendant to a duel, filed with the Local Duel Magistrate.
2- The Defendant receives formal notification of the Duel from the Magistrate.
3 – If he declines, then the Magistrate assigns recompense based on a handy chart that outlines exactly what the crime was and what it costs to make the offended party shut up. If he accepts, the magistrate puts them on the schedule.
4 – On the day it is scheduled, both parties show up at the Dueling Courts with their seconds, who’s job is to make sure that the duelers don’t wuss out at that last second. They can also bring a champion to fight in their place if they’d like, you know, a paid dueling advocate. There would also be a champion from the Magistrate’s office available to someone who can neither duel on his own or afford one. This would create a publicly paid job of being a badass and cut down on the duels offered against people who can’t fight, you know, like because they have no arms or something. The Magistrate’s office provides the defendant with his choice of 4 different sets of 2 identical swords. He chooses what weapons they fight with.
5 – The two of them then fight until one of them yields or the Magistrate decides a clear winner. Thus minimizing the number of people killed needlessly, you see.
6 – The matter is settled. From there it would be handled by the magistrate the same way a judge would after a ruling in a civil court case.
7 – The state minimizes cost by selling tickets and t-shirts!
See, the Code Duello system is basically perfect in any way. Reduced court cost, increased chance of people being killed over their frivolous stupidity.
Really, it’s what America needs, right?
1 – For those of you that don’t know, the Grandview Triangle is where Interstates 470 & 435 meet up with US 71 and 50 highway just south of Kansas City. It can only be described as a deadly, traffic generating nightmare created by a mind inspired by C’thulu himself. There is a very good possibility that it might actually be a summoning sigil for the elder God. Kansas City’s giant mantis problems could be related to it.
2- This most recent attempt was accomplished by staring at the President’s Twitter avatar and commanding it with my mind to declare himself King of the US. I still don’t know why it didn’t work, but I’m beginning to assume it is because he’s a democrat, and that means he actually thinks for himself sometimes.