I’ve noticed myself thinking about money this weekend. No, I’m not destitute. I’m not even struggling to pay my bills. I’m just aware of my bank account and the don’t have as much in it as I would like.

But, why? Why am I even worried about an arbitrary number of dollars in the face of having my bills paid, plenty to eat, and a comfortable living?

I’ve been in some tight situations in my life. I can recognize the difference between desperation and where I am now.

I don’t think of myself as being materialistic.

I’m not a minimalist, but, I know them money isn’t what brings me joy and fulfillment. What is my subconscious trying to tell me when it keeps bringing my attention back to my bank account?

Maybe I need to look at what “money” means on a psychological level

First, it means stability.

I think this is why haven’t worried about it for a while. My life has been stable — comfortable, even. I’m not afraid of losing my job or my home. I know where my next meal is coming from. I’m not even in danger of bill collectors hounding me.

I’m in the best financial shape of my life and I doubt I will crash soon.

Unless my gut is psychic, I shouldn’t worry about some unpredictable, catastrophic event.

Money is also a symbol of freedom.

Maybe my mind is focusing on this aspect. My car situation will put a damper of my ability to travel this year. I need to get a new car. My vacation fund will make that happen.

This doesn’t feel like the right issue though.

It will sock to not make my annual pilgrimage back to Missouri this year, but, be better off for it. Using the extra funds will keep other costs down. It doesn’t sit well.

My gut doesn’t seem to react to the idea. I’m not getting any twinges telling me this is what’s wrong.

Money is the ability to change.

That leaves only one other possibility. My instincts are telling me I need to change something in my life it will take money to do it.

I can understand why.

I’ve been making small, incremental changes in my life all year. It goes back to my first Home Chef order in October. That was the day I made my first step forward into my new adulthood.

My internal compass has been spinning ever since.

I might be sliding into the next phase of my life without even realizing it. I have a few things brewing in the back of my mind. These are just random pieces of ideas for now, but maybe one of them is taking form.

At the beginning of this month, I started following James Altucher’s daily practice. Specifically, I wrote at least 10 ideas every day, made sure a go to bed early enough to get eight hours of sleep, and spent time every morning trying to be grateful for things in my life.

I’m noticing changes in my emotions and behavior. A month ago I wouldn’t even known I was worrying about money. Or I would have just let myself worry about the money without trying to figure out why.

I think my brain is making connections. I don’t know what these connections are yet, but, I can still feel them forming. It’s possible there forming around money. I need to let them coalesce and not try to force anything.

I know worrying isn’t going to help.