One day, if the world is very, very lucky, I will be declared the Emperor of Humanity. That day will be a magical, wonderful day. Everyone will rejoice. Why? Because I have all the answers to your problems.
So many things to fix with the world, where would I begin?
- Space prisons
Like it or not, criminal justice is a part of governing. There are bad people out there, and we have to do something about them. However, there also issues with our current criminal justice system. Prisons are overcrowded, expensive, and generally ineffective at preventing crime.
Not a problem.
Normal prisons are obsolete. Nobody benefits from the current prison system–not prisoners, not the guards, and not the average American trying to avoid being involved with the criminal justice system in any way, shape, or form. Who wants giant concrete buildings just sitting around full of meth addicts and people with the ability to turn a toothbrush into a knife?
No one. That’s who.
On the other hand, who doesn’t think it would be awesome to take every criminal on the planet and send them into space?
Seriously. We have all seen the movies. We know what happens when you try to colonize Mars. We also know that when you create a colony of prisoners, you get Australia.
That is why I will use Earth’s prisoners to colonize Mars.
Humanity benefits by having a second planet to destroy, prisoners don’t get locked in an 8 x 10 cell made of depression, and NASA benefits by actually having someone complete one of their plans.
Also, martian kangaroos.
- Mandatory 90s-at-Noon on every radio station on the planet–also outlawing hammer-pants.
It is generally accepted as scientific fact that 90s music represents the greatest human cultural achievement.
You can’t argue with me on this one. Seriously. Don’t even try, I’m the Emperor of all Humanity, remember?
Unfortunately, 90s fashion was not particularly awesome. If there is one blight on the pure nirvana (pun intended) of 90s culture, it is hammer pants.
MC Hammer was quite possibly a musical and lyrical super genius, but his fashion sense was –how shall we say it? Woeful.
No one should wear pants like that unless they are capable of granting me three wishes.
And yet, despite some truly questionable fashion trends, it remains an irrefutable fact that the 90s gave us the greatest musical performances in every genre of contemporary music.
(I guess Baroque Symphony radio stations can be excluded from the rule)
Unfortunately, like certain obsolete political ideas, the 1980s gave us aggressively needy, hairspray-soaked music that refuses to die–no matter how many times you stab it in the face with an ice pick.
This is why I will increase the cultural well-being of my subjects (aka humanity) by ensuring they are given a minimum of one hour access to the 1990s musical collective each day.
See? I can both give and take. Compromise is the key to a healthy relationship–even if that relationship is between Emperor and enslaved population.
- Two words: robot army
I really feel like this one is self-explanatory.
If you can’t figure out how a robot army benefits all of humanity, especially me, the Emperor, then I don’t need to talk to you anymore.
Nothing has ever gone wrong from someone building an army of robots. It is the greatest concept humanity has ever come up with. It would never be a bad idea. No one can even think of a way for it to be a bad idea.
As long as we make them easily breakable and not too terribly bright.
I hope by now you’re beginning to understand why I would make an excellent leader for humanity. Clearly I have the vision, ambition, and compassion necessary to solve all the world’s big picture problems.
I’m not going to get bogged down in the day-to-day minutia of administering an entire government through my one massive brain. Obviously with an army of robots (and secret satellite lasers) at my disposal, I won’t need to flex my awesome too often.
Also, I will be banishing dissidents to Mars… so, you have to agree with me or become Space-Austrailian.
Do you want that, mate?
I didn’t think so.
This post was sponsored by Entities for the Unanimous Election of a New World Emperor, It Might As Well Be Him… Why Not?