My Brain is Melting because I’m Almost 30

Recently, I’ve begun to understand something extremely important involving the “Generation Wars.” The closer I get to turning 30, the more I realize the secrets of what is going on around here. When you look at washed up Gen Xers and the Angry BabyBoomers, they start throwing things and calling you all kinds of horrible names, for example Millenials or Generation Y. Blughck. They aren’t doing this because they’re ignorant, self-important douchebags. I mean, I’m an American, it’s my Constitutional Right to be an ignorant, self-important douche bag. No, they’re not calling us the laziest generation of entitled slackers that ever existed because they’re old, jealous fuddy-duddies. The truth is farm more terrible. It is a secret they’ve kept from us our entire lives, and it is our own inescapable future.

The older you get…. the more your brain turns into the heavy, sluggish substance Scientists refer to as, “Stinky Brain Goo Poops.”

Yes, I’ve been seeing the early warning signs in myself lately. I can actually watch myself getting dumber as parts of my once genius psyche are replaced with things like Oil Change Schedules. I can actually feel my brain gooing as I write this. I just wanted to get the word out before it is too late. If I concentrate for too long, say, 4-8 hours, my brain overheats. This requires me to cool it off by watching meaningless shows called “6:00 News” or “60 Minutes” (which is actually only 48). By the time my brain goes through that, another part of it has been turned to SBGP. Just last night I found myself watching some sort of program where British people told me what was going on in Brazil and Palestine, and the next thing I knew, I had forgotten how to draw Ninja Turtles.

I’ll never be able to draw Ninja Turtles again….

The worst part about the slow conversion from Neurological Juggernaut to Empty Can of Brain Poop Soup is that the SBGPs have a secret way of inverting how I see the world.

I suddenly find myself in conversations with people younger than me and think to myself, “God, You’re truly stupid.” I mean, not just the stupid ones, either! I can talk to a pretty bright six year old and just think, “One day you’ll forget about Tinkerbell and dedicate yourself to something truly fascinating, like Olympic Curling!” In the last few months, I’ve made dozens of trips to Wal-Mart without a single deviation to the TOY DEPARTMENT!!!! I don’t even think about doing it! When I was in the Toy Department last, I wondered the aisles thinking to myself, “Where are the fun toys? You know the power welders and stuff.” I found them…. in the Hardware Department… I actually spent some time considering the value of purchasing a pneumatic car jack. It’d really come in handy when I’m changing the tires.

I tried to fight it. I really did. I try inoculating myself by watching Cartoon Network for 38 hours while laying on my couch in my underwear and eating only Magic Stars cereal (who can afford Lucky Charms, it’s the same thing, Right?). I forced myself to finish the experiment despite the fact that it became clear in the first hour that cartoons are stupid. Yes, Cartoons are Stupid. I was clearly already too far gone to be saved.

So now, I’m sitting at my desk, figuring up an expense report and a budget.

I’m thinking about what I could cook for dinner.




My first thought was not Pizza Rolls.





Truly, I am lost…