Blog, Fat Guy Friday

Your Ankles Are Not Awesome

Your Ankles Are Not Awesome

Gentlemen,

I would like you to take a moment and look down at your feet.

These are the roots of your body. They carry you where you need to go. They give you strength and support. They are important.

They deserve your respect.

So, why are so many men abusing their feet? They insist of perpetuating a crime against the lowest edges of their feet.

They wear shoes without socks.

I first noticed this disturbing—nay, irresponsible—fashion trend a few years ago. Way back in 2013, Dappered advised men on avoiding foot funk when going sockless. As if there wasn’t already a solution—wearing socks.

I was aware some unhinged men were wearing suits without socks, but I assumed it would go away. The entire concept is both unhygienic and silly. It had to be a fad. I believed not wearing socks was the new planking.

But it didn’t go away. It got more and more popular.

The results were a predictable rise in foot-rot and blog posts about avoiding foot-rot on men’s fashion websites. I thought to myself, “Finally. These guys will wear socks again.”

And they did. They wore low cut socks called peds.

Peds are one symbol of everything wrong with our society. Basically, they represent the fact that during the 20th century we decided as a culture that socks were for men and women should show us the ankle.

I want to go on record as saying I disagree. Ladies, your ankle may be sexy, but you should also wear socks. Though I am writing this to be helpful to my fellow fat guys, all the sock benefits apply to you, too.

Peds solved the problem of blisters, athlete’s foot, and shoe-stank as well as any other sock, but they only enabled grown men to continue this silly habit of walking around with their foot nubs on display.

There are so many, many things wrong with this. I will not get into the fact that if you’re showing off your ankles your pants don’t fit you. I will not point out how silly you look. I’m not even going to continue to rage about how the human foot is a disgusting petri dish of disease and odor.

I’ll even avoid laying a guilt trip on you about avoiding the most needed article of clothing for the homeless.

What I will do is ask you to show yourself—and your ankles—more respect by making them awesome.

See these sexy socks? You can’t be this cool if you’re showing bare ankle.

Socks are the most under-appreciated accessory

Yes, socks are practical. But, they can also be awesome. I’m just now realizing how awesome they can be.

A little over a year ago, I discovered a company called Sockracy. I ordered 30 pairs of matching socks and considered myself blessed to never need to think about socks again.

Sockracy is a great company.

You can order them onetime-only and wear them until they need replacing. Mine are still in great shape, so that might take some serious time.

Or, you can sign up for a subscription service to receive 30 new pairs of socks each month.

Why would you want new socks each month? Because wearing new socks is always awesome, but also because Sockracy wants you to donate your socks after wearing them once. They even give you a free shipping label to handle it.

So, if always having fresh socks is your thing, you can go that route. Just be prepared to live with sock consistency.

I was happy to have sock constancy until not too long ago. See, besides my socks from Sockracy, I also have a few pairs I’ve picked up through my Loot Crate subscription.

I have three pair: a pair of BB-8 socks, a pair of Harry Potter Horcrux socks, and a pair that looks like the Bride’s yellow jumpsuit from Kill Bill. I’ve had them a long time but never wore them until one day I saw the BB-8 socks on the top of my dresser—still with the cardboard tag.

On a whim, I wore them to work.

There is something enjoyable about when a coworker stops you and asks, “Do your socks have droids on them?”

I have a fairly formal personal uniform. I like it. Just wearing the outfit makes me feel more professional and responsible. My socks let me add fun to the out fit without ruining it.

Remember, if your pants are the right length, your socks should be hidden most of the time.

You could argue in favor of fun ties, but I outgrew that phase when I was 17. Besides, I almost always wear a vest (or my cardigan). Little of my tie shows.

And the best fun ties are pretty expensive.

Socks cost less and there are more crazy sock patterns out there than an entire nation can shake a stick at. Heck, there are over 5 million results for “Sock Subscription Service” on Google. It’s a virtual all-you-can-eat buffet of footwear.

Socks are also an item I’ve never had a problem ordering online. Shoe sizes are pretty set in their ways. It’s hard to get them wrong.

I’m always looking for ways to rectify my inner geek with my professional adult persona. Adding some subtle but crazy socks is the best way to accomplish it.

You should try it.

Show your feet some respect and put to rest all the gossip about how big your odor-eater’s bill must be. Get yourself some fancy socks and learn to enjoy life again.

I have.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.