Top 9 Rules of Fat Guy Fashion

Last month, I made a plea to my fellow fat guys to wear their pants in the right place. The one little change makes an incredible impact on how the world sees us. But, my fat friends, it is only the beginning.

There are more tricks we can do to make the world see us as more than mere clowns.

9. If you button your shirt, tuck it in

Big guys have a unique set of problems for the place our shirt meets our pants. If you’re already following my advice about your waist, you’ve eliminated most of them. If not, you’re probably using the other fat guy trick: leaving your shirt untucked.

This is okay if you are okay with looking like a schlub. I am on a Sunday or if I go play trivia.

The schlub look makes my opponents underestimate my superpower of useless information retention.

I much always tuck my shirt in, but I might wear an unbuttoned shirt loose over a tucked in t-shirt when I’m looking casual.

But if I button the shirt, it gets tucked in.

There are fashion advice websites out there telling you it is okay to leave your button-down untucked. Do not listen to them. They are dirty liars.

Besides, you have to tuck your shirt in if you’re wearing suspenders. You are wearing suspenders, right?

8. Suspenders > Belts

Suspenders are superior to belts in every possible way. Not only do they work and look better, they have a magical power to make people think you’re a genius.

Belts are useless. They weren’t invented to hold pants up.

They were invented to smash our loose-fitting dresses into a more shapely figure.

People who prefer belts rarely need to keep their pants up. They have hips. Their advice comes from a place of incompetence, not malignance.

Pity them.

7. Layers, Layers, Layers

I’m dressed in my evening outfit. I’m wearing a t-shirt tucked into a pair of jeans and a cardigan. These days, it is the minimum number of layers I wear.

In the summer, I’ll switch the cardigan for an unbuttoned shirt.

Layers give you options. Never underestimate the power of layers.

6. Shorts are for the gym… or never

I don’t wear shorts often. This is a conscious decision.

Fat guy fashion blogs rave about shorts. I have theory for why. If you’re a big guy like me, you have nice gams. Carrying as much weight as we do does nice things to the calves. It is natural to show them off.

Resist the temptation.

There are times when you can wear shorts and all of them involve sweat. For example, you can wear shorts if:

  • Going to the gym
  • Hiking up a mountain.
  • Living in a tropical climate
  • Making the mistake of agreeing to go to an amusement park

If you’re not sweating, you should wear pants. It’s the adult thing to do.

5. Wear the right size—and try things on

A few hundred years ago, clothes were loose and baggy then cinched with a belt.

Stupid modern times—he wrote ironically on the internet.

We don’t live in those times anymore. Loose and baggy is comfortable, but it is no longer regal.

Regal is what we’re going for. There is a reason they named it King Size.

You can Google how to check a fit. Do it. Try clothes on before you buy them—you’d be surprised how often you can buy off the rack if you keep your eyes open.

I’m sure tailored clothes are the best way to handle it, but I’m realistic about what I can afford for now.

4. Personal Uniform of Awesomeness

Remember how I told you what I was wearing and how it would change with the weather? That’s because I pretty much always dress the same.

I’ve done it most of my life. At first, I thought it was a cool idea to dress like a cartoon character but as I got older habit kicked in.

Now, it’s a matter of utility. If I know what I will wear, I know what kind of clothes I’m shopping for. For work, I need a vest, tie, and shirt.

I always wear the same slacks. Most days, I wear the same vest and tie, too.

It means I only have to pick out a shirt to make the outfit different.

There’s a bunch of other reasons, too. Iron and Tweed has a great article on the why and how. You should check it out.

3. WWCW—What Would Cedric Wear?

Cedric the Entertainer is the most stylish fat-guy of all time.

If you’re trying to decide between two outfits, remember, “What would Cedric wear?”

It serves me well.

2. Bright and Dark

This is an easy rule. Dark clothes with light accents.

Most days, I wear black shoes, black pants, black vest, black tie… and a brightly colored shirt.

Black is great for big guys. it highlights our majesty.

But, you have to have color. Too much black just gets drab and dreary.

Don’t be afraid of bright colors. Remember, we’re trying to look regal.

You know what’s regal? Purple.

Trust me, I look damn good in purple.

1. NEVER wear a short sleeved shirt with a tie

This isn’t a fat guy fashion rule. It’s just a rule.

You know who wears short sleeves and a tie?

The “nerd” character on TV we’re supposed to laugh at.

Don’t be that guy.

These are my rules, what’re yours?

Author’s Note

So, I messed up. I missed a day. I thought I had a Top 9 for yesterday scheduled and ready to go, but I didn’t.

There’s no excuse.

I combined this week’s Top 9 and this week’s Fat Guy Friday to make it up to you.

Please forgive me.