Another Thing I Fear

I came dangerously close to not having a blog post for today. Not because I didn’t write one. I had one ready to go, but I didn’t want to post it. So, I wrote another one. And another. And then three more.

Yesterday was President’s day. I was off work and had plenty of time to second-guess myself.

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about how understanding fear will let us save the world.  I said I was learning to identify my fears so they would control me. Today, I faced a fear I haven’t been able to shake for the last 7 years and 1113 blog posts.

I’m afraid I will make things worse.

When I started my five-day topics at the start of the year, I promised myself I would write an opinion piece every Tuesday. I’m a very opinionated person and I’m not afraid to just say whatever comes to my mind. I would post my posts and to hell with what the world thinks of me.

But, I’m having a hard time posting some things. Not because I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me.

I still am, but I promised I wouldn’t let that hold me back anymore.

No, I’m afraid of something less obvious and more important. I’m afraid I’m just going to add to the hate and anger in the world. I’m adding to the buzz instead of cutting through it.

Other fears I can face. I can stare them down while they gnaw on my insides and prove I’m made of cheap, stringy meat, not the expensive stuff.

This fear is different.

I don’t know how I will face it. I don’t know how to beat it. I’m not sure I can.

And that’s deeper than fear. That’s terrifying.