I rattle the bottle. The clickity clack sound lets me know exactly how far I have to go. I shake it again, and watch the clock. Every two hours. As long as it’s every two hours everything is fine. No sooner. Everything is fine.
I lean back and inhale the smoke. Cigarettes help. They reach down inside and grab the heart, squeezing it harder and harder. I can feel the blood in my forehead as it hammers through. Everything is fine.
Beep. Beep. Beep. The alarm breaks the quiet. I shake the bottle. I let it slide down my throat. Two hours isn’t so bad. I reset the alarm. Everything is fine.
I forgot to eat lunch again. It’s almost six. My hands shake at the keyboard. I have hours left to go. Maybe I should get dinner. I tip the bottle back instead. I’m not hungry. Everything is fine.
It’s already too late when I get home to do anything. I should just go straight to bed. Everything is fine.
I can’t sleep. I’m too wired, too bouncy. I just need a little help. A different bottle this time. I slosh it back. Everything is fine.
Midnight turns into four am and I am up, showered, dressed and ready to head out the door. I double up. I just need the extra pick me up to get going. Everything is fine.
Breakfast comes from a gas station. So does the bottle. They couldn’t sell it at a gas station if it was really bad for you. I buy a four pack. It’s going to be another long day in a long week. Everything is fine.
I step on the scale. I’m down another 5 pounds. I’m still 100 pounds overweight. I should do more. I rattle the bottle. It’s been two hours, right? Everything is fine.
I can barely recognize the mirror. I think I’m losing my hair. I should get a special shampoo. I have cheek bones. That means it’s working. Everything if Fine.
I ate breakfast, I can skip lunch. Did I eat dinner? I can’t remember. I’m not hungry. Everything is fine.
Grocery store blood pressure machines aren’t accurate. It’s got to be broken. Everything is fine.
The new boss thinks I’m overworking myself. I show her I can keep going and do more. The bottle is empty again. Where is the new one? Everything is fine.
No.
Seriously.
Everything is fine.