I wish they’d told me in high school that bullshit and making someone wet themselves during an argument were both valuable career skills.

 

I competed in debate, and I was bad at it. Apparently, it is inappropriate to point out an opponent’s incompetence, and for some reason, debate judges mark you down when you make a fourteen-year-old girl cry. I think it’s a bias. It’s not my fault she asked me what I meant when I said “prima facia.”

You’re the First Affirmative, you only have one job! ONE JOB!

…

…

…

So, Cross Examination, or “Policy,” debate was ruled out for me early in my competitive career. So, like any good jerk, I tried getting into Lincoln Douglass Debate.

 

Now, LD is supposed to be all about the high-fallutin’ philosophy and morals. It’s value debate. I know, that has very little to do with the aactual Lincoln-Douglass debates, but this is high school forensics. They don’t need your judgements.

I competed in LD at exactly one tournament.  I didn’t do well there, either. Even though you’re allowed to make your opponent look like an idiot, I was still registered as being “too mean.”

 

That’s what we get for letting parents judge debate tournaments.

 

Anyway, I decided that maybe using my ability to argue well and bullshit wasn’t going to get me anywhere in life and turned to other pursuits that seemed more financially stable in the late 90s, like Dot-Coms and long term real estate futures.

I’m kidding… I learned how to sword fight.

 

Recently, I came to a conclusion. I was a freakin’ moron for not sticking with the “cold-hearted arguing” thing. If I’d been wise, I would have honed those skills to a razor’s edge and gotten myself a mostly useless PoliSci degree. Why?

Lobbyists make 6 figures… per month.

 

That’s right. Lobbying, man. I could have been a freakin’ lobbyist.

The job only requires three skills:

1) Bullshit — They need to be very, very good at bullshit.

2) Arguing even when you’re wrong — They almost always are… they almost always win.

3) The ability to take two completely unrelated things and link them together… with terrorism.

 

Man! I can do all of those things! Plus, I like wearing a tie.

 

Someone pay me $800,000/month to lie on TV for them. I’m totally down to sell my soul.

 

I promise, I have no shame!

 

Until then, I only want to suggest we stop teaching our kids to do things “professionally” or “with basic courtesy.”

 

Manners have no place in the gladiatorial world of politics and business, and our kids deserve a chance for a successful future.

 

See you next time,

Matt