There are times when I wish I could push a “Stab in Face” button on Facebook and it would be so. I’m not sure why that one particular social media network irks me so badly, but it does, and often. As I was sitting on my computer last night, wishing that I could remember that sleeping is a valid option, I saw something that really bothered me. This is not the first time Facebook has bugged me. It won’t be the last time Facebook bugged me. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. The crappy gift… full of socks… that don’t fit.

I recently watched “The Social Network.” This is that Aaron Sorkin film about how Mark Zuckerberg is a douchebag.

Based entirely on the movie and with no research besides, the makes complete sense for Facebook to be filled with ass-hats. See, the basic idea was that Zuckerberg is a douchebag that wanted access to more pictures of girls he could torment so he created a unified website for everyone to post their pictures. Oh, and then he dicked everyone out of money because they weren’t as smart as him.

Also, more proof that Justin Timberlake is actually a talented actor.

So, from my, admittedly vague, understanding of Facebook’s origin story, I have to conclude that the entire site was built for the purpose of attracting everyone on the planet to one place so that we could all stab each other, metaphorically, in the eyeballs.

That is why I am proposing a new Social Media website: SHANKbook.

SHANKbook will rely heavily on technology that I can only hope someone in Japan is building right now. You see, instead of a “thumbs-up to like” button, SHANKbook will have a “clicky knife of face-stabbing” button. Whenever you post something that pisses off enough people, a robot arm will extend out of your computer screen and STAB YOU IN THE EYES… this time literally.

I think it is the only way to save humanity from itself at this point.

It’s hard to be a dick when being a dick will get you shanked.

I can’t imagine that anyone wants to be a shanked dick.

Once again, I’ve solved a large world problem. You can repay me by donating to my pizza roll fund.

Thank you.


PS: If you come back later, you might see a more serious post. But I’m not promising anything. I’ve been out of pizza rolls for about a month now, and that always leads to anarchy.