Thank God the All-Star Game is Over

I’m probably in the minority of American men willing to admit that Baseball is the single most boring sport you can watch on television. Well, that’s not faire, there are people that consider golf a sport, and I guess by pure technicality it is, but you know, it’s not a real sport if people can play it professionally past the age of 70. So, Baseball is the most boring sport to watch on television that isn’t being played by men over the age of 70… or invented in Canada… or is fishing…

My point is that I am completely willing to admit that I enjoy playing baseball and going to a game and watching, with unwavering loyalty and unfounded hope, as my home-team loses… again. Those things are fun. You get hotdogs and booze, and because I live in Kansas City, I can do it by bringing the box office guy a can of Mountain Dew. (I don’t know if that’s true anymore… but you can still get tickets that turns Baseball into an all you can eat buffet, and that’s absolutely amazing!) What sucks is when baseball is on TV. There are no redeeming qualities to televised baseball. There are no dudes shouting, “HOT-DOOOOOOGS! GETCHER HOTDOOOOOGS HEEEEERE,” or guys wearing deadly-hot fur-suits. The experience of baseball all comes from being at the game.

It doesn’t translate well to television.

Normally, I just ignore it and go on my merry way. I mean, it doesn’t effect me if you want to waste your time pretending that the floor below your chair is sticky because some kids have spilled 900 gallons of soda on it (instead of the real reason.) That’s your bag. I’m happy that you’ve found it. I, myself, prefer to go out to the woods and pretend I’m a wisely ghost-monster… but to each his own, right?

Still, at no point do I force your entire life and city to be  up-ended by my playing ghost-monster, especially when it doesn’t even effect the ghost-monster season!

So, that’s basically what the All-Star Game is. It’s when a meaningless baseball game comes to town and even though no one has cared (not really and truly, though some still pretend to) about Royals Baseball for decades, the city has to start going crazy for Kauffman stadium again.

Then you can’t even get some damned tacos up in this joint.

So, last week was the All-Star Game, and it was hosted here. The city became filled with you out-of-town, wish-you-were-from-here locusts. The entire city became covered in some sort of sickening leather and dirt smell. Then… then… they did the unthinkable.

The All-Star Game was played on television… during my favorite shows of the moment: Hell’s Kitchen and Master Chef.

This basically means that MLB declared war on my personal life. I try to live-and-let-live your pathetic, excuse for a sport. I try to ignore you as you ignore me… but you’ve gone to far, MLB! You’ve ruined a perfectly good Tuesday night with your need to send out a completely meaningless game onto MY TELEVISION!


I am from Kansas City. I live here for many reasons, and one of those reasons is because Baseball isn’t important here. Do you think if we gave a crap about baseball we’d have supported the league butt-monkeys for the last 25 years? No, we only support the Royals because they’re from Kansas City, and we’re almost obsessively loyal to our local teams. We only care about baseball when we’re going out to a game to enjoy hotdogs and booze and back scratchers.

You stay away from Kansas City, Major League Baseball, and we’ll try not to embarrass you too much.

After all, we’re really busy trying to embarrass the crap out of the NFL. That’s not easy, because they have no shame… it’s a full time job, right?

If you want to pay us back for the horror that was the All-Star Game, you’ll talk to your friend NHL about getting a team here ASAP. Remind them that it doesn’t even have to be a good team. We’ll buy tickets…



We always buy tickets…

6 thoughts on “Thank God the All-Star Game is Over

  1. Patti Murphy says:

    I hear you on the baseball thing. My dad wanted to watch a minor league game when he visited once and I made him make an unscheduled stop, so I could buy a book to read during the game.

    But…then I started watching curling games during the Olympics. Granted, it’s only ever four years. *hangs head in shame*

    1. Ah, Curling… also known as competitive sweeping… how very Canadian of you. 🙂

      Still, better than baseball because it has a giant rock involved… and ice. Ice makes things exciting.

  2. Nolan is one of those weirdos who digs baseball but will concede it IS always better live. I would go for booze, staring at weirdos, and catching up on magazines because despite being a cheerleader for many sports (No, not baseball) I usually have no goddam clue of whats going on. Unless it is hockey or soccer. Even we have a hockey team. Fuck we have two. How does KC not- I mean we’re not NHL, but we’ve got teams!

    1. We have a minor league hockey team. That doesn’t count. We were promised a NHL team and it wasn’t delivered. I think that means I need to shank someone.

      Actually, the owner of the LA Kings built the Sprint Center so he could move them to KC, and instead the NHL puck-blocked him and added an expansion team to stupid Canada… You know what Canada absolutely DOESN’T need? Another Hockey team.

  3. Stereo.* says:

    I was introduced to baseball a couple of years back during a trip to the states and I just don’t get it. I don’t. It’s beyond boring. And so yes, I feel your relief and completely understand it.

    Now, lend me your sympathy because as of next week, London will be a hell zone thanks to the Olympics.

    1. You have my extreme sympathies. I fear the day when the extreme significance of Kansas City becomes recognized enough to house some sort of International Sporting event. I might have to smash something if that ever happens.

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