Alone in the Night – A Prayer

God,

It’s me, Matt. I know we haven’t been on the best of speaking terms for years, and that’s my fault, but I want you to know that I’m worried. I know that I’m not the only one in the world that has these fears. I know that I’m not the only one that has problems. I know that my problems are miniscule compared to those of others, but to me, they seem overwhelming. I’m a loser. I’ve always been a loser. I have these dreams that something great will happen to me and I’ll be on top of the world, but those are just childish fantasies. I need help. I need to accept that I need help. I need to admit that I’ve made horrible life decisions that have led me here.

I appreciate that there are some things in my life right now that are your work. Hands coming in to give me a boost when I need them the most, and I am thankful, but I am still afraid. I am afraid that the holes I’ve dug myself into are too deep to ever climb out of. I’m not sure I can even remember which direction the sky is, and I don’t think I have the strength to keep digging my way to China.

I’m afraid that I’m on the brink of losing everything. I don’t have a lot left, but I am terrified that I’m going to lose the little bit that I do. Everything is confusing and swirling, and I just can’t seem to make a single right decision. I just don’t think I can keep trudging through the storm and having faith that someone, somewhere will rescue me. I need a map, or a shining light, or something. I need a purpose and a direction. I need to know that the world has a meaning that I can be part of.

Most of the time, I’m living in a constant state of unending denial. I keep telling myself that I’m fine. The storm will end soon and I’ll be in a smooth light, just off the shore of a major port. I keep expecting everything to just stop trying to knock me down, but the blows keep coming, over and over, and I just don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to keep standing back up.

I know that I’m not alone. I know that right now the world is feeling the same way, but I feel alone. I feel like I’m the only one getting beaten down time and time again. I just keep failing. I fail because I can’t do anything. The gifts that I’ve been given have been squandered. The world I live in is so unbalanced and the ground keeps shifting. I’m not good at anything that the world needs. I keep fighting, but the fight is meaningless. I can’t seem to get a grip on anything.

God,

I know that there is something I am supposed to be doing. I know that there are good decisions and bad. I know that I make the bad choices, but they always seem so right at the time. Every step forward I take leaves me feeling like I’m taking fifty steps back and I just can’t seem to find a path that works.

God,

I need something bigger. I need something more than a wasted life. I just don’t know how to find it.

God, I’m asking for help.

I didn’t get the only job I’ve been able to even get an interview for. I don’t know what I did wrong or why they didn’t want me. I don’t know how long it will be before I can find a job. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. I’m not sure how to pay my bills. I’m not sure how to correct the mistakes of the past. I’m not sure how to keep going or what I’m supposed to be doing. I know that there are so many people out there in the same position I’m in, and that isn’t a comfort. That is just another blow. This world is filled with horror and garbage and even here, in a part of the world where we are supposed to be free and prosperous, life is quickly turning into garbage. There is nothing I can do about it, and that, that’s another wound. I can’t help anyone. I can’t help myself.

When I walked into this world, given huge advantages by my parents, two people that struggled so hard to make sure that their children have a chance to make something of themselves, I knew that I was going to do great, wondrous things. I knew that I was going to find all of the answers to life. I knew that I was going to be the one person that solved the problems. I was going to be a legend.

Now, I know that I am an idiot.

I get angry. I get angry that life isn’t the way it was meant to be. I get angry that all of the promise and the potential this world showed has been flipped on its head and turned into a nightmare. It pisses me off that this world sucks so many eggs. I drives me insane that we can’t even agree on what the problems are, let alone try working together to solve them. Children go hungry. People are assaulted in the streets for being alive. We kill each other over the tiniest scraps of resources that ultimately don’t mean anything.

I complain on the internet because I overtaxed myself. I complain to the universe because I made bad decisions. I hate myself because my relatively tiny problems are so huge to me that I can’t overcome them. I worry about money and there are people in this world, no this Country that are worried they’re going to be murdered or starve or be eaten alive by sewer rats.

I need help, because I’m too useless to take care of myself.

Amen

A Note:

I wrote this because I needed to get those emotions out of myself. I needed to face my depression head-on and admit to myself that I had all of this garbage bottled up inside myself. I needed to accept that it was okay for me to feel all of these things and that maybe for once, I didn’t have to lie to myself about the way I see the world.

I almost deleted it when I was done because it’s very private and very painful. I knew when I wrote it that I needed to write it and now, I know I need to share it, too.

I think the world is going through a pretty dark time right now. I think too many people are feeling the way I feel. I think we’ve all got these giant, insurmountable problems that we just can’t seem to find a way to overcome.

I think I just need to put it out there so that other people can know they’re not alone, and I think I need to put it out there so that I know that I am not alone.

The world is shitballs right now. We’re all just going to have to keep on trudging along. We might not ever find an end to the shit-river, but we might be able to find a rock somewhere to let our feet dry out for a while.

Thanks,
Matt Brotherton